Justin Bieber

One of these days, I will get over my inability to take him seriously. I know it's crotchety of me, and I apologize. Never has anyone embodied the chasm between my age and the age of The Kids than Justin Bieber. I don't have anything against him; I just... it's like trying to explain how to use a BlackBerry to someone who just woke up out of a 30-year coma.

Justin Bieber

Pants what?

Seriously, whose groin does he think he HAS?

Justin Bieber

Aw, shit. It's time to get real. I hear he's the Channing Tatum of his spaceship.

Bieberly Biebered: Bieber

No matter what Justin Bieber puts on, he always looks like a 14-year old playing dress-up. It's like sorcery. Ill-advised sorcery. [Photos: Getty]