2004 American Music Awards Red Carpet

Gwen Stefani

I actually think Gwen looks beautiful from the waist up -- top hat and all -- but her Harajuku Girls period of treating other humans like accessories was regrettable to say the least. I'd like to read an article from one of these women about what this was like.

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

This is the quintessential Nick and Jessica look to me. (It was also the height of Newlyweds.)

Kelly Osbourne

God bless Kelly, she absolutely does not want to be at this event.

Carmen Electra

Facially? Gorgeous. Sartorially? I've seen this on several contemporaneous episodes of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Mandy Moore

Congrats, Mandy Moore! You are very spray tanned -- I've been there!! -- but otherwise this has aged extremely well.

Sheryl Crow

Sheryl is ALSO very tanned and blonde here. But this dress feels like a turn-of-the-century Narciso Rodriguez and I enjoy seeing it again. Fun fact: This is at the mid-point of her relationship with Lance Armstrong.

Jenny McCarthy

This was the time period where Jenny McCarthy was really playing on her resemblance to Gwen Stefani. She looks great from the waist up. From the waist down....choices were made.

Alicia Keys

Alicia looks mildly like a pirate. We REALLY loved a cropped pant in 2004, like REALLY.

Amy Davidson

I just started chortling. This look is 2004 in a nutshell, like a Halloween costume of 2004. WE KNEW NOT WHAT WE DID.

Kathy Griffin

Speaking of we know not what we do....Kathy. Kathy, come on.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly, on the other hand, looks...fantastic? This is a surprise -- no shade to La Clarkson, whom I sincerely love and who I think is one of America's greatest treasures, but whose sartorial history is checkered!

Jon Bon Jovi

In which Jon Bon has draped himself in velvet and really gotten some good use out of the flat iron.

Melissa Rivers and Ira Dean of Trick Pony

Melissa. Surely your mom had notes.

Usher

Usher can probably sleep at night regarding this one.

Ciara

YES, Ciara has ONE LEG tucked into her boot and one leg OUT of her boot. This is so funny, god bless this baby-faced child. (She's like barely 19 here.)

Ashanti

Ashanti, this skirt is confusing!

Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear

LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 14: Musician Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi and wife actress Heather Locklear arrive to the 32nd Annual "American Music Awards" at the Shrine Auditorium November 14, 2004 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

Speaking of boots!! (I still kinda like them.)

J.C. Chasez and Eva Longoria

LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 14: Singer J.C. Chasez and actress Eva Longoria pose on the red carpet at the 32nd Annual "American Music Awards" at the Shrine Auditorium November 14, 2004 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

Yes, they dated. Eva's dress has aged pretty well, all things considered.

Josh Groban and "guest"

LOS ANGELES - NOVEMBER 14: Musician Josh Groban poses with guest on the red carpet at the 32nd Annual "American Music Awards" at the Shrine Auditorium November 14, 2004 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

This photo is captioned, "musician Josh Groban poses with guest," and yes, your eyes do not deceive you. And Guest is absolutely January Jones.

Diana Ross

PERFECT AS USUAL.