Cardi B in Mugler
This is archival, from 1995 -- which, is that not old enough to be vintage, at this point? Honest question. It's 24 years old. Anyway, she looks like she's bursting out of a clam shell in an old Hollywood musical. Twelve dudes in top hats and canes are about to kick-line their way over to her.
Is anyone up for a live-action prequel called The Little Sea Witch?
Janelle Monae in John Paul Gaultier
The runway version of this was longer and she was right to take it up. It already is starting to evoke rumpled, used Kleenex, an effect that increases logically when there is MORE of it to behold. The hat and the cut of the top are super cool on her, at least.
Kylie Jenner in Balmain
She looks traumatized by this, and I can't say I blame her. This presents a whole other problem with navigating the bathroom. Unless she can unhook her sleeves over her neck, she might actually strangle herself when she attempts to use toilet paper.
with Travis Scott
Also, as of this writing, in every photo with her boyfriend she looked like she was suspicious or irritated or both -- which I SUSPECT is simply her trying to Maintain Major Face and failing (in part because she is not a model and thus doesn't have a Major Face to deploy).
Katy Perry in Balmain
In the absence of a hoik, this might have needed a necklace. Katy was performing but not nominated, so this feels chosen for maximum exposure, given how bonkers that skirt is. Check it out from the side angle...
That's Dua Lipa and we'll get to her later. You can see Katy over there in this balloon of a gown, which I called Seussian for Cosmo and I stand by that. It's flufftastic, floofnoodle, plazblonkus, spronghoofle.
Tayla Parx
I encourage you to look at this 25-year old's Wikipedia page, because she's been a songwriter for Janelle Monae and Ariana Grande and Panic! At The Disco and... well, her credits are long, AND she's a voice on a Walking Dead video game?!? Good for her. Also I want to touch that outfit. It looks like it was made from hundreds of people tying knots with wishes written inside, and then gluing them to muslin.
Bebe Rexha in Monsoori
How many women have to call out fashion designers before they stop acting like women who aren't sample sizes are poison? Bebe Rexha had that problem -- no one would dress her, and she said so, and she ended up with this. It's huge and dramatic and one of the best things she's ever worn. Redden up that lip, girl, but otherwise this is a home run for me. And seriously, HOW HARD WOULD THIS HAVE BEEN, Fashion Industry, you sizeist assholes?
Jada Pinkett Smith
This gown would have been so much more impactful if it didn't look like her crotch had molted early.
Aida Cuevas
I love this joyful celebration of her heritage.
Lauren Daigle
I thought that was see-through for a LONG moment, but a closer look shows she's wearing a slip underneath. However, now all i can see is the giant wang-shaped probe pointing straight up through her groin. (Also, whenever I hear her song, "You Say" I think, I think it's Adele. There are definitely worse people to sound like.)
Saint Heart
I know nothing about her, but that butterfly print is STUNNING, and also I keep thinking the dress underneath has bones printed on it.
Ashanti
And HERE, I kept thinking she had a tiny Grammy drawn on her arm. (It's the backdrop showing through from behind her.) I love that we have a lot of sassy short cuts now instead of miles of hair extensions; it's fun. I also hope she taped her dress in place.
Ella Mai
How exciting to get a gigantic dress, thinking that might be what makes your first Grammys memorable, and then to WIN a Grammy.
St. Vincent in Giambattista Valli
I have never said this before, but I MIGHT wish she had on a plainer black jumpsuit underneath that cape, so that it stood gloriously on its own. The romper is so silly, even if it is her aesthetic.
Heidi Klum in Stephane Rolland
She looks like an angel with one broken wing.
Maren Morris in Galia Lahav
Well, this is definitely an improvement. The neon yellow shoulder flower is Extra, but...
... I appreciate the way she tied it in with the shoes. The fact that we can see those is the only good thing about the sheers here. Otherwise they're just another siiiiigh.
Tierra Whack
Her Wiki page is a trove, also. She named her cat after a brand of water at Whole Foods and she's allergic to insects, which... must be IMPOSSIBLE and also is going to be my new excuse never to go camping. (My old excuse was: I hate camping.)(That one is still pretty solid though.) Tierra was a nominee for a video of hers, and she did NOT hold back. Again, I wish she'd worn something simpler under the coat, and also not the shoes, which look like... boots made of nylons?
with Offset
Cardi B would like to take another bow. This feels like an apt finish...
Bebe Rexha
... but honestly, this is probably what I would have wanted to do after ten minutes in heels. My feet are not what they used to be. ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN, YOUNG ONES.