Brooke Burke

This photo was taken in late December last year, and there is not a single living person who's been THAT happy to do "last-minute Christmas shopping." I will look NOTHING LIKE THIS today when I am frantically trying to get a parking spot at the damn mall.

I will, however, look exactly like this on Christmas Day, which is when this was taken. Point of order: It's not really that warm on the beaches in L.A. on Dec. 25.

Brooke Burke-Charvet Continues to Work on her Fittness app

This was "Brooke Burke continues to work on the production of her app," and she has a full video crew with her that was NOT the same people taking these photos, because her crew is IN some of these photos. So she just... invited a pap along. This has made financial sense for her, as several of these pics have turned up in Us Weekly when they want shots of someone's abs and don't care how old the photo is.

"La la la, just casually leaving a park in Beverly Hills, stopping to point my toes because my feet need stretching and totally not because there is a lens trained on me and the shoes were comped." 

This is labeled EXCLUSIVE, as many of them are, and it is Brooke going on a coffee run, coincidentally being caught by a photographer -- who, by the way, wondered in the caption whether the shirt was a message to David Charvet, as they had just announced their divorce at this point. Cue the "Stars: They're Just Like Us: They Use T-Shirt Messages" spread.

Sometimes, when a paparazzo is over, you just want to read a book.

Or you might once again want to continue working on your app. 

This is ALSO how I leave the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

However, I have never left The Grove this way.

That is a legitimately great dress she is using to leave a Vague Business Meeting Somewhere A Paparazzo Definitely Was Not Already Stationed.

"Ahhh, a break from shooting my Booty Burn video. I love to hold a drink with the label facing out and read a book that's turned away from my eyeline."

If you were wondering whether Brooke "enjoyed every last minute of her weekend in Malibu" at some point in July, the answer is yes. If I had her abs I would also enjoy being in Malibu.

This one at least calls it what it is: "Brooke Burke has a little fun using the sidewalk as her runway."

I did not count how many photos there were in this enormous set of "Brooke Burke and her Daughters Beat The Heat in Malibu," but I would guess at least 100, across about four different setups.

Likewise, there were PAGES UPON PAGES of these two filming, yes, a video for Brooke's app. (That's one of her daughters.)

"Just taking an unstaged break!!!!!!!"

I was delighted to learn this was "Brooke Burke at the Malibu Lumber Yard," until I Googled it and learned it's a shopping center. Still.

I do have to applaud her for always trying to do the authors of these books a solid by making sure everyone can see who they are. Or, you know, as best is possible. THAT is a considerate friend. She is spreading the marketing wealth. Sincerely. I hope she decides to read a book about an American woman who  marries a British prince.

Reader, I did laugh at her sweater.

THIS sweater is by Jenny McCarthy, so I grunted rudely at it.

Exclusive - Brooke Burke-Charvet Ready for the Holidays

How much do you want to bet those boxes are actually empty?

Brooke, you're missing one. Unless you gave it to the pap to hold. Bless your heart. There's something to be said for the constancy of your good cheer, and your constancy, period. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, you glittering land mermaid.

All Hail Brooke Burke, The High Priestess of Hustle

It's impressive.