Beyonce on TRL, c. 2001
Among the innumerable horrors of this photo is that HER BELT DOESN'T EVEN SPELL 'BOOTYLICIOUS' CORRECTLY.
Destiny's Child on TRL, c. 2001
If you told me Destiny's Child had once hosted a competition to be the next Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, this photo would sell me on it.
Beyonce Knowles, c. 2001
This is a reminder that -- as much as we hated Bangs this winter -- Beyonce's hair instincts OFTEN have not served her well.
Beyonce and Destiny's Child at the Grammys in 2002
In my fantasy, Jay Z had all these Destiny's Child pictures turned into coasters one year as a holiday present, and he uses them whenever they're fighting.
Beyonce and Destiny's Child at the Grammys in 2002
Tina Knowles has a LOT to answer for in life, I think. This was from her era, and... yeah.
Beyonce at TRL c. 2002
Here she was promoting the Austin Powers movie she was in, and although I am somewhat enraptured with her voluminous curly hair, that dress is some serious D-grade celebrity sadsackery.
Beyonce on The Tonight Show, c. 2002
The UNDERBOOB. Present-day Beyonce probably really, really hates it when these photos reappear anywhere.
Beyonce at the Goldmember premiere, 2002
This is basically very fancy lingerie, right? It's 70 percent more reasonable than most, but it loses me the further down we go. It'd be a scrolldown if we were scrolling.
Beyonce at the 2003 Golden Globes
You are kidding. I seriously think I saw this in the window of an extremely mid-range bridal shop.
MTV Movie Awards 2003
This dress is coming back around -- Liberty Ross JUST wore something fairly similar. Of course, it's not great in the Vacation-immortalized Metallic Pee hue, and also... sometimes what goes around should just stay over there.
Beyonce on TRL, c. 2003
Fashion chicken pox.
Beyonce Knowles at the 2004 Grammys
This is so deliciously tacky. She looks like a crazy old broad here, and later, she scraped her hair up into a huge sleek tight undo and it made the whole thing SCREAM Miss Universe. WHAT WAS SHE EVEN DOING.
Beyonce at the VMAs in 2003
Wow, that is one formal gynecologist she has.
Beyonce c. fall 2003
This is from back when we were less inured to jumpsuits, although even with the callus I've built up to them, this is still horrifying.
Beyonce, VH-1's Big in 2003 Awards
"I am NEVER using a discount unlicensed fairy godmother EVER AGAIN."
Beyonce c. November 2003
I couldn't resist sharing this one stage look, which is SO present-day Rita Ora to me -- and no, that's not a good thing, Bey. You may have done it first, but there is NO doing it best.
Beyonce, 2003 Billboard Music Awards
There is actually some gorgeous work in this dress that it looks like someone fell asleep before finishing.
Beyonce at 2004 VMAs
We recently revisited this in a slideshow looking back at that year's VMAs, and although that was a much more hideous time -- or at least less Styled -- this still stood out as notably awful. ASTONISHINGLY unflattering, and her head looks like she lives in Knots Landing of 1987.
Beyonce at 2005 Grammys
This is actually pretty decent! Who knew there would be one in the middle of this that I don't hate?
Beyonce at the 2005 Oscars
This was from the year Beyonce sang all the nominated songs at the Oscars, and she really went so subtle and understated with her jewelry. (Actually, I guess if you're going to do it, that's the time.)
Beyonce at 2006 Grammys
That's a pretty idea, but at the time I remember thinking it was mashing her bust a little bit too much. I stand by that. However, when you see it in a big ol' string of her older fashion disasters, it feels like a refreshing drink.
Beyonce, c. summer 2006
I MEAN. It's just so heartbreaking when the mall security guard's dog mistakes your clothes for its lunch.
Beyonce at 2006 VMAs
Very art-deco demi-Gatsby. But not in a very flattering way.
Beyonce, AMAs November 2006
This is a little cheesy, sheen-wise, but by and large it feels like we're starting to see when she grew out of Just Plain Hideous and started trying stuff.
Beyonce at 2006 AMAs
Unfortunately, some of what she tried was a minidress that, when she sat, rode up so high that her seat might as well have been a toilet.
Beyonce on Oprah in Nov 2006
Why did she go on Oprah looking like a cigarette girl? Even Jamie Foxx is like, "WHAAAAT?"
Beyonce at "Dreamgirls" premiere
I don't like any of this, really, but I am still as blown away as ever by the fact that the top is really more like a Boob Platter than a bodice.
Beyonce at Dreamgirls premiere
And it doesn't even look GOOD on her boobs! LOOK how hard she has been glued into this thing. How she allowed that to happen at her biggest career moment to date -- her first major movie in which she was ostensibly the lead; she had Oscar hopes -- is beyond me.
That is also some intense matching eyeshadow.
Beyonce at 2007 Golden Globes
AND, suddenly La Knowles is getting serious. She WANTED the HELL out of this. Sorry, Bey. But in a sense, "Beyonce" is the best and most demanding acting job she could ever ask for anyway.
Beyonce at 2007 Grammys
I really love Beyonce with the darker hair. I do NOT love Beyonce dressed like she's in a really stuffy wedding.
Beyonce at Oscars in 2007
This, now AND then, feels like a chip off the block of Kate Winslet's famed red Ben de Lisi from the 2002 Oscars (I am like the only person in the world who thought that dress was meh). This is not an improvement upon it; the cut isn't doing great things for her, and the color is a miss for me. But her HEAD is FABULOUS. I really, really do prefer her with that hair color. I think it lets her features sing more.
Beyonce in 2007
This is sort of silly but I think it's amazing on her.
Beyonce at AMAs in November 2007
Well, she doesn't NAB, that's for sure, but she DOES NAD (need another dress).
Beyonce, August 2007
This. Looks. Awful. Sparkly is not ALWAYS a fail-safe, milady.
Beyonce in December 2007
Can she even move her legs in this? Are her knees going to create enough friction to light it on fire?
Beyonce and Solange at 2008 Grammys
Hi, Solange! You look like you're growing into your Solangitude. Beyonce, however, looks like her dress washed ashore on the beach and still has some of the wet sand caked onto it.
Beyonce in December 2008
Is this a Swiss Army Belt for fashion emergencies?
Beyonce at 2009 Golden Globes
Another dress that seems ill-prepared for her cup size. Beyonce also really loves to wear stuff that puts horizontal detailing RIGHT across the widest part of her hips (not that her hips are wide in and of themselves; you feel me). It's not a trick that works for most people, and in fact it also rarely does her any favors, although this is one of its better iterations.
Beyonce at the 2009 Oscars
Man, if only Miss Muffet hadn't thought she needed to bring along her tuffet.
Beyonce in April 2009
Of COURSE she tried out a mullet dress.
Beyonce in July 2009
That's one of Blanche Devereaux's favorite blouses, right?
Beyonce at 2009 VMAs
This dress makes complete sense if you're pretty sure you're going to get pregnant on the spot and experience the entire nine-month human gestation period in two hours.
Beyonce at the MTV EMAs in Nov 2009
Hmm. The top half is okay? The bottom might be vellum.
Beyonce at 2010 Grammys
I wonder if this looked better in person. For something so snug, it's awfully matronly in photos. The details don't really jump out the way they should have.
Beyonce at the 2011 Met Gala
I can't tell if Jay Z is side-eyeing how he looks with hair, or Beyonce's dress, but both would have been valid recipients of skepticism.
Beyonce at the Met Gala in 2011
This is one of my favorite pictures of the whole event, though: TWO people having to help her just with getting up the stairs.
Beyonce at 2011 VMAs
This is from the VMAs where Beyonce showed up and told MTV she was pregnant on the red carpet... but they weren't televising that part of it, in favor of some other dumbass thing. And then she revealed her bump after she sang and Kanye went apeshit with glee all over Jay Z. Good times. Anyway, this is marvelous on her -- totally unexpected, totally regal, an amazing color. Well played, Bey. I find the two of them grating in the extreme, and that was STILL one of my favorite pop culture moments, possibly because it's one of the ones I happened to see as it unfolded (like when Jason Sehorn proposed to Angie Harmon on Jay Leno; I was so sad when they broke up because I felt like I had been there with them from the start).
Beyonce at the 2012 Met Gala
I really hate this dress. The train looks like a last-second attempt to make it LESS boringly been-there, done-that, rather than a cohesive part of the design. I hate that you can see her taupe body tube. I hate that it's even necessary I just really... really could not get on board with this.
Beyonce at 2013 Grammys
This was an awesome amount of confidence from Beyonce -- as jumpsuits go, I actually quite like it on her, and she's selling it with this hugely self-assured air of, "Yeah, AND??? I THOUGHT SO."
Beyonce at 2013 Met Gala
And THIS was from the same Met Gala where Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy upholstered Kim Kardashian. Bey often wears Givenchy to the Met, and it's never a good idea. She looks HORRIBLE in this. I think he must've been having a real Katniss Everdeen moment.
Beyonce in December 2013
This was our holiday present from Bey a year ago. It's more Ciara than Beyonce, but I guess she was really understandably proud of those inner thigh muscles. Still, we all pretty much returned this to sender.
Beyonce at the 2014 Grammys
And then this. Snore. Up close, it was really cheap-looking illusion netting and you could see the smoke and mirrors.
Beyonce at the Met Gala in 2014
And HERE, you could see her under-buttock.
Beyonce at the 2014 VMAs
I still don't love transparencies, but of all of them, this actually works fairly well on her.
Beyonce in THE BANGS
AND THEN THE GREAT BANG CONTROVERSY OF 2014. I am so glad this was over quickly.
Beyonce in late 2014
The thing about Beyonce is, she doesn't actually do as much red-carpet stuff -- or, hasn't lately -- and I know that's partly because of the big tour with Jay Z, but I think she also just doesn't NEED to so why bother. But that means when she does come out, we want her to bring bigger guns. Trot out the whole arsenal and really blow us away and remind us why so many people think she is BEYONCE rather than a mere mortal with only one capital letter. This... did not do that. This is mundane and sad and Whatever, even for a luncheon. Hopefully her 2015 reinvention will be a taste-level revolution.