Freida Pinto
I want to like this Lanvin, but I hate how severe it is across the neck, and how it looks like her head is on backwards, and that a bird died on her collarbone. Perhaps she's in costume for an opera about The Raven, written by David Bowie and Jemaine and Bret of the Conchords.
Kirsten Dunst
There are some nice aspects to this Chanel Couture gown, but see-through overskirts will never be my thing. I wish it had been lined all the way down, instead of looking like she went to the Cannes equivalent of Linens N Things to find something that went over her PJ romper. I also wish she'd done looser hair, I think, instead of going back to what I always think of as The Milkmaid.
Naomi Campbell
Well... it's effective, I guess, if the effect one is looking for is, "I scalped Christina Aguilera."
Gwen Stefani
It may not surprise you that Gwen is wearing L.A.M.B., although it may surprise you that she has a L.A.M.B. design that is so straightforward. I suspect this is L.A.M.B. only in the sense that she decided to design her own thing and slap that label on it, rather than it being part of any particular line, since I don't notice L.A.M.B. dressing any other celebs in red-carpet formalwear.
It's hard to judge the gown because I just want to ask Gwen to stand up straight and give her lower back a rest.
Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale
Seriously, Gwen, you're not Paris Hilton. Do not take posing tips from a woman whose philosophy on entering rooms is, "Pelvis first."
Uma Thurman
This photo makes me giggle so hard, because Uma looks for all the world like she's futzing with a wedgie. The Chanel is nice, though. And have you noticed how often Uma wears thong sandals to things? I know she's tall, but she seems to abhor adding much height -- or toe coverage -- to the proceedings.
Kanye West, Carine Roitfeld
"HEY YO CARINE ROITFELD, EDITRIX OF NOTFELD, CRANKY-LOOKING 'BOTFELD, PREGNANT WITH MY TOTFELD, JUST KIDDING YOU'VE BEEN GOTFELD, I'M JUST TRYING TO STIR THE POTFELD, I'M NOT MESSING WITH HER SLOTFELD, LET'S JUST HAVE ANOTHER SHOTFELD BEFORE SHE SHOOTS ME IN THIS SUBPLOTFELD."
Janet Jackson
I wonder what Janet finds so HILARIOUS. Maybe she too is imagining Kanye knocking up Carine Roitfeld. Regardless, Janet looks like the proverbial million bucks in this.
Zhang Ziyi
Hey, welcome back! This is very stark compared to some of the very princessy gowns she was wearing back in the day. But who's going to be the one to tell her about the peacock droppings on her shoulder?
Goldie Hawn
Another day, another Goldie Hawn dust-ruffle. This thing is a distant cousin of a poncho. Goldie should do a clothing line. She could sell it in the bed AND beyond sections.
Fergie, the Duchess, not the Pea
Pop quiz: Your kids just showed up at the royal wedding -- from which you were banished -- in hats that looked like cranial STDs. What ELSE are you going to wear but something basic?
Rosario Dawson
I can't escape the notion that Rosario is scratching herself.
Rosario Dawson
She looks pretty, though. The dress draping is interesting in the back. We're still on good terms.
Milla Jovovich
Ooh, very sexy, Milla. Versace did you right.
Bar Refaeli
So, I guess Bar is single again. AGAIN. Think she and Leo will get back together again, again? Yawn. Wake me up when she and Blake Lively get into a catfight because of how Blake and Leo were cavorting on a boat, or whatever those pictures were.
Georgina Chapman
This is one of those gowns that, yes, shows off the amazing attention to detail and structural complexities that Marchesa has become known for, and yet it also exhibits the unflattering and overdesigned qualitites that Marchesa has also become known for -- like, if you're the DESIGNER and you can't even pick something that's flattering on you, then maybe you have a blind spot.
Elisabetta Canalis
So, this is still happening, too, I guess. Way to go, Canalis. Can you tell George he has a LOT of mail to open when he finally shows up for work? P.S. Try not to hold so much tension in your shoulders.
Clemence Poesy
This is also Chanel. It's nice. I don't have that much else to say -- kind of how I feel about Clemence Poesy in general.
Michelle Rodriguez
And so finally we get to M.Rod. I don't know what to make of this. On the one hand, it's an improvement. On the other, she looks kind of Barbie-fied, and/or as if she is pretending to be the ruler of some unknown principality whose chief exports are deltoids and sass.
M.Rod
And the back is a figure-skating routine in the making.
But it's EVER SO MUCH BETTER than what she wore earlier this week, which I couldn't NOT show you even though it has nothing to do with amfAR...
M.Rod
I call this dress, "Pirates of the Caribbean: At Wits' End."