Jennifer Lopez

"Lovers, I do not sleep. I lie awake at night wondering why Batfleck and his gardener got superhero movies and nobody has made one of ME. You could call it Super Lopez, or Iron Lopez, or The Leotard, or Hotpants Divine, or Daredevil, because no one remembers that worthless piece of movie ever happened! Hollywood disappoints me, lovers."

Jennifer Lopez

"HOLA ONCE MORE, LOVERS. You did not think I would leave you without wearing a catsuit?!? I am the night sky, and you get out your telescopes and marvel at my beauty and reach out but NEVER TOUCH because it is too far out of your league."

Jennifer Lopez

"Sometimes you have tantrums, lovers. Sometimes the tinsel cannon gets stuck in rehearsal and you get so ANGRY and you say LOOK WHAT IS THE POINT I PAY YOU PEOPLE FIFTEEN DOLLARS AND YOU CANNOT EVEN GET THIS RIGHT I MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOOT MYSELF WITH IT THEN and then the universe decides to test you, lovers, and you decide to make the show go on with itself or whatever."

Jennifer Lopez, Pitbull

"I know you are seeing this, lovers. I am seeing it. But I know what I am doing. Do not even think twice about it, lovers. La Lopez has thunder that pipsqueak could not steal with a forklift, much less her puny little sad hands poking out of that pirate shirt. Also, just in case, she will be bald by morning. Because I am thorough, lovers, and my work ethic does not stop."

Billboard Music Awards Divaly Played: Jennifer Lopez in Donna Karan

"HOLA LOVERS. Remember, I am the wind beneath your wings. And you are the wind beneath mine. Except replace 'you' with 'the natural zephyr of superb holiness in the Divine Church of LOPEZ.' And then you. Except replace 'you' with 'the dance.' And THEN you, maybe. It always comes back to my lovers. Eventually. Even if it gets lost in the field of dreams. What are we talking about? Oh yes: LEGS. I have some." [Photos: Getty]