Billboards: Show

Madonna

Well, we knew Madonna was going through an eyepatch phase. Her new album is called Madame X, I think, and if it's not pirate-themed, then I will have to cry uncle on this ensemble. Surely it cannot be good for her vision to wear an eyepatch for very long. Won't her other eye overcompensate? AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT MADONNA'S VISION TEST SCORES?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock (10225918bc) Maluma, Madonna. Maluma, left, kisses Madonna as they perform "Medellin" at the Billboard Music Awards, at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas 2019 Billboard Music Awards - Show, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

This dude is going to be a household name overnight.

Taylor Swift and Brendon Urie

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Chris Pizzello/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock (10225920b) Brendon Urie, Taylor Swift. Brendon Urie, left, and Taylor Swift perform "Me!" at the Billboard Music Awards, at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas 2019 Billboard Music Awards - Show, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

This performance was shades of their "Me" video -- literally, also, as both were very pastel.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Rob Latour/REX/Shutterstock (10222625a) Taylor Swift Billboard Music Awards, Show, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

She looks cute. Somehow that feels very Carrie Underwood to me. It's worth noting that she is getting some pushback for this performance being too similar to Beyonce's Coachella one, in terms of her use of a drum line.

Mariah Carey

Mariah won the Icon Award, dressed exactly as you would imagine Mariah might be dressed.

Lauren Daigle

That is quite an armload of awards for Lauren. She may wish she hadn't stopped at making a jumpsuit out of her bedsheets; the pillowcase would've come in very handy here.

Juice WRLD

He won Top New Artist, and I assume ... he stayed 3/4 dressed.

The Jonai

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Rob Latour/REX/Shutterstock (10222625bw) Nick Jonas, Joe Jonas and Kevin Jonas, Jonas Brothers Billboard Music Awards, Show, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

Is that Las Vegas on Joe's jacket? Because they are IN Las Vegas, which would be very apt. And Nick's coat is too big. You guys.... does Kevin Jonas look the best here?!?

Kelly Clarkson

This is Kelly's medley outfit. It's not my favorite.

Kelly here was performing her single off the UglyDolls soundtrack, in another of the series of dresses we've seen with old-timey sleeves. I am not as enthusiastic about this one; it feels like a dated take on a dated trend, rather than a modern take.

Kelly Clarkson

I like this WAY better. Her hair didn't seem to like being changed and teased out and such all night, which is fair -- I feel like they needed to keep it slicked back.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Rob Latour/REX/Shutterstock (10222625fc) Kelly Clarkson Billboard Music Awards, Show, MGM Grand Garden Arena, Las Vegas, USA - 01 May 2019

OH HEY LOOK they did. (It's messy as hell, but whatever, they tried.) Also, her arm capes are cool. I enjoy this Kelly Clarkson who is embracing drama.

Paula Abdul

Paula performed, too, which I think was an ad for her upcoming Vegas show. She is 56, and Madonna is 60, and three cheers for women their age having enduring careers and being cool with being carried around on-stage by a bunch of whippersnappers.

Ciara

Her pelvis is wearing its own vest.

Halsey

She looks like Evangeline Lilly here, to me.

Halsey

So, apparently she posted a pic on Instagram of cuts all down her back, claiming she'd gone climbing naked (?!?), and the knee injuries were from something EARLIER than that, maybe from practicing for a performance? I just... what is going on Halsey? Do you have enough Neosporin?

Cardi B

Oh crotch slit, you are incorrigible.

Cardi B

I'm assuming this is also Moschino, because it reminds me of her red-carpet frock -- kind of like the Homecoming Princess version of the Queen Bee's ensemble.

Drake

Well THAT is subtle. Nothing makes me feel as behind-the-times as Drake. I can't get excited about his music AT ALL, and yet he wins all the things. I'll just wait for him to host SNL again so that I can feel With It.