Bon Jovi 1985

Jon Bon Jovi in Detroit, 1985

DETROIT - JUNE 22: Lead singer Jon Bon Jovi of American hard rock band Bon Jovi poses for a portrait before a concert at Hart Plaza, June 22, 1985, in Detroit, MI. (Photo by Ross Marino/Getty Images)

Do I even need to write any words here? WORDS. WRODS. He's spending all that time on his collar, but meanwhile his "sultry" face reads more like a pouty dudebro.

Jon Bon Jovi in Detroit, 1985

"We need more eye contact, Jon. Just really stare -- no, no, now you look startled. Think SEXY. Staring DEEP into my soul."

Jon Bon Jovi in Detroit, 1985

"Shit, now you look like you're fantasizing about eating my pancreas. Maybe we shouldn't do full-on to camera."

Jon Bon Jovi in Detroit, 1985

"That's right, baby. Are you cold? Are you too hot to handle? Are you hugging yourself while imagining it's your lady? SELL IT, JOHN FRANCES BONGIOVI JR."

Bon Jovi in Detroit, 1985

DETROIT - JUNE 1985: Lead guitarist Richie Sambora, lead vocalist and band namesake Jon Bon Jovi, and bassist Alec John Such, all with the rock band Bon Jovi, pose for a portrait on June 22, 1985, at Hart Plaza in Detroit, MI. (Photo by Ross Marino/Getty Images)

I will never, ever NOT laugh at this photo. Alec Such looks like their regular bandmate was indisposed and they sent a replacement who'd been working at the Stardust in Vegas.