Two Ladies With Big Hair
"Ay, so we start with serious time. The time I clasp my hands together and say that the earthquake in Japan was TERRIBLE and that you should all text money to the Red Cross. Just to prove I meant it, I brought my pottery teacher. I cannot lie in front of someone who has seen me have a Ghost moment with a piece of clay and that 'Pearl Harbor Sucks' song from that puppet movie. That is soul truth, lovers."
HOLA
"BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO SHOW SOME THIGH, lovers! We cannot recover as a planet unless there is thigh. Rrowr."
Jumpsuit Girl
"This person, Pia Zadora or whatever, wore a white jumpsuit with ankle cuffs. Lovers, why do people always think I need to see a jumpsuit in order to love you? Except shhh, lovers, IT MIGHT BE TRUE. Especially when it makes people look pregnant! Because they will never look better than I do and therefore I WIN AGAIN I WIN I WIN."
Yeeeeesh
"I said something about her song but I don't know what it was. I was too busy teasing out my hair, lovers. It is so BIG tonight! I am a lion who cannot be tamed! A leopard who cannot be made yuck! A predator who eats her prey with a knife and fork, because seriously, lovers, es MUY messy to suck on somebody's spine. Just ask my husband. HAHAHA. No, really. He'll be here soon. SIGH."
Mini-Me
"And here is my K.Ro, mi preciosa Mini-Me, coming out again with a dress I would wear and hair from my dressing room and boots that might be mine MARC HAVE HER KILLED PLEASE NOW GRACIAS."
Me, Basking In The Glow Of Mini-Me
"I don't know what SHE sang EITHER, but I don't care, because she did it in Spanish, and my Marc, we sing in Spanish in the shower, and in the kitchen, and in the coffin, and in the meat locker... it is so especial, lovers. Like making sex with our voices, except it's mostly my voice because he is always using a straw to drink all that red wine on the floor."
AAAAH
"AND THEN THIS HAPPENED, LOVERS. This strange serial killer came out and sang something by some guy who was married to Courtney Love -- Smelly Teen Spirit? -- and he screamed, and I think he might be a terrorist? I don't know, lovers, but the way he SHOUTED and he GROWLED about stupid contagious things..."
Ayyyyyyyyyy
"I tried to say something nice, lovers, because I do not want to be stabbed unless it is Marc using a scalpel to get a midnight snack. But I think I need my Coke tested for anthrax."
MEEEE AGAIN!
"Ay, but Thursday was a new day, lovers! Drink in this frothy vanilla milkshake of SASS! And try not to look at Dude Looks Like Milady over there, because it only encourages him to keep coming back in bigger coats. And you can't wear coats bigger than I am."
"Lovers, let us get serious. Something un-fabuloso happened next."
Eek
"I SEE HIM ALL THE TIME AT HOME, LOVERS. I SEE HIM IN MY NIGHTMARES. I SEE HIM IN THE BATHROOM. I SEE HIM SHARPENING HIS FANGS. I SEE HIM FLOSSING HIS CHEEKBONES. DO I HAVE TO SEE HIM AT WORK TOO?"
Rage
"RYAN SEACREST I AM GOING TO CUT YOU."
Helmet Elvis
"Then something strange happened, lovers. Some band that has nothing to do with me at ALL came out to perform. And one of them was some man who looked like Elvis Knievel. He dedicated the performance to JAPAN, lovers. TO JAPAN. And I know what happened there is muy terrible, but I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE. They need your MONEY. They do not need your songs. I NEED YOUR SONGS. But, only if they are good songs, and this was not, so Japan can have it! But I hope they use the gift receipt to exchange it for a gift card.
"Lovers, it only got stranger from here."
Strange Person
"WHO IS THIS? Somebody said it is Fergie, but that cannot be. It does not look like Fergie. HOLY BLOATFLECK, Batman. Is somebody pregnant?"
Boobs
"HOLY BOOBSFLECK, BATMAN. IS SOMEBODY PREGNANT FOR REAL?"
Boobsy McFace
"Lovers, I do not know what is going on here, but I hope it is a little tiny bebe, because the only other time I saw someone start to look funny was when Buttfleck did it and WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT (except claro que si, I will totally talk about that if you spike my free Coke with some rum). It is not that she is bad, it is just that she does not look at all like herself, and if you all remember what my face did when I had twins, you will know why I am curioso! Maybe that is why she is here? To get pregnant face advice? Because why ELSE? This person has nothing to do with me. BORING."
Serious Eye Shadow
"And then, lovers, even though I have spent this whole time in VERY SERIOUS MAKEUP telling her she is fantastico, America voted out my mini-me, K.Ro. I was heartbroken but it was the right choice, because there is only one me, and it will be much easier to squash the winner of Me Me Me Me if the person does not actually make me want to adopt her. So thank you, America. Can you vote out Crazyface next? I do not want anyone eating my liver except my Marc! Gracias, lovers, see you la proxima vez!"