Taylor Swift

I think Taylor looks stunning here -- really grown-up, as opposed to really trying to be. Yeah, it's short, but how often does Taylor Swift ever work the legs? It's a fun change, it's lively, the dress is beautiful, and her head looks tremendous. Poor Conor is totally sitting at home staring into a 40 and whimpering to his friends, "DUDE, bro."

Taylor Swift

And then on-stage, Taylor showed up in a more typical white sheath that was strangely lumpy and boring and shapeless.

Taylor Swift

And then the Phantom of the Opera's low-rent cousin showed up. He calls himself the Spook of the All-Purpose Event Center(s), and he's way more of a spotlight whore.

Taylor Swift

So Taylor rips open the boring white dress -- which we now know was dumb and shapeless and lumpy because it had to conceal another costume and then get torn away -- to reveal that she is Helena Bonham Carter crossed with Nicki Minaj with a sprinkling of Carrie Underwood. In a way I'm surprised she waited this long for total on-stage drama, but I'm concerned this might be ushering in an era of unitards and leotards and innumerable other pelvis-abusing garments. And then THEY will want to write some songs.

AMAs Well Played, Taylor Swift

The most important question in all this is, does Taylor still own the across-the-street love nest in Hyannisport? Because the song I want to hear is the one about when she brings one of the One Direction kids home to it and Conor Kennedy gets het up and there is a mighty clash of mop-tops. [Photos: Getty]