Paris Hilton
"Seriously, this hair was, like, just totally a red herring. I WANTED you to think it was made of my dog's hair clippings! Because then you'd be BLOWN AWAY by, like, the actual dress, and then you would LOVE ME AGAIN PLEASE JESUS."
Paris Hilton
"I mean, right? This is actually kind of great! Suck it, Nicole! Eat it, Kardashian! Bite me, Lohan! I, like, WIN, and stuff! PEOPLE WILL LOVE ME."
Paris Hilton
"And you totally love this one, too, right? Even though my hair looks 95 percent fake? And it's kind of a crazy unflattering fabric and cut? And almost maybe like matronly, like I am some washed-up trophy wife who's about to get pushed off the shelf and onto my final resting place on the toilet? Right? You love me now anyway though right? You love me? PLEASE?"
Paris Hilton
"Because, like, I love you! See, this is some random kid. I love him. He loves me. I don't even look creepy posing with him. And he totally doesn't even want Nicky's photo. He just wants mine. Children love Paris! You can too! And not even in the orgy kind of way like I used to want you to think! It's safe for you to love me!"
Paris Hilton
"Especially because, in this picture, I am not the worst-dressed Hilton! You are not in danger of seeing my boobs if we keep standing like this! I'm like totally young and innocent and like fresh and stuff! It's, like, clinically insane not to love me! SO LOVE ME AGAIN!"
Paris Hilton
"Please? I'll be your best friend... Of course, look what happened to with LAST best friend, ahem Nicole, and Kard-ass-ian, and whoever else I've ever talked to. But that won't happen this time! You! Me! Love! Let's get pedicures and talk about, like, Greek shipping heirs! I'll pick you up in the morning -- let's say, like, noon-thirty? Wicked! I'll bring coffee! Kisses! AND LOVE!"