Ashley Wagner Short Program
I enjoy that Ashley's body language here is all, "come at me, bro," which I guess is apt, as her music was from Spartacus. I also cannot believe she won this year. Not because she didn't deserve it, but just because as of last year, I would really have wagered that her career was on the down slope. I guess there goes my gig as a figure-skating prognosticator. Don't choke at Worlds, Ashley.
This outfit is very bare -- the back is like a bra closure. I kind of wish there were more there there.
Ashley Wagner Free Skate
Here, she's in costume as Nicole Kidman's character in Moulin Rogue, and it's actually dead on for that -- and this routine reminded me that she has a habit of doing this thing that I loathe, which is celebrating (arm pumping, finger pointing) before her routine is over. Look, I have nothing against Joyous Celebration of Athletic Success -- please, chest bump your coach if you want! -- but at least wait until you're DONE WITH THE ROUTINE for the pointing and the celebrating, because YOU AREN'T DONE YET. What if you get so excited by how much you're nailing this shizz that you SKATE INTO THE WALL? I know some of that is probably reflex and god knows I am in favor of allowing a joyous expression to wash across your face, but I always think, "GIRL YOU ARE JINXING YOUR ASS." I mean. I guess she didn't. But still.
Here's the thing. I always want to type, "I like Ashley Wagner just fine!" but the truth is that Ashley Wagner might irritate me a little bit now. Against my will, even. Additionally, I thought this program, as much as I LOVE the music and the idea of it, felt a little under-choreographed. Am I nuts? It's possible I just will never like a routine the way I loved her Black Swan one.
Gracie Gold Short Program
This is also totally, totally lovely -- I think it's more blue in person than it is in this photo, and while there's some weird feather-y shenanigans at the hip, the neckline is one my favorites she's ever worn. Additionally, and noteworthily, most of the ladies looked decent. Nary a side-boob to fear. And, thank god, three out of four of the top finishers resisted the urge to pull their tights over their white skates. WE WILL PREVAIL.
Gracie Gold Free Skate
This is also lovely. It feels very Skating Costume By Elie Saab. Her routine was to OF COURSE Phantom. WHEN will I get the pairs routine set to this dulcet score with the dude wearing the mask? PLEASE. I ASK FOR NOTHING.
Karen Chen Short Program
Karen here finished third, and this was the first time I'd seen her -- she's only 15, and this was her senior debut. And she basically killed it. I love the neckline of her costume, and she's DELIGHTFULLY Bedazzled.
Karen Chen Free Skate
And her free skate was baller. Before I saw this skate, I would have bet all my money that she would be skating to Carmen. If you've got a flower behind your ear, it's Carmen, right? Nope. THE GODFATHER. I kind of might be in love with her.
Karen Chen Free Skate
This is amazing. She is INSANELY flexible.
Polina Edmunds Short Program
I desperately wish she were skating as Michelle Pfeiffer's Dangerous Liaisons character. (She is not. NEXT YEAR.)
Polina Edmunds Free Skate
This photo is from the ISU finale, but she wore the same thing at Nationals. This routine is to the music from Peter Pan, which feels REALLY CORRECT. (She finished 4th. I just had to throw her in because I love this lanky child.)
Mirai Nagasu Long Program
We need to talk about poor Mirai, whose last words to her coach before she took the ice were, "I'm scared." And then she ran into the wall! You guys know that is my fear! I JUST said that! OH MIRAI. And then she sort of melted down. She has really... had a tough go of it since the whole Olympics Thing last year. She looks so pretty! (Although I wish her skirt were a WEE longer.) I am a little worried that Mirai is currently the Lady Edith of US Women's Figure Skating.
Jason Brown Short Program
He took home the gold this go round, and he really is so great. He's got SUCH personality. As you can see here. This short program was a sort of...I hesitate to say rockabilly, but rockabilly-adjacent, which explains the suspenders. The thing I like about Jason -- well, one of many -- is that his non-jump choreography never looks lazy. You know how some skaters just kind of glide about between their jumps? His programs feel so jam-packed. I don't know if they're necessarily HARDER than anyone else's -- I don't think they are; he doesn't have a quad -- but they feel complete.
Jason Brown Free Skate
And I do think that, one day, perhaps Jason Brown will deliver the Beauty and the Beast short program of my dreams. (Skating as Gaston, of course.) (This was to Tristan and Iseult. WHATEVER.)
Joshua Farris Short Program
In your classic Just Dressed Like A Dude Who Shops At Banana costume. AKA The Evan Lysacek. (This routine is skated to Ed Sheeran, which feels totally right. That's not a complaint -- I love Ed Sheeran, and not just because one of the characters in The Royal We looks just like him in my head. I just mean, like, what ELSE would one wear to skate to Ed Sheeran? [We should also talk about how everyone can skate to music with lyrics now. Jeremy Abbott's short program is naturally to a slow jam. Also, Jeremy has a goatee now. There is no Jeremy in his slideshow because he melted down in the long program. I feel bad saying "as usual," because his father sadly just died, but also Jeremy always melts down in the long program. Poor Jeremy. He might be Man Lady Edith.])
Joshua Farris Free Skate
I decided Andrew Garfield is going to play Josh in the movie of his life. This long program is to music from Schindler's List, which of course means that he and his people had a conversation wherein you wonder what the heck you wear for something so fundamentally melancholy. I was unfamiliar with Farris prior to this year, and I have to say, I think he's quite good.
Adam Rippon Short Program
This seemed to be a bit GLITTERY on the ice. Which is as it ought to be, of course.
Adam Rippon Free Skate
Adam's trousers in this costume were DISTRACTINGLY TIGHT. I'd also like to congratulate him. Not for winding up on the podium, but because this is the first year in forever that the Getty Images photog didn't decide to go get a hot dog during his skate. He's skating to Liszt and I've decided he's skating AS Liszt.
Alexa Scimeca and Christopher Knierim Short Program
They ALSO skated to Moulin Rouge. There is going to be A LOT of Moulin Rouge now, I think. I wish someone would skate as the Jim Broadbent character for once. (Apparently they are engaged. I always want my pairs skaters to get married, if they are into the genitals required for that to be a successful romantic thing.)
Alexa Scimeca and Christopher Knierim Free Skate
So these two have a THROW QUAD in their routine and I literally screamed when they did it successfully. It is vaguely terrifying. This routine is to Gershwin, and their outfits seem sufficiently Gershwin-y. I feel like she, in fact, could have gone FURTHER with hers. (NO ONE brings the crazy like ice dancing, but, I am warning you, none of the US ice dancers looked that crazy this year, either.) Additionally: US pairs are going to spanked by the rest of the world at Worlds. Right?
Tara Kayne and Danny O'Shea Short Program
I didn't see this short program -- I only saw Scimeca and Knierim's because they re-aired it during the finals. I assume they're two sassy proprietors of a saloon/brothel in the Old West?
Tara Kayne and Danny O'Shea Free Skate
I hardly need tell you that this routine is ALSO to Spartacus. Look at that man's bicep warmers! Side note: What if Spartacus is the new Carmen?
Haven Denny and Brandon Frazier Short Program
I assume this was ALSO Moulin Rouge. Can we have an all Moulin Rouge competition?
Haven Denney and Brandon Frazier Free Skate
When I read that they were skating to The Lion King I just started giggling. PLEASE DRESS AS LIONS NEXT TIME, THEN.
Madison Chock and Evan Bates Short Dance
I'd like to compliment Tanith Belbin, who did commentating for the ice dancing, for not once chortling that everyone SUCKS compared to her fiance Charlie White. (She did a good job, I thought.) I didn't see the short programs, thanks to my DVR deciding to ruin my entire life, but I decided this skate was to something from The Hunger Games. Her skirt might be amazing.
Madison Chock and Evan Bates Free Dance
This skate was a salute to the black and white cookie. (Or it was to "An American in Paris." WHATEVER.)
Maia Shibutani and Alex Shibutani Short Dance
"It's so awkward that we're siblings."
"SHUT UP, ALEX."
Shibs Free Dance
I LOVE this dress on She Shib. They're skating the the Blue Danube, so it's quite on the nose, but she looks lovely and I love them. So. SO YAY.
Madison Hubbell and Zachary Donohoe Short Program
I decided THIS was a Salute to Judith Krantz, with all kinds of 80s Mini-Series Music. SO much saxophone!
Zachary Donohue and Madison Hubbell Free Dance
This. Was. Hideous. She was LITERALLY wearing a Glamour Don't bar across her bazooms. The worst part? THEY'RE SKATING TO SELECTIONS FROM THE GREAT GATSBY. WHAT. I hope your high school English teachers go back and give you both Fs. (Okay, so it was selections from the was recent movie, including Lana del Rey BUT STILL. He also has a rhinestone Chrysler Building on the back of his shirt I CANNOT and also this is exactly what I want from ice dancing.) See you at Worlds!