MEEEEEEEEEE!
"Lovers, it began with polka-dots. I looked so cute, it almost made me forget that Randy Jackson thought he was at a pep rally for the varsity slang team at M High School! Which only makes sense if the M stands for MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Some Girl Who Isn't Me
"So, some kiddie people sang things, and then we got to this person. She says her name is Karen Rodriguez, lovers, but I call her K.Ro, because she obviously needs to win Lopez Idol. Let us examine the evidence, yes? Uno, she has more diamonds than a deck of cards. Dos, she sometimes sings in the language of PASSION, mi espanol. Tres, she sang a song by Selena, and Lopez Nation all remembers who Selena is: That Girl Jennifer Played When She Took Movies By Storm. Look at K.Ro, bravely sucking up to me!"
The Real Selena
"And look at me, bravely questioning why she decided to sing something by a girl who everyone knows as me! Look how gently I wonder whether she slipped and hit her head on one of my platinum records! I am heroic!"
K.Ro
"Numero cuatro why K.Ro should win: She designed this sparkly jumpsuit herself as a tribute to tiny me, and also Helena, or Serena, or whatever that girl's name was who wished she was me! And she looked crazy, lovers. I appreciate a girl who does not have fear!"
Yo!
"But, she should have had fear. Because if you are going to sing something by Splenda, you have to sing it BETTER than I did, or would have, or else you are a sad clown. And K.Ro, I love you, you are so very talented, I think you're one of the best women in Lopez Idol, I cherish you, but that was sucky-sucky! Sad face! Confusion! My Marc told me through my earpiece that it made him want to dump his AB-negative down the sink!"
My Shaman!
"See? Even my shaman got very confused by your performance. You made a man of mysticism grope his own boob! Bad, K.Ro! I hope you do not go home before you sing 'Jenny From The Block'!"
Sleeve
"AND THEN, lovers, we get to the part of my show that I like to call, 'Get Off My Lawn,' where some tonto non-Jennifer gets sent home with a fun-pack of my videos and a note saying to quit now or forever hold the pieces of your shattered heart! For this, I brought out the big gun. And no, I do not mean Lorenzo Lamas over there in his robe-coat. I am talking about SLEEVE, which represents the cloud of hope these people are wishing on, and that they have their heads stuck up in, because they think they can be the next me. But there is already a me! Shhh, don't tell, but that is the secret of this show! In the end nobody can win! HAHAHA! But you didn't hear it from me, lovers!"
K.Ro
"Anyway, so little K.Ro Spleena did not have a good night: She made the bottom three, AND she had to wear two giant feather earrings. But you know who had it worse, lovers? ME, because Lorenzo Lamas smelled like incense and onion rings. And also, this other girl."
Birdface McWhat
"Lovers, I will be honest, I have no idea who this is. Apparently she is on my show? I said something nice about her voice but I made it up, amigos, because I am a PROFESSIONAL. I am more concerned with the fact that she is wearing a bird sanctuary."
Crazy Man
"I MEAN. Who do they think they are? Mummified Lorenzo Lamas over here? HAHAHAHAHA. These show stylists, lovers, I think they are licking the acid frog, if you know what I mean!"
Puff Daddy
"And then, lovers, the treat: My ex-boyfriend Puffy came out and serenaded me. My Marc, he was so furious, I think blood actually rushed to his face and he doesn't even have any! But ay, lovers, it was so sweet. I have no idea what Mr. Stay-Puff was saying -- I was busy drinking my delicious Coca-Cola treat! -- but it was something about him wanting to have my babies, and how they would look like him, and how could he deserve me, and how he wanted to apologize for that courtroom thingy..."
PastryHead
"And feed me eclairs..."
DID YOU EVER WRITE ME A SONG, DUMB ASSFLECK?
"...And then he promised that, in his heart, I will always be in a one-legged crotch sling, because I made him a better man and he will love me forever."
ME!
"'Ay, Lorenzo, have you ever seen a man declare his love in this way?' I asked. Lorenzo said something about an elevator and then started to sing and a hundred dogs ran up and tried to hump his shins."
The Prize
"Ay, but seriously, lovers, it was muy romantico, and I cannot blame Mr. Daddy Diddy Whatever for being obsessed with me because everybody else is! Except for me. I am too humble to be obsessed with me. It is not my fault this whole show is about being the next me. I am just here to have a very good time and drink this excellent Coke and pack my sleeve full of people's dying dreams! Les amo, lovers! Until next time!"