October 2000
Magical. Cameron Diaz looks like she has borrowed somebody's Slutty Cameron Diaz Halloween costume (no, I am not calling HER slutty; just noting that come Halloween, 60 percent of costumes follow the "Slutty _______" naming convention); Drew Barrymore looks like she borrowed somebody's 'Wacko Drew Barrymore Gets Her Brains Sucked Out By A Sea Creature While Wearing One Of Dolly Parton's Old 9 To 5 Blouses And A Naval Officer's Purloined Pants' Halloween costume, and Lucy Liu looks... like she didn't get the memo that she was supposed to dress up as her own caricature.
October 2000
Oh, Lucy. You started off so well and now you are in a bandau bikini top and a see-through blouse THAT MATCHES THE KNEE SKIRTS THAT SOMEHOW LEECHED ONTO YOUR PANTS. Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz thoughtfully matched her chastity belt to her boots, and Drew Barrymore... appears to have forgotten how buttons work, or that they exist, or that she is not Courtney Love.
April 2003
Now we jump to the press for the sequel. This. Has. Everything. It's trend vomit. And in the case of Lucy's left shin, possibly Pepto vomit.
June 2003
Lucy is back to looking classy and simple, whereas Drew looks like she painted her eyes with pollen and has locked up her groin as some sort of punishment for the whole Tom Green affair -- forcing Cameron to compensate by unleashing her pelvic bone in a cropped blazer fit for a king, if that king were thirteen. Also, nice beret. Also, DREW. YOUR FACE. IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS.
June 2003
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED. You think the hits can't keep coming, but they CAN and they DO. Cameron has on tapered satin pants that TIE AT THE ANKLE and a jacket with a giant safety-pin on it, like some kind of Liz Hurley superfan. Lucy Liu decided to go as a fourteen-year old girl at her ballet studio's first formal. And Drew Barrymore will happily read your palm and dust off her crystal ball for you, but she only has ten minutes, because she's got to scoot over to Chico's before the sale ends.
June 2003
All of these people forgot something: shoes, a shirt, and to RSVP no to this event. I'll let you decide which is which.
June 2003
"Fool, please." "No, fool please to YOU." "Um, if anyone here should be fool-pleasing, it's ME." Again, you can decide which is which.
June 2003
I cannot put into words how much I dislike heeled thong shoes (ahem, Cameron). But compared to Drew's irrationally minty eyelids and Lucy's dress that has given up its fight entirely and just wants to fall off her body, the birthday girl looks quite good.
June 2003
"Um... you know what, I think you two have got this. I'm just going to skip over to Saks and cleanse my aura."
July 2003
EGADS. Lucy may need a night guard from all that tooth-gritting.
July 2003
PANTS WHAT. Seriously, NOBODY knew who to call in Madrid to hem a pant? Nobody had a glue gun? Drew apparently did hers with a chainsaw and she STILL didn't get it right.
July 2003
PANTS WHAT PART DEUX: THE PANTSENING.
July 2003
"Um, Cameron? THIS is why I wear pants. You look hot, but you're about to wink with your third eye."
July 2003
Well, Cameron won this last round. I'm not even sure Lucy Liu counts as dressed, and Drew... I cannot. I have never seen such protracted, consistent pantalunacy in all my life. Plus a cosmetics brain fog and some kind of Hat Blindness. Clearly a slideshow on HER has to be up next. And Liu, you might not be far behind. You may have taken the war here, but you definitely lost a few skirmishes.