An Angel En El Mundo!
"And here I am, lovers, looking like Heaven sent me from el cielo to save you from things that are evil! If you did not have me, here, now, protecting your eyeballs, you would drop DEAD and barf maggots at the sight of what is coming!"
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
"Steven Toother has a wax double! It is like a horror movie! It is called Terrorsmith and it's about a serial killer who sings you to death and has stabby tonsils! Can you even tell which one is real and which one is fake? NO! NOBODY CAN! NOT EVEN STEVEN."
Curly Girl
"So, lovers, this Gwen Stefani person put her LAMB on the girls this week, or something? I do not know the details, but I do know that perhaps she meant to say sheep? Because I am counting them. ZZZ. This is a blanket belted over pants. Is this all you have, Lambykins?"
Other Girl
"And then AYYYYY, this girl came out and my soul did that thing Steven Tyler's face does when he yells! Perhaps I died in that moment. WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT, GWEN SUCK-ANI?!?"
Other Girl Again
"And what have you done to her hair, EVIL STYLIST? This is not the 1980s, lovers! This child is not in the movie Heathers! There is no red scrunchie of power! There is only Miss Muffet's tuffet on her head! I would fix this for her with my own magical hands but I try not to use them after 4 p.m."
Heathers Man
"Whaaaat? GO BACK TO THE MOVIE HEATHERS. TAKE THAT GIRL'S SHORTS WITH YOU AND STOP CHEERING LIKE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOURSELF. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU IS LYING. ESPECIALLY YOUR HAIR. LIES HELP VAMPIRES BREED. SO STOP IT. YOU ARE MAKING MY MARRIED LIFE MORE ROBUST THAN EVER AND I NEED YOU TO COOL IT."
Ewww
"And then to add some kind of infection to injury, lovers, Steven Thingy collapsed on me and pretended to sleep all over my neck. Do you know how much Lysol I used after this night, lovers? It was enough to replace all my blood, which... shhh, I might try that tomorrow! Hehehehe! Suck it, Marc! NO, REALLY. I DARE YOU."
Mini-Me 2
"This, lovers, almost made up for the other stuff. Gwen Lamb is not as stupid as those other clothes make me think! See, there is Little Pia Almost-Me, wearing a jumpsuit. Do you know who else likes jumpsuits? YO."
Mini-Me 2
"And do you know who else likes pants with floaty groin bits? YO. She even almost got the hair right. ALMOST."
Si Si Si!!!111111
"Seeeeee? Si! I give you satiny floaty groin bits! But you need a BUN on your head, lovers, because you should look as much like a pear as possible! Also if you need to parachute anywhere then your hair won't get caught in a tree branch! Ay, I am brilliant, I should do a book. Someone tell Specs O'Cardigan over there to write that down. I never thought he seemed smart but he is wearing glasses so he must be."
Ay the PAIN
"But lovers, this poor sweet adorable child AGAIN got bitch-slapped by the style people. WHAT. IS. THAT. OUTFIT. I could drink bleach and make sweet love to Skeletor Tyler and the result would not be so ugly!"
IT GETS WORSE
"I MEAN. Do you see a lanai anywhere, lovers? Are those four old ladies from Lifetime eating cheesecake on a patio nearby? NO. I DO NOT THINK SO. BECAUSE I DO NOT BELIEVE IN PATIOS. They are just yacht decks without the water! And that is as tragic as these disco pajamas!
"But lovers. THINGS GOT WORSE AGAIN. I know you do not think it is possible, but it IS."
IT BURNS
"AAAAAH. IT WANTS TO SKIN ME ALIVE. Psst. I do not blame him, lovers. If I could wear me all the time, I would."
Woe
"And THEN America sniffed glue and put Mini-Me in the bottom three, and the stylists sniffed glue and put her in a shirt sling. And I think maybe that guy on the left sniffs glue all the time? I do not know, except that he can only hit three notes. Lovers, what nonsense is that? I AM JENNIFER LOPEZ. And you give to me a man who sounds like he has strep throat and is singing with noseplugs? AND he is in the bottom three with Mini-Me? NO."
Innocence
"Slow clap for the producers, lovers, because Marc is not here this week, so at least surely it cannot get any worse.
"OH BUT."
Whaaaat
"AYYYYYYYYYYYY."
FIERCE
"HAVE YOU SEEN MY HUSBAND? DO I NOT GET ENOUGH OF DEAD-LOOKING CRAZY-EYES AT HOME?!?"
NOOOO
"AY, LOVERS, IT WIGGLES!"
Fear
"I cannot look. Hold me, Skeletor."
NO
"GET SENOR POP AWAY FROM THE TABLE."
Rage
"I AM NOT AMUSED."
AIIIIEEEE
"IT'S GETTING CLOSER. IF IT TOUCHES MY MAGIC HAIR BUTTON I AM GOING TO KILL IT DEAD WITH MY EYELASHES."
Plotty Face
"And so I start thinking about which producer's intestines Marc will floss with FIRST! HAHA! And now I can smile because it will make owing him the sex WORTH IT.
"But lovers, the worst was not here yet."
Sad Eyes
"Look at tiny Pia's rage eyes as she gets cut! America. What. Are. You. DOING. YOU SENT MY MINI-ME HOME AGAIN. ARE YOU NOT CLEAR WHAT THE RULES ARE ON THIS SHOW ABOUT ME, WHERE WE ARE TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO BE MY NEW PET?"
Waaah
"Randy and his dumb glasses were all, 'Nooo, the world is overrrrr, dawg, you did your thing, how did your thing not work,' and the poor sad child next to Pia had to sit there while we all CRIED and WAILED that he was not the one going home instead, because none of us wanted to see HIS thing any more!"
Weeping Angel
"I am BROKEN, lovers. All I want to do is touch lives, even if I am touching them through Marc's fangs of revenge. So am I secretly happy that another wannabe-Jennifer is gone, and cannot threaten me with her boobs and her blousy crotch? No. I am GOODNESS, lovers. I am too busy feeling to gloat! Although I am wearing the perfect pants for that -- Marc did tell me they made me look gloated and I didn't know what he meant until now!"
Fake Sad Eyes
"Even Cocktail Pajamas was all NOOOO, and Beard Psycho was all WHAAAAT, and Middle Girl was all, OH GEE THAT IS REALLY SUCH A POTENTIAL TINY TINY MAYBE-SHAME, because, shhh, I read in Us Weekly that Middle Girl hated Mini-Me! And now I will have to hate her! I will sneak in her room and put filler in her lips and posters of Fatfleck on her walls and call her Jenny From The Schlock and ahahhahahaa, lady girl, you have a nemesis now! FEEL THE BURN!"