HOLA OTRA DIA!
"Lovers, you may want to know why I wear only one sleeve so many times. And so I say to you: Miran, if you had to sit next to that man's hair, wouldn't YOU want to wear a sparkle condom? What if I caught his case of rathead, lovers? The world, she would not turn! Ay, though, if the world did not turn, maybe it would be daylight forever and Marc would catch fire! Perhaps I will remove the sleeve."
Fake Me
"And so it continues, lovers. This Pia person walked out wearing a dress I probably wore -- ay, but mine would have been so much more expensive! -- because she wants me to love her. And Pia rhymes with mia, so maybe I do. Or maybe I want to feed her to Marc."
Future Oscar Winner!!!!!!!
"How do YOU think I feel about her? Well, you think I am muy alegre, because I clap! But lovers, I hate her stupid pretty face and her dumb good voice and her cheap Lopez glitter! What is my secret? Shhhh. It is called ACTING. And I do it better than anyone in the world! Dear Helen Mirren: MOVE OVER, ABUELA! I could play Queen Whoozit the Second in my sleep! Ay, and I did once, lovers. I woke up wearing a crown. But I was also tied to a stone slab in the basement. Marc was lighting torches. He told me that is how they crown royalty in England and he just wanted me to feel like a queen! So exciting! Let's see you play THAT, Old Person!"
Shocky Face
"Then, lovers, I forgot all about Pia Mia because this poor child came out and the witch doctor said something to her like, "That was so good maybe now you can afford the rest of that dress," and he looked at her like he wanted to eat sushi off her knees, and this poor niña was like AY SAVE ME RYAN WEECREST." And can you blame her?"
EEEEEEEEEEK
"LOOK AT THIS PERSON. If he came up to you with his death breath and asked you for directions to the nearest Arby's you would run screaming to the nearest drug dealer because it would feel safer! See? My sleeve condom is MUY INTELIGENTE."
Beardy McTrim
"And then we had to watch some thing of this crazy boy maybe shaving his beard? Except then he didn't, he just trimmed it? I don't know, lovers. They have to show SOMETHING while I am in the bathroom, eh? It was more pointless than The Town, I mean, who cares about a town? I want a city, lovers. Boring Buttfleck strikes again."
ME AGAIN WHEEEE
"And on the second night, lovers, I got stuck carrying around my drunk old Girl Scout leader. Awkward! HAHA! But Randy's shirt told me to CARE, so I do. Although, lovers, for a second I thought it said CORE and that made more sense because I LOVE Pilates."
Who?
"And then this person showed up to sing to me? It was a song about food -- Green Eggs and Cornbread or something. I do not know why she didn't just sing about cannoli, since she was wearing one on her head."
Cannoli Head
"Too bad for Cannoli Head that she was wearing the worst dress ever! Amigos, sometimes I wonder why all these sad people come on looking so much worse than I do. And then I remember: It would be rude to upstage the guest of honor, and they are here for ME, and so they get to suck it and I get free bendy straws."
Cannoli Head
"Ryan told me her name was Fantasy Barrio, or something. Lovers, in my fantasy barrio, hair looks like souffle. Es la verdad."
Stupid Blah
"And as if Fantasy Barrio wasn't enough -- and it WAS, lovers, it WAS, oy so boring -- then these two stupidbrains came out to sing some song about the samba. Do you see my face? ACTING. Again! I seem so impressed but really I am wondering why William and this Foxy person get paid to sound like they sing through an answering machine. I MEAN REALLY. WHO DOES THAT. THIS SHOW IS ABOUT NATURAL TALENT, LOVERS. IT IS ABOUT MEEEE. Buy my song! It's called... something-something. Whatever. Buy one of my songs. I have several.
"And then, lovers, it happened again. MAGIC."
My Soulmate
"This tiny little punk boy had to talk about something that I hate, and so what did he do? HE MADE THE FACE AGAIN. And what is he talking about? I will give you tres guesses, lovers, but you will only need uno."
Ay, but lovers, I just found out apparently Mr. James Soulmate has Tourette's, hence his occasional facial tics. It's true. No joke. I am very proud of him in my enormous heart for speaking out, and also, I want to clap for him for having a version of Tourette's that is REALLY SMART, because three times now it has chosen to manifest itself in the face of THIS:
RUN EVERYBODY
"HE KEEPS COMING BACK. HE IS LIKE EYE HERPES."
<i>Que Bonita!</i>
"Lovers, for this I cannot act. WHY IS HE ALWAYS HERE? Someone will pay. Unless they actually ARE paying. If so, I will just rob Marc later and then maybe lock him in a closet and then me and my new soulmate can change his birth certificate so it says he's thirty and then we can get married and my name can be Jennifer Lopez Noa NOT AFFLECK Judd Anthony Soulmate. Perfecto! Hasta next time!"