WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"When my stylist said, 'Jennifer, you MUST dress like the person the masked man throws knives at on Circus of the Stars,' I said, 'MAKE IT HAPPEN,' even though I did not understand any of those words in that order. I only know that if there are knives, I can use one to pin Marc to the wall for a few days while I go on vacation and build up my blood supply. Plus I am so HAPPYYYYY, I want to JUMP, and that is what jumpsuits are for, I mean, holaaaaa, lovers, it's RIGHT THERE in the name!"
HOLA FOR THE LAST TIME
"Once upon a time, lovers, there was the final performance show, si? And to celebrate, I decided to dress very ARTSY, like I am the Emerald City of Oz, but on ICE. It is perfecto, lovers, because I am just like the Emerald City: People make pilgrimages to me, I make everyone around me look better just by glowing all pretty, there are CRAZY PARTS TO ME, there is a crazy man in my house who hides behind curtains and yells things, and as you can see here, I hang out with a horse that is very colorful."
SIGH FOR NOT THE LAST TIME
"Lovers, look at Finalist Girl. Look at her and know that for half of Lopez Idol, she wore leggings and cowboy boots. And so this is how she will never win The Me Show> I could have TOLD her that IF SHE WOULD HAVE ASKED. Instead she is all Shoulderpads McThrowback up in here."
SIGH FOR STILL NOT THE LAST TIME
"Lookit, a tutu! Ballet dancers don't wear boots. Are we saved, lovers?"
MORE SIGH STILL NOT DONE
"NO. If I am Oz, she is Glinda the Good Witch, IF GLINDA WERE A SQUARE DANCER WITH MENSTRUAL CRAMPS. Dios mio, lovers, I cannot. NO PUEDO."
SIGH FOR NEARER TO THE LAST TIME THAN WE WERE BEFORE
"Lovers, I do not love the maxi dress. There is no need to wear all that fabric to be maxi. I am maxi all the time and I am only ever thirty percent clothed! But, ay, this is so much better, because I do not want to stab anyone like normal."
Yay, The Last Night Of This For A Long Time!
"And then, lovers, after a final singing part so boring you could put a hair plug in it and call it Boob Sackfleck, there was the final final final night. Lovers, did I have any choice but to dress like the sparkle genie you get when you rub a bottle that you found in Elizabeth Taylor's attic? I did not. She is royalty, I am royalty. It is the same. Look for my new perfume, Flesh Diamonds, and root for me to get married four or five more times."
OY
"Que horrible, lovers. These are the scrubby failed Mini-Jennifers, back to sing even though people kicked them off the show because they got sick of hearing them sing. And they look like vestal virgins from a planet that has an aluminum fetish and has invented very good stain sticks. Do you think I could borrow one? Because I wear a lot of white on account of how I am a beautiful angel brought down as a gift to Earth, and sometimes my Marc is messy when he taps a vein and I do not always like the smell of Oxy Clean."
MORE SIGHING IT WON'T STOP
"And now they look like the murder-y people from that musical where all those women kill their husbands because of jazz. I think it is called Zzzzz, although if I am ever in it, the name will change to, Suddenly Fake Murder Is So Sexy."
OH PLEASE
"Oooh, hola, y'all, I am Miss Crotch-yonce, with the Light of El Dios coming from my lady church, woo-hooo, ME ME ME ME."
GO AWAY
"And then she prances around in her tiny skirt and Original Mini-Me in her stupid sarong and leather codpiece is all, 'Whee, this is so fun,' and so I will have to show her in a few seconds EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS TO BE JENNIFER LOPEZ. Because it does not involve just having a sassy walk. It involves making incense out of my hair and then burning it and then INHALING it while meditating and then snacking on some Pop Chips and then INHALING IT SOME MORE and oh, lovers, I can't tell you all my secrets but it involves gardenias in the toilet, tee hee."
Wha
"Ay? TLC? I thought you said you didn't want no scrubs. HAHAHAHAHAHA."
Eh?
"... Wait, uno momento, lovers, when did we get to the leather bar?"
Tee hee
"I MEAN. It is so confusing. Do not stress out Love In A Hellevator over there or else he will freeze like that. Although lovers, shhh, do not tell, but I think he ALREADY froze ten years ago."
So Special
"Lovers. This is a special treat. If the light of fake angels and made-up glory comes from Dumbyonce's leg cave, then this is ... ay, lovers, I cannot lie: It is Satan's bedside table lamp from IKEA."
VOILA
"IT BURNS. AY, EL FUEGO, or whatever!"
Hold on
"And then... a ray of hope, lovers..."
Ooh
"Why HOLA, sex demon. I smell your man fuel and I wish to light it with my essence. I shall move closer."
Oooh
"Come, demon, do you want to do yoga, or do you want to light a match on my abs? BE MY GUEST."
Ooooh
"YOU DOUBT MY POWERS, HELLBOY. How would you feel if I bit YOUR neck, Mr. Sickly Man Shadow? Should I devour you, lover? Or should I just puncture you with a screwdriver and DANCE on your FACE?"
Oooooh
"Ay, never mind, I think I will stay in and wash my hair."
Ooooooh
"LATHER RINSE REPEAT. LATHER RINSE REPEEEEEEAT. I will wash that vamp right out of mi pelo."
Oooooooh
"What? You peek? You want to see the most beautiful woman in the world, who washes her hair extensions by wearing them on a shirt in the bath?"
Ooooooooh
"DRINK. DRINK! Beban from my cup of life!"
THE END
"See, lovers? THAT is how you sparkle. Brought to you by my buttocks, the tails of twenty Shetland ponies, Lucifer, and the good people at Cover Girl, who are about ten seconds away from offering me a contract to sell their new line of perspiration makeup, called Dewy Sex Face."
Do not look
"It is moments like this when I must tango with the devil. What can I say, lovers? He is skinny, he is brittle, he told me I was his type but it turned out to mean something different than I thought, he is pocked-sized, he is crabby, and I hate everything about him SO I MUST HAVE HIM. It is true love. It is passion, lovers. Or as they say on the block, pasión. You are welcome."
Oh right
"This person was also there. I guess her name is Sheila E. Did anyone care? Was she shaking her tailfeather like it was still attached to the peacock that ate the canary? NO. So get back to me when you stop making me want to nap. I cannot nap right now because I just danced, OH HOW I DANCED, and Marc is not supposed to snack on my life force for at least another half an hour."
BORING
"Ay, put a cork in it, Blahyonce, did I not just show you how it is done? Sit down and take notes and cry because you do not have chest noodles."
Ay, AGAIN?
"What, more? Is everyone on this show a re-barf from before? Then WHY AM I NOT SINGING ABOUT THE FLOOR?
Also, lovers, THIS person? Really? First it was Madonna. And now she is copying Carol Burnett? Lovers, I am concerned about this woman. Who will she copy next? Milli Vanilli? Bike shorts cannot come back, lovers. The last time I saw my Marc in spandex, it was because he went as Superman for Halloween and I laughed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye."
WHAT
"Wait. Stop, lovers. Is she having the fake sex?"
WHAAAAT
"WHERE IS HIS HEAD THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW. This is a show for my abs and my wiggly genetic seat-cushion and my hair and my cleavage and singing about being on the floor and maybe a little bit about the children, but frankly lovers they are not as interesting as I am. So. This person will never work in this town again. Say adios, Lady Whozit."
Blah
"And then back to the Finalist Kiddies. Leggings McTunic sang with Carrie Underclothes and her magical hotpanties of WHAT, ME WORK OUT, NOOO, I JUST BOUNCE AROUND ON STAGE AND THEN SOMETIMES GO JOGGING, HEY LOOK, DID SOMEONE INJECT CHISELED ROCK INTO MY LEGS? If there is one thing I despise, lovers, is it a Braggypants. I mean, did she miss the memo that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and not her? Marc, send her the memo I wrote."
Worst Episode Ever
"And then THIS HAPPENED. I guess he is in the show Spider Man: Death From Above, And The Sides, and Below."
<i>Besos</i>
"Hmm, maybe I should kiss the spider child while he is still alive. It can't be worse than kissing my Marc, who tastes like a cooktop."
Jokes!
"Teehee! No! I will just poke you in the lip! Silly spider! Beautiful Women do not make out with upside-down mask people! Try Carrie Underpants instead."
Hehehehe
"HAHAHAHA I said underpants!"
Ay
"Speaking of underpants, here is Dude Looks Like My Granny, dancing with his microphone of scarves. Lovers, I will not have to sit next to him for SIX WHOLE MONTHS, if I do the show again, which I might not, because I am almost too beautiful for television and also they cannot make enough jumpsuits and balloon pants fast enough for me to have a new wardrobe."
Smooooooth
"But it is okay, lovers, because when I do not have clothes, I have my silky legs, thanks to my fantasgreatiful Venus razor that you should buy and which I am totally not trying to sell to you just because nobody was buying any of my albums."
Oh right
"PS Finalist boy won. Did you care? Did you even remember why you were here, except to look at me? NO. So who is the real winner here? YO. So congratulations to me! I hope I will be back next year to defend my title! I am the Lopez Idol! Shhh, lovers, I could have told you that six months ago, but I wanted the money just in case nobody wanted to hear me sing about the floor. Do not tell the FOX. Mama needs a new outhouse for Marc to sleep in."