Heidi Klum in Nedo

This is a mess, friend. The sleeves look too short, the whole THING looks a hair tight, and the modesty strip evokes nothing so much as a black-tie sumo wrestling uniform. Heidi Klum needs a makeover.

Alison Brie in Elie Saab

While she's off getting it, the role of Heidi Klum can be played by Alison Brie.

Drea DeMatteo

But WATCH OUT, Alison, because Drea DeMatteo is waiting in the wings.

Camila Cabello in Balmain

You know, I would stop cracking jokes about bedsheet origami if people would stop MAKING bedsheet origami.

Whitney Port

This feels like she should have leaned full into the babydoll '90s aesthetic with some Doc boots or something.

Remy Ma

How... pinchy.

Jonathan Van Ness

Jonathan Van Ness needs to lean into LUXE, is my feeling. That cape is super fancy, and he's wearing it over a tank top and gym shorts. Billy Porter would shake his fist heavenward at the waste of glam potential. [The caption on this listed him as "U.S. hairdresser Jonathan Van Ness," which I feel would irritate him in the extreme and also makes him sound like he is our United States National Hairdresser. I WOULD love to unleash him on Trump's coif, although that may already have been self-sabotaged beyond further damage.]

2 Chainz

I was so distracted by his cute swingy coat that I only just noticed that there is some weird and distracting stitching on his pants. His necklace says TRAP and I feel as if the pants absolutely are, and so was the coat, because I fell into it and nearly missed the rest.

The Jonai: Nick, Joe, and Kevin

I have developed a weird soft spot for Kevin Jonas. Nick here is in a fancy flight suit and has swole shoulders that the kids seem to love. Joe's suit makes him look squat somehow and he needs a real shirt PLEASE AND THANK YOU (you are not a Soprano, dude), but he was the O.G. Jonas heartthrob. Kevin, who always had the David Silver blouses, never went solo and no one seemed to pine for him they way they did his brothers, and he's here in a jacket that skirts being cut like a grandpa cardigan and shoes that are ALMOST orthopedic. But he and his wife seem low-key and normal, like he's just a dude standing next to his boys, asking them to play music again because he enjoyed it and also it paid the mortgage. I can hang with you, Chill Jonas.

Big Sean

And here we have a velvet sweatsuit. UNLESS it's coveralls?

Victor Cruz

I had thought this was a jumpsuit TOO but it might just be a suit made of raincoat material. Underneath a second coat. I hope that shit's breathable, Victor.

Billy Ray Cyrus

I mean, Billy. Black shoes.

Rosalia

The VMAs seemed to be trying to emulate the Grammys in having more singers perform in their native languages. Rosalia has a great voice and that must have been thriling for her (she's apparently collaborating with Billie Eilish soon?). Aesthetically here she looks like across between Selena Gomez, a Kardashian, and Erica Kane at a funeral.

Lindsey Vonn, PK Subban

Lindsey's sleeves are hypnotic, but... that is a belted bathrobe, right? And... she isn't HOOKED to him is she? I assume that chain goes to his own pocket? If we could just loan some fabric to his pants from his coat, he'd be in fine shape.

Bad Bunny

Seasonal allergies are a bear.

Heidi Deploys Some Uber-Klum, and Weirdly, So Does Alison Brie

They lead the parade of black and white VMAs outfits.