Beyonce

This is fairly standard -- something along the lines of, "So long, Solange, I knowles you don't think you can compete with this."

Beyonce

"And, look, I can make a phone, and a dog, and a bunny, and if I use both hands I can make Jay-Z before he's had his coffee."

Beyonce

"Wait, how does my butt look when I do this... YEAH, that's right, drink in my ass-cobwebs, America. It's like I've been sitting on Clive Davis up in here!"

Beyonce

"Did I leave the iron on?"

Beyonce

"And then I took all the warmth and love and goodness of the world, and I put it into a sphere of light, and then I batted this mystical orb into the crowd so they could play volleyball and some douchelord security guard popped it and so basically we're screwed now because Ke$ha is going to come murder us in our sleep."

Beyonce

"Tee hee, look at me, I'm Ke$ha! Tik tok, mo'fos, because as soon as I scrape that family of mice out of my hair, I'm coming to serial-kill your sorry asses!"

Beyonce

"Serial killing sounds so NASTY though. And so GOOEY. That Macbeth chick taught me that blood NEVER comes off your hands."

Beyonce

"Like, I can't even get that Purell shit off my hands! I cannot be dealing with viscera, y'all."

Beyonce

"Wait. You're telling me they could SEE ME this ENTIRE TIME?"

Beyonce

"Give me the biggest damn drink you have back there."

Beyonce

"Yes, hi, it's me, Beyonce, sensible businesswoman and completely sane person. Sorry about that. I can't take Sasha Fierce ANYWHERE these days."

Billboard Music Awards Fug: Beyonce

So, yes: Beyonce did, in fact, perform wearing a visible nude thing, nude fishnets, some sort of brassiere, and Cleopatra's lingerie from when she and Marc Antony used to play war games in the boudoir (you know, Plunder the Pharaoh, and Pillage My Pelvic Village -- all the classics). Frankly, it wouldn't be Beyonce if she weren't storming back into the public eye wearing as little as possible, and yes, game, set, and match, Beyonce, your body is still kick-ass, even if you ARE wearing a loin-sling with the beard wisps of every member of ZZ Top. But haven't you always wondered what's really going through a performer's mind while wiggling around on-stage in a B-movie battle harness? I have, too. Fortunately, after the Rapture, I became telepathic.