HOLA!!!!!
"We begin, lovers, with me wearing the performance art version of an Easter basket that fell on a bunny. Ay, but no animals were harmed in the making of this muy importante visual statement, amigos, and I know this because if I were going to harm one I would pick the coyote to my left wearing one of Bea Arthur's blouses."
Awwwwwwwwwwwwww
"And this is the part where the plot twisted back to where it belongs! My little old bosses remembered that little old MEEEE was named the most beautiful person in the entire world! It was so sweet of them to remember after I had Marc buy all the copies of People at the local newsstand and then stack them in the bathrooms with a note written in blood!"
Meeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?
"So spontaneous and sweet of them to acknowledge my room-crushing lady-destroying competitive beauty, because it is the elephant in the room. A very sexy toned elephant. A very sexy toned elephant who will CRUSH SKELETOR because he skipped the rehearsal on how to curtsy at me during this totally unplanned surprise tribute."
MAS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"And then I got a spotlight! THIS is why I agreed to star in Lopez: Lopez. It was not for the other people to sing at me; it was so people could LOOK at me."
Blech
"Yucky, lovers. Ryan was all, 'Ay, Marc, he is the lucky man,' and to that I say NO KIDDING SHITLOCK HOLMES. Do you ever hear anyone saying, 'Jennifer, she is such a lucky woman'? NO. Except for the times when they're talking about my beauty, but the other three percent of the time? No, lovers. You never hear it. I am so upset I forget the Spanish word for never."
Toro!
"This cheered me up, lovers: That crazy two-note wonder wearing a bouquet of flowers. For me. Because I am the most beautiful person in the world. I TOLD you this show was all for me! He is a one-man Rose Parade and I am his princessa and later he will take off that suit and put it in a vase and give it to me for my kitchen."
Hmm
"I am not sure what he is trying to do here. Toss me the bouquet? Does that mean we have to get married? Porque I have lawyers, lovers. They have practically pre-filed the divorce paperwork. I'm just saying. Two notes + flesh = WAY better than a hundred notes plus cheekbones I could drink a protein shake from, after one of the very long workouts that make me The Hottest Woman In El Mundo."
Ay, chica, no
"Lovers, are we seeing ANOTHER attempt at a Mini-Me? Because it is going to take more than a headband and tall hair and a Flashdance shirt to copy The Most Stylisy Woman In The World, no? Where are her mink lashes? Where are her catsuits? Where is her poof? YOU NEED POOF."
Poof!
"Well. I am starting to see it now, lovers. This is a bit me. But compared to the next little lost girl puppy who came out to sing, she is NADA."
AHA
"Now THAT, lovers, is Jennifer Lopez. When you march so hard your crotch pays a visit? YO! Thigh-high boots that look like stockings? YO! Wild hair? YO! It is official, lovers: I am adopting Curly Girl. Also because she is in the bottom three every week and eventually she will go home and we will be left with nobody who can try to out-me ME."
MEMEME
"And hola again, lovers! Tonight I am dressed as the Emmy I am going to win for Best Person In A Thing Where People Talk!"
WHAAAT
"HAHAHAHHAHA. A sense of humor is so important in this country of ours, lovers!"
No
"She is so hilarious that I must look away. Somebody make that girl eat ten copies of my People issue until she learns just how socially important her jokes are."
Who?
"Tonight, lovers, we had this hat with legs come out to sing. His name was Jason Blahblah, or something, I don't know. Does it matter? I cannot see him."
What?
"It could be Garth Brooks. It could be that man with the soul patch who looked like Garth Brooks that time. It could be Jennifer Hudson. It could be Jennifer ShutYourHugeLips. It could be Yuck Hatfleck, for all I know. Lovers, it was upsetting. It was like a hat that talks. I do not like it when objects talk. They remind me of the time I thought the big wooden thing in the basement was trying to kill me until I realized it was just Marc lying in his napping place."
Better
"Thank God this cute girl showed up -- I guess she won this show back when it was Brian Dunkleman Presents.... or whatever? She is so brave to stand there and look at Hatface. Somebody should give her a statue with my face on it."
Eh?
"But then Ryan showed up with some lady he said was a baker? And Chocolate Khan? I do not know. I am so very young and therefore have not heard of them. But I applaud that woman for carrying a fan. Should I start carrying a fan, lovers? I could make one right now out of Skeletor's crinkled hide! It is already pleated! HAHAHA."
Oh
"I guess those two other old singers were here to watch this new one? Her name is... well, it starts with an R, lovers. I do not know. I was busy looking beautiful."
Hmm
"I do not know what to think, lovers. At first I thought it was okay? Now I think maybe it is a velvet ode to the head of that clarinet player in the Star Wars cantina. Which I have only seen on DVD, of course, because I am so young and beautiful that I was of course not old enough to see it in theaters! It is true! I am the most beautiful woman in the world!"
HANG ON
"HOLA PRODUCERS. The most BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD, not the most darkly lit woman in the shadows! That honor belongs to Aeroskeleton up in here! FIX IT."
Phew
"IT IS ABOUT TIME. DO NOT UNDER-LIGHT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. BECAUSE IF I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD THEN I AM OBVIOUSLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN YOUR STUPID LITTLE BLUE THEATER."
AND THEN
"Another episode, another me! Lovers, drink in my formal shorts. Put them in your PBA-free water bottle of life and sip on their flavor! They will leave no carbon footprint on your heart! Although, ay, they might leave a rash footprint on my thighs. Sparkle is itchy sometimes."
Hola!
"Ay, how did this get in here? I do not know at all! Oopsie!"
Soulmate!
"Lovers, this was the week my soulmate -- remember him, the one who did not like Marc all those times? -- came out with a marching band and used the microphone stand like a cane. He was like Max Max: Cabaretdome.
Ow
"And it was loud, lovers. I do not trust marching bands. Oh, si, yaaay, you can play instruments and raise your knees at the same time! BIG DEAL. I HAD TWO BABIES AT ONCE."
Soulmate again
"But after a while, lovers, he was so tasty and forceful and FLESHY and I just gave in to the power of his big metal symbolic wang."
AHOY
"I SALUTE YOU, Symbolic Metal Wang! America was built on your passion!"
Crazy Beard
"And speaking of PASSION, lovers, Redbeard took a Maroon Five song that sounded like the man sang it while wearing a noseplug and turned it into a song that sounded like a man was singing it while eating a sandwich, and then he came up to me in his rocker lunberjack outfit and do you know what he did? DO YOU, LOVERS?"
Kissy kissy
"He KISSED the most beautiful woman in the world! He gave me un beso! With actual flesh lips!"
WOOO
"He is my FAVORITE! IF HE DOES NOT WIN THEN IT IS BECAUSE AMERICA HATES TRUTH. Or, that America is jealous that it cannot also kiss the most beautiful cheek in the world. Tee-hee. You know you want it. And do not worry, America. I will make sure Marc does not feed him to the gang at his next undead poker game."
Big Me
"And now, just to prove to Curly Girl that I do everything better than everyone, here I am in my OWN shiny dress with my OWN giant tall boots that are like skin. I am not trying to be BETTER than her, lovers. (I cannot help that I am naturally better than her! It is not my fault!) I just want to be a MENTOR. I want to TEACH. And here I am teaching her to be careful what she wears because I might wear it better, TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT, and then where will she be? Crying on a hill of Pearl Harbor DVDs, that's where."
Zzz
"Otherwise, lovers, it had the makings of a boring night. This man with a less interesting beard showed up and sang something and said nice things about charity..."
ZzzzzzzZzzz
"And I guess the little children went to a Dodgers game, where they assaulted some 'famous' old man, who looked really upset and bored..."
WHOA
"And THEN. Lovers, this Katy Perry person came out, and I am going to have someone fired because she is not allowed to have a clone army because that is what I am going to make with all my expelled Mini-Mes and it's even in my contract and so I am going to sue off her pants. Except she's in a catsuit. I am going to sue the cat out of her suit, lovers! MEOW."
Oh
"... I did not think to put in my contract, 'When acting as queen of clone army, shoot lasers out of torso.' Marc! Eat the lawyers!"
YO YO YO
"Next, lovers, you will not believe HEY WHAT UP Y'ALL, SIT DOWN JENNIFER AND LET KANYE DO THE TALKING AND YOUR LIBIDO DO THE WALKING TO THE LOT WHERE PEOPLE BE PARKING AND WE WILL SET THE CAR A-ROCKING WHILE YOUR HUSBAND STANDS THERE GAWKING BUT HE SHOULDN'T FIND IT SHOCKING BECAUSE FRANKLY HE IS TOTALLY CREEPY AND SOMETIMES I HAVE NIGHTMARES WHERE HE EATS MY APPENDIX."
DIG IT
CHECK OUT MY JURASSIC OUTFIT, YO, IT IS LIKE WEARING MASCULINITY ON MY SHOULDERS. I'M LIKE THE FIRST MAN ON EARTH WITH A WICKED MASSIVE GIRTH KNOCKING UP LADIES WHO GIVE BIRTH TO A RACE THAT'S FULL OF WORTH YES THAT MEANS I'M PAPA SMURF TO EVERYONE FROM J.LO TO COLIN FIRTH WHICH BRINGS ME MUCH MIRTH BECAUSE CAN YOU IMAGINE ME INVITING HIM TO THANKSGIVING AND LETTING HIM CARVE MY TURKEY AND CALLING HIM 'SON'? YO I SHOULD TRY THAT. I NEED MORE OSCAR-WINNERS IN MY FAMILY AND I JUST BOUGHT A NEW BANQUET SUBMARINE AND HE SEEMS LIKE A DUDE WHO WOULD REALLY DIG THAT."
GIRL PLEASE
"KATY PERRY IS PRETTY GOOD ON THIS SONG BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD HAVE ASKED BEYONCE. SHE REALLY DESERVED IT MORE AND SHE'S WAY MORE TALENTED AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THE BEST CATSUIT I'VE EVER SEEN. BEYONCE WOULD HAVE WORN A BETTER ONE. MAYBE IT'S NOT DOPE OF ME TO ADMIT THAT BUT BY TRYING TO BE SUPER DOPE I ENDED UP SOUNDING LIKE A DOPE AND THAT IS NOT DOPE AT ALL. SO INSTEAD I AM JUST GOING TO SPEAK MY MIND AND IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME THEN I WILL JUST FIND BIGGER AND BIGGER JACKETS TO WEAR UNTIL YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE."
Whee!
"Ayyy, Mr. West, I speak your language! It is the language of art, and of being bored with Katy Perry! I probably invented that language! Please come speak it with me again, sir, because if we have another week of boring boring BORING people I am going to start asking Marc to rush the stage and bite off people's ears."