1. Kyler Murray, QB, Okla, to the Arizona Cardinals

Kyler RAN WITH THIS. I tend to think the tie tucked into the double-breasted U-necked vest is too fussy to work; it looks like a weird bib situation. Arizona, you may recall, drafted a quarterback last year, too: Josh Rosen of UCLA. So I guess he's trade bait. And the Cardinals did a bad job keeping a lid on this, because they cut a hype video for the season and didn't include a single FRAME of its starting QB in there anywhere (until they got called out by Colin Cowherd's radio show). Kyler is under 6 feet so he has his work cut out for him against pro linemen, but you NEVER KNOW. I am terrible at predicting these things. So are the people who get paid to, so I guess... we will all discover it together.

2. Nick Bosa, DE, OSU, to the 49ers

I believe Nick is considered a slam dunk, so congrats to the Niners. May Jimmy G experience a year of good health back there behind your O-line. I kind of like this grenish-grey velvet-y ensemble, but of course there is a SECRET...

SHRIEK. I should probably have warned Michigan fans how upsetting this might be. (He and many others were given custom suits by Michael Strahan's JCPenney line.)

3. Quinnen Williams, DT, Alabama, to the Jets

This whole thing is too big on him everywhere except at the neck, where it seems like it's constricting? Get these kids better tailors. 

ESPN tells me this is the fifth time since 2011 that the Jets have taken a defensive lineman in the first round. It... does not seem to have worked out THAT well for them? I have lost track of the Jets; does Sam Darnold even have anyone to THROW to over there?

5. Devin White, LB, LSU, to Tampa

No. 4 was the Raiders, who promised a surprise and picked a Clemson DE that seems to be a slight reach. Raiders gonna Raider, no matter who's in charge. They love draft shocks. Anyay, Clelin Ferrell wasn't there, so we move on to Devin, ALSO sporting a version of the double-breasted vest with the tie tucked into it. I mean, I don't know how else one would wear that exact style, other than, "Not at all." It looks so strange to me.

No. 7: Josh Allen, DE, Kentucky, to Jacksonville

It's my understanding that most people LOVE this player. Sadly his name is not as satisfying as "Bortles." Anyway, he brought his son to his Michael Strahan fitting, and I thought you'd like to see how dapper that noodle is. I also rather like Josh's jacket...

... which he had customized with his son's name and birthdate.

9. Ed Oliver, DT, Houston, to Buffalo

I am not sure defense was the problem in Buffalo last season, but okay. I would, yes, have ditched the vest under here. And also probably left the gratis headphones off my head. (He is far from the only one to make them an accessory.)

Mean Joe Greene

Mean Joe has a GREAT jacket on, and he got to announce a trade, which must have been fun. The Steelers don't typically trade up that high in the first round, from what I recall, but their guy was available and they had to have him and who better to go GET him than Mean Joe.

10. Devin Bush, ILB, Michigan, to the Steelers

Unfortuantely, he was in a fashion harness. This looks like part of the main titles sequence about a detective who solves crimes after immobilizing a different part of himself each week.

For all the drama about AB and LeVeon Bell, defense was actually a huge game-losing problem for the Steelers. I hope this guy can lock in on the opposing offense as well as his harness did on him.

11. Jonah Williams, T, Alabama, to Cincinnati

This is not terribly inspired, but that's okay. Who does he REMIND me of, though? It's nagging at the edges of my brain. I can't figure it out. 

13. Christian Wilkins, DT, Clemson, to Miami

We skipped No. 12, Rashan Gary to the Packers, because he didn't come. But he landed at a good team. That Aaron Rodgers kid is going places. And that brings us to Christian, who looks like he just finished dancing with his flash mob. Speaking of flashing...

I do enjoy all the interior surprises these past few years. But, NO Clemson colors anywhere?!? I can think of one Tigers fan who will be very sad, and he lives in my house.

13. Christian Wilkins, DT, Clemson, to Miami

He ALSO seems to have delighted in the chance to fake-tackle Roger Goodell, something I think many of his professional cohorts would like to do for real.

16. Brian Burns, DE, Florida State, to the Carolina Panthers

That is pretty sharp, and do I see a hint of a patterned sock? Sir, I applaud this.

I don't know why the lighting here is so wonky on Burns's suit color. I just wanted to show you the wild Spiderman socks.

20. Noah Fant, TE, Iowa, to the Denver Broncos

Joe Flacco is QB'ing in Denver now, and he LOVES throwing to his tight ends. Having said that, other than Peyton Manning, John Elway has proven to have atrocious QB judgment; Flacco is a reasonable bet, but not forever. Anyway. This lad seems darling, said the old lady. The bow tie sells it.

22. Andre Dillard, T, Washington State, to the Eagles

I applaud the attempt at a pattern, but the color scheme is kind of drab, no? Also I messed up my Washingtons in the first version of this and this IS similar to WSU's crimson and gray, so there's that.

24. Josh Jacobs, RB, Alabama, to Oakland

No Marshawn Lynch, so they need SOMEONE to tote the rock. I wish his pants were blue.

25. Marquise "Hollywood" Brown, WR, Okla, to Baltimore

Well, as someone who roots for the Steelers, I JEER them drafting a good receiver. Brown is good but shortish -- he's under 6 feet -- and that could also apply to his pants. Possibly except for "good." They seem to fit him all wrong. 

Marquise Brown

I like the pattern on the outside of his jacket, though. His photo on the inside is just goofy, though not as much as the GIANT pendant that is ALSO in his own image.

30. DeAndre Baker, DB, Georgia, to the Giants

DeAndre seems uncomfortable. Perhaps someone just told him that his shoes are D&G, or perhaps someone just yelled GO GO GADGET SPRINGS and his shoe soles unexpectedly started to react.

They might be part LEGO.

The 2019 NFL Draft

This year's draft, despite having a shock at No. 6 (see below), suffered from a lack of really flashy talent at skill positions -- which, for however much linemen are essential building blocks, tend to be the players that spark the most interest and speculation. The draft was never going to be sexy, no matter how hard ESPN tried to make it seem so by shouting, "HISTORY IS BEING MADE YET AGAIN TONIGHT, with the FIRST EVER OFFENSIVE LINEMAN FROM WASHINGTON STATE GOING IN THE FIRST ROUND." Or, "HOLD THE PHONE, THAT'S TWO MISSISSIPPI STATE BULLDOGS IN A ROW." They were also obsessed with praising Notre Dame's Jerry Tillery for going to Maui with his family and friends instead of to the draft, which is unusual for dudes who are AT the draft, covering the draft. (I've gotta say, that's a solid move in my book also, Jerry.) Anyway, accordingly, not as many players showed up this year, but we're going to work with what we've got. Kyler Murray, knowing he'd be the first pick, came to play. One of the big controversies involved someone we have to embed here: No. 6 Daniel Jones, QB, Duke, to the New York Giants. Embed from Getty Imageswindow.gie=window.gie||function(c){(gie.q=gie.q||[]).push(c)};gie(function(){gie.widgets.load({id:'_JiXOGD1RcJ38jKS_vuCDw',sig:'JfiXWShZGZYjmddaS4TNtYwXxdJpR9b8TwLG8Q31flk=',w:'396px',h:'594px',items:'1145109423',caption: false ,tld:'com',is360: false })}); This poor dude. People were astonished. All the Giants fans, watching inside their stadium, were silent with anticipation and then LOUDLY BOOED when it was announced. The guy whose phone recorded this -- they aired it on ESPN -- was so agonized that he hunched over and wailed. Twitter immediately called for the manager to be fired. It's his second year. He passed on QBs last year to take RB Saquon Barkley, which I actually liked, but Eli Manning is for SURE in his twilight years and can this dude pick up the slack as quickly as they like? Almost no one thinks so, and therefore I'm rooting for it. I mean, he went to Duke. He's got to have a nimble mind? [Photos: Rex/Shutterstock]