HOLAAAAAAAA
"We begin, lovers, with me. HAHAHA! What else is new?!? But for a show called Meeeee, all about me, it makes sense, no? Today, amigos, we have to go back to school, to teach these little singers how to be more fantastico. And so I wore a little schoolyperson skirt and a shirt like a leotard of love sparkles. Is it a bit much? Yes, lovers. Si. SUPER si. But LOOK WHAT I HAVE TO SIT NEXT TO. I think my Marc dug him up an hour ago! I have to do SOMETHING and this shirt is not enough, lovers. There is a phase two. ENTER PART DOS."
Serious Makeup
"See? MAKEUP. Today's theme is yogurt, as in, it looks like I face-planted in some. Which, shhh, I did. I was up all night trying to rub my arms in garlic and so I passed out in my breakfast. But this is also brilliant, lovers! Because yogurt is sweet but also good for you, just like me! And it's so colorful that if you spill it on the rug and can't get the stain out you won't be too mad -- ALSO like me! At least, that's what Marc says every time my IV springs a leak! HAHA. He is so smart. (Pssst, lovers, I'm just saying that because he's here. AY DIOS MIO GO HOME.)
But let's not talk about me for one second. Instead let's talk about how I felt about this..."
Whaaaat?
"What is Spiderman's little girlfriend doing here?!? And who does she think she is, wearing a shirt that is better than mine! Also, where are her hair extensions? Where is her yogurt face? Lovers, am I missing something? Why does this famous Fred Dunst person look so NORMAL? Why is she not drinking yak's blood milkshakes and putting gardenias in the toilet?!? IS SHE A FAKE?"
PANTS
"But lovers, this is the moment where this week's episode became good. Because this is the part where Naima Whatsherthingy decided to suck up to me. Ay, lovers, the pants! The top! She is copying me! She wants to be me! I do not blame her! I also want to be me, and I AM me!"
El Pantalones!
"Lookit, lovers, they are ruched! And bloaty! And there is enough fabric there to make three other pairs of pants!"
PANTALONES OF YES
"And she can kick the pants like I do! The weather is partly loca with a chance of si! It is the sincerest form of flattery! But it is also the sincerest form of lawsuit, so she had better be careful! Haha!"
Me again AND IT'S ABOUT TIME
"And so we go on to the second night, lovers! Un pequeno secret about my dress: These gold hoojamies were supposed to be my eyelashes, but I could not get the glue to work. Ten people will get fired for that. Good thing Sag Doll over there had the idea of making a bib out of them! He is not as stupid as his pants!"
But lovers, let us get serious. Muy serious. Because guess what happened NEXT."
AYYYYYYYY MIS OJOS
"I am so happy my Marc came to teach the kiddies how to use their earpiece whatsits! And then stayed to watch last night's show with them! And showed off his wedding ring to the cameras so that everyone knows he is married to ME, and that he is the boss of ME, and that his lunch is the blood of ME! I am so lucky! (AYYYYYYYY MIS OJOS. Go home dead man!)"
AIIIII
"Then, lovers, something so magica happened. Do you see Skeletor there in the front? Lovers, he started YAPPING about how he didn't AGREE WITH ME and then he got all UPTIGHT and said, "That is all I will say about that," and WHAT, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM AND WHO YOU ARE NOT? No hemoglobin martini for you tonight, zombie! So anyway, lovers, do you now see my new soulmate, the boy in the middle? Do you see his facial expression as my Marc talks? Well, just WAIT."
HAHAHAHAH
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."
AND AGAIN
"MORE HAHAHAHAHHA! Lovers, that is the face I make EVERY SINGLE DAY I GET UP AND LOOK AT HIM. Cute Spiky Boy, you are in. I vote for YOU."
HMMPH
"I mean, WHO WEARS A SCARF INSIDE. IN LOS ANGELES. What is he trying to hide? Oh, wait, I remember, THE BENDY STRAW POKING OUT OF HIS OWN JUGULAR. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Also, es la verdad, lovers. I would not lie to you."
Ryan Deadcrest
"If they do not stop giving Marc a reason to be here I am going to tie Ryan to a train track and then order a train and make it carry my ENTIRE WARDROBE so that it will be so heavy, lovers! Do not poke the tiger, or you will get its caps lock!"
Wha?
"This non-me Jennifer person showed up to try and distract me from my rage, and I do not know much about her Sugar Band or whatever they are called but I do know that she is not the Easter Bunny's girlfriend and so why is she shopping at Perky McEyebleed's Blah-Blah Emporium? HAHAHA. I wrote that myself! Marc wanted me to say she looked like an O-negative daiquiri but that is stupid talk from a stupid man.
"But lovers, I sort of missed Sugar Thingy after the show kept going and this happened..."
Whoozit now?
"Two of the boys like the World Wrestling Whoozit, so they brought this man to the show. I wanted to pay him a hundred dollars to snap Marc into three pieces, but it seemed rude to do that on camera, and also, I do not carry cash because people just give me things."
Yooooooooooo
"Well, lovers, I was so confused. I do not know what a big hairy person in sunglasses has to do with me unless it is Bag Suckfleck. But my soulmate was very happy to see this person."
Soulmate
"Can we discuss? This person makes Me Face at Marc, and then old Meatslab walks out and my soulmate bows down to him! Oh, lovers, how I laughed! My Marc will be so offended! Ay, Marc, that is what you get for being cooked well-done! Which is so weird considering you like your meat still mooing! HAHAHAHA."
Another Jennifer NotLopez
"What? OTRA? ANOTHER ONE? DO THEY NOT KNOW I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE?"
ME REMEMBER ME I AM HERE
"Lovers, remind me to make a rule for every episode of this telenovela that nobody named Jennifer can come on who is not ME. ESPECIALLY if she wears the bling! I am going to fire her, lovers. She is OUT."
Crazybeard
"And then finally, lovers, it was the end, and Mr. Screamy from last week ended up in the bottom. But it was UNJUST, lovers. He was not nearly as terrible as some of the other little wannabe people! He only made my face hurt twice! And so we, the judges, decided to save him. We did not make him sing. We CUT HIM OFF during the song, lovers! And he almost passed out! It was my favorite part of the episode, except for the bit where the little old lady started beating the pool boy with a bottle of Malbec and then they ended up having sex and she got pregnant even though her uterus was in a jar somewhere! But they cut that out of the script."
Me, the Angel of Awesome
"But lovers, THIS is why I work on this show. Well, other than to wear a bunch of clothes, and be me, your bonita, cara, preciosa Jennifer! And to remind you to buy my single! But the big reason after all those reasons is so that I can change some child's life, and he can turn to me and say, "Jennifer, you are my savior," and I can say, "It's true, Hairy Creature, I have the golden touch and I will turn you into something precious," and he can say, "You are my reason to live," and I can say, "GET IN LINE," hahahaha. So next week, now that we have said this person, two people will go. Get ready, lovers. Mama will be wearing some VERY IMPORTANT mascara."