Justin Bieber
"Hey, yo, Selena. So like, my mom totally asked me why you didn't pick me up tonight. And I was all, MAN, and she was all, SIGH, and I was all, WOMEN, and she was all, FOOL, and I was all, CAN I GET A RIDE, and she was all, YOU BEST APOLOGIZE, and so we totally hugged it out and then she told me I was handsomer than Prince Charming because he wore dumb shoes and I'm in full-on STUD KICKS, girl."
Selena Gomez
"Hi, Justin. Fancy meeting you here. I really had no idea you were coming. I have been too busy buffing my hipbone to a shine and applying anti-chafing ointment. So nice that you're here. If only you didn't look like someone's little brother crashing the Prom, maybe I would let you be seen with me."
The Biebs and RiRi
"Oh yeah, girl? Well I don't need you. I bagged me a fine filly right here, and her name is RiWANNA, as in, she totally WANNA my fine-ass male form. I mean, how do you think I got these finger bandages, RROWR, am I right my little tomcat? Girl, step off for a second, the Biebs has to breathe. Mom told me not to wrinkle this suit or else she'd dock me the dry-cleaning bill out of my allowance and I can't wash any more of her pots because it TOTALLY gives me dishpan hands."
Selena Gomez and Nicole Kidman
"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I wasn't listening. I was being given a motherly squeeze by an Oscar-winning actress who understands that true love doesn't come in the form of some pipsqueak with overexcited hair. TRUST ME SHE KNOWS."
The Biebs and Snoop
"I was SAYING, check out me and the Snoop Dizzy, girlfriend. We are totally homedudes, and we're going to go smoke a bund and sip on some ginning juice, which I hope tastes like apple and comes in a box with a bendy-straw because that's my favorite! It tastes like I feel when I hug my mother."
Selena Gomez and Rico Rodriguez
"Justin, I've grown weary of you. I don't need you anymore. If I want to date a younger man I have PLENTY of options, you hear me?"
Biebs and "Elvis"
"Oh YEAH? Well who's got the hunka-hunka-burnin' love NOW?"
Selena Gomez
"HOW DARE YOU infiltrate the Modern Family cast! You know I won them in the breakup! God, though, I probably need to run my fingers through your bangs and then kiss you perfunctorily on the lips if you win an award tonight. There are still really powerful sexual sparks between us, although that might be because I keep dumping water on my iPhone and it's stored in my panties."
Justin Bieber
"I KNEW IT. Bieber 1, Ladyfriend 0. With my natural charisma, and a macho man-ring like this one here that Mommy bought me at Express, the vagina'd folk do not stand a CHANCE. Line forms to the left, chicas, but I warn you: If you use scented soap DO NOT BOTHER because my mom is totally allergic and that will make it really awkward when she brings us Totino's Pizza Rolls on our playdate."