Jennifer Lopez

"Ay, here I am in my sequined skirt and my poofy Hawaiian wedding shirt! Wheeeee! That sea creature in the shot is Steven Tyler. We do not talk about him."

Jennifer Lopez

"See how brave I am? Sitting next to a person whose hair probably has lice that also has lice? Did somebody find him under their house? This shirt is perfect for looking so INNOCENT while I writhe with loathing! And this bun is perfect for opening doors, which is where I found it: I chipped it off the door to Marc's private wine chamber, although amigos, there was no wine in there, only test tubes. So strange!"

Jennifer Lopez

"Lovers, this is what you wear when you want to look PLAYFUL about how you think Steven Tyler woke up in a zoo cage. Do you want to know the fun secret about this outfit? It has pants that match this shirt! No, really! I tried not to show that to the TV audience but these FOX cameramen are so hilarious that they caught me two times walking to this table! But there is another, even bigger secret."

Jennifer Lopez

"This outfit is ALSO what you wear when you want to taunt Steven Tyler with your sexy fun time with a man whose sunken cheeks could take Steven's sunken cheeks out back and beat them into some kind of bone stew! Kiss kiss, hollow hubby! Tame my animal within that thought shopping at Chico's was a good idea!"

Jennifer Lopez

"Remember when Steven Tyler did that movie, Affleckgeddon, where Bloat Face went to drill in the moon blah blah blah weepy wussypants? Well, this is the same as when those astronaut drill men walked in slow-motion onto the shuttle thing. It is our HERO SHOT. And that is why I have on so many layers: Because I am as complex as Armafatfleck was. Did that make any sense? No? PERFECT. Then you must keep peeling my layers."

Jennifer Lopez

"But first I need a lunch break. Does anyone have some celery? Marc wants to make Bloody Marys with some PAs."

Jennifer Lopez

"But ay, lovers, sometimes the show, it is about singing. And about how I am a gift to all these aspiring people who are not as talented as I am. And so here, in this moment, I wrapped myself up like half a present. Why only half? Because I give..."

Jennifer Lopez

"... and I give..."

Jennifer Lopez

"... and I GIVE! But..."

Jennifer Lopez

"... ay, they do not get to keep me. I am a present for five minutes only. And sometimes less than that, because LOVERS, DIOS MIO, there are some people in America who sing without using computers! WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE CRAZY PEOPLE."

Jennifer Lopez

"And so I wore this shirt to remind them what music is all about: Clothes and me and beauty and machines that make stuff. I poured all that sentiment into this squiggly thingy on my chest. Marc thought this was Prince's old name and I had to tell him NO MARC, THAT IS A SYMBOL IN MUSIC, and it means PUSH THE GLAM BUTTON, ENGINEER MAN. I think. Whatever. It does not matter. Music is in my veins, but I do not have to know all its secrets! We are still getting to know each other, lovers. Like a blind date."

Jennifer Lopez

"Sometimes I need to look innocent. I am Jennifer Lopez, Angel of Music. You are attractive, and so you are not ready! You are unthreatening to me, and therefore I think you will win! Tra-la-la! But lovers, sometimes, somebody comes in who is beyond even my angelic golden touch of magic..."

Blue Man In Bodystocking

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"My headband and I are good actors -- that is why I brought this headband, in fact -- so my excellent poker face is hiding my COMPLETE FEAR."

I Hope It's Not Too Cold In There

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"I MEAN WHAT."

Do You Think He Lost A Bet?

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"Lovers, you clearly cannot tell AGAIN what is going through my mind, so let me share a special insight: If you gave me the choice between listening to this person sing through a very complicated condom, and flossing my teeth with Steven Tyler's hair, I would choose the second one."

I Wonder At What Point He Realized The Joke Was On Him

Jennifer Lopez

"MADRE DE DIOS GIVE ME STRENGTH, WHERE IS MY VAMPIRE IT NEEDS TO COME SNACK ON THIS CRAPMONKEY."

I Think... Right About Here.

Jennifer Lopez

"I blame Ryan Seacrest. Can somebody put it in my contract that I need many more millions and some M&Ms that have been laced with Xanax, and also a tiny pony? I think I need a tiny pony. And a nap. I am emotionally so tired, lovers. It is so hard to be the star. But please keep watching. Shhh, don't tell, but I think I might win this show!"

American Idol: The Story So Fug (And Fab)

"Hola, lovers! It's little meeeeeeeeee! You might have heard about my tiny show -- by which I mean the massive hit television phenomenon, American Idol, which is a telenovela about a brave and beautiful heroine forced to sit between a horndog and a horndawg and listen to music without her ears bleeding onto the table! Do you know how hard my job is, lovers? And do you know how hard it is to DRESS for this kind of job? No, of course you don't. When was the last time you were the star of your own telenovela? Hahaha! Just somebody let me know when I can win an Oscar for this! A wardrobe Oscar is the same thing as an acting one, no? Por mi, amigos, the clothes ARE my face. They are my emotion. And they are my other lover, the one I am cheating on you with, and the one who will get beaten in the face by the priest who is also an underwear model who tears off his robes and prays to my picture and then oils himself up and slaps himself in the head and cries! That, amigos, is a good telenovela. I will write that one next."