13 Going On 30

The Poster

This is a very cute poster with some CLUNKY AS HELL taglines. "For some, 13 feels like it was just yesterday. For Jenna, it was" has too many words in it. I don't know how to FIX this, but... even the font looks like it was a temp choice that accidentally went through. Als: Can we discuss how that is not Jennifer Garner's actual shape? This is some egregious photoshopping of a person who had a BANGIN' BOD and did not need to be turned into an f'ing doll.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Tracy Bennett/Columbia Tri Star/Kobal/Shutterstock (5884999h) Andy Serkis, Jennifer Garner 13 Going On 30 - 2004 Director: Gary Winick Columbia Tri Star USA Scene Still Comedy 30 Ans sinon rien

See? She is perfect as she is. She doesn't need a Barbie waist. Also this dress is crazy but she looked so cute in it.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Tracy Bennett/Columbia Tri Star/Kobal/Shutterstock (5884999g) Jennifer Garner, Judy Greer 13 Going On 30 - 2004 Director: Gary Winick Columbia Tri Star USA Scene Still Comedy 30 Ans sinon rien

But I have real questions, too, and not just about why Judy Greer's character is dressed as gangrene (well, I could guess). I know that Jenna Rink was a child of the '80s, but that doesn't qualify her to be able to arrange her brand new adult hair into THAT configuration. How the hell did she figure that out?

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Columbia Tri Star/Kobal/Shutterstock (5884999ac) Jennifer Garner 13 Going On 30 - 2004 Director: Gary Winick Columbia Tri Star USA Scene Still Comedy 30 Ans sinon rien

And when did she teach herself to use FOUR chopsticks to hold up her mini-buns?

Mark Ruffalo

Let's take a second to reflect on what a snack Mark Ruffalo is in this movie. He's SO Everyday Dude charming.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Moviestore/Shutterstock (1546062a) 13 Going On 30 Film and Television

That Pucci or Pucci-style sleep mask is legimitately great, however.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Shutterstock (421080i) JENNIFER GARNER '13 GOING ON 30' FILMING, NEW YORK, AMERICA - 06 JUL 2003

And I've always loved this coat. It's the one she's wearing in the OTHER poster, the cringey one where she's swinging from a lamppost. You know which one I mean.

LO! It's this one. So much better with just the simple slogan, but swinging with glee from a lamppost is weird. Especially in THAT outfit.

They made it the DVD cover, took out the lamppost so that now it just looks like she's aimlessly frolicking, and unaccountably turned Mark Ruffalo into Danny Zuko.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Moviestore/Shutterstock (1541116a) 13 Going On 30 Film and Television

This is exactly the face I would make if I woke up and discovered I owned that closet.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Buchan/Shutterstock (418109f) JENNIFER GARNER JENNIFER GARNER ON SET OF FILM '13 GOING ON 30' IN LOS ANGELES, AMERICA - 28 MAY 2003

I understand the movie's mandate to have young Jenna slowly move herself to the fore -- her version of Old Jenna is a better person, and her wardrobe gets more cutesy and young as the movie progresses -- but I don't believe for a second that Old Jenna ever owned half this stuff. And if Young Jenna took her credit cards out for a spree, why didn't we see it, and WHERE did she ever find anyone willing to sell this to her? It's a STERNUM peplum.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Shutterstock (421175c) JENNIFER GARNER STARS ON SET FILMING '13 GOING ON 30', NEW YORK, AMERICA - 07 JUL 2003

Those kitten heels are everyone's Steve Madden experience from 2003.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Shutterstock (422194c) JENNIFER GARNER JENNIFER GARNER FILMING '13 GOING 30' IN CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK, AMERICA - 16 JUL 2003

NONE OF THIS FITS JENNA.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Shutterstock (422194l) JENNIFER GARNER JENNIFER GARNER FILMING '13 GOING 30' IN CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK, AMERICA - 16 JUL 2003

I do love that they kept adorabl wellies on set for J.Gar to change into when she needed to rest her feet.

Editorial use only. No book cover usage. Mandatory Credit: Photo by Moviestore/Shutterstock (1562069a) 13 Going On 30 Film and Television

I guess she wore this skirt twice. Jenna, my dear, you got a LEEEETLE saccharine for me. Old Jenna did do SOME things right.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Bei/Shutterstock (449947ea) Jennifer Garner '13 GOING ON 30' FILM PREMIERE, LOS ANGELES, AMERICA - 14 APR 2004 April 14, 2004 - Westwood, CA. Jennifer Garner (cast). Revolution Studios and Columbia Pictures presents Premiere of 13 GOING ON 30 at Mann Village Theatre. Photo by: Eric Charbonneau®Berliner Studio/BEImages

At the premiere, J.Gar herself leaned into the innocent girly sweetness thing.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Chris Pizzello/AP/Shutterstock (6411493b) GARNER Actress Jennifer Garner, star of the film "13 Going on 30," arrives at the premiere of the film in the Westwood section of Los Angeles 13 GOING ON 30 PREMIERE, LOS ANGELES, USA

Verrrrry sweet.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Bei/Shutterstock (449947eh) Christa Allen, Jennifer Garner & Victor Garber '13 GOING ON 30' FILM PREMIERE, LOS ANGELES, AMERICA - 14 APR 2004 April 14, 2004 - Westwood, CA. Christa Allen (cast), Jennifer Garner (cast) and Victor Garber . Revolution Studios and Columbia Pictures presents Premiere of 13 GOING ON 30 at Mann Village Theatre. Photo by: Eric Charbonneau®Berliner Studio/BEImages

Speaking of sweet, Christa B. Allen is cute i the movie, and I have always loved Jen's enduring friendship with Victor Garber. He is so proud of her. It hits me in the feelings.

Judy Greer

I wish with everything in me that this was a color or a pattern or just Not Taupe. Also maybe not a wrap dress? Maybe just not this dress.

David Sutcliffe

I'm not sure why David Sutcliffe was there. Maybe he thought this was a play, and vowed to be present in case Mark Ruffalo fell ill and couldn't perform his duties.

Michael Vartan

Michael may or may not have known it, but he was near the end of the road with J.Gar, as they broke up shortly thereafter when she started dating Ben Affleck. I'm sorry, Vaughn. I still love you.

Sunrise Coigney and Mark Ruffalo

These two are still married. A happy ending!