Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston is gorgeous. Brad Pitt is gorgeous. This is the most physically compelling love triangle ever. Every option is good. These two did a great job smiling and hand-holding for the cameras but -- at least in our array of photos -- did not make much meaningful eye contact.

"Well, at least I had him for Peak Brad."

Angie

This, to me, is how I picture Angelina Jolie. Not her as she is currently, when I think her DNA has actually morphed into 23 percent Maleficent. Back in these days, Angelina had crazy amounts of magnetism and charisma, and could hold your gaze and the screen so adeptly. This suit doesn't even look quite right -- the blouse under it looks a tiny bit messy, or too-big maybe? -- but she still just looks so... GOOD. 

The blouse being unbuttoned just-so is insouciant.

FR: 57th Cannes International Film Festival: "Shrek 2" - Premiere

Yes, I downloaded a lot of pictures of Angelina. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a movie I deeply enjoy, because they are SO HOT together. I watch it and I'm like, "I mean, YEAH, of COURSE these two people had an affair. LOOK AT THEM. They are LEAKING SEX FUMES."

Yeah. Angelina had It. 

with Will Smith

She also did this insane promotional thing on the water with Will Smith and laughed the entire time, either because she was covering the fact that it was killing her inside, or because she genuinely enjoyed it. I don't feel like we see a lot of Happy Angelina these days. Maybe we need to get her and Will Smith out on anther floatie.

Diane Kruger

Diane's predilection for a statement dress was strong even in the early days. But the messy side pony is fighting it.

Daryl Hannah, Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman

"Uma. UMA. Uma, your underpants. You need to buy lower ones."

Daryl Hannah

That is a lot of pleating. It looks like a marble course.

Uma

I assume Uma had just fluffed her skirt in this photo? She looks slick.

Eva Herzigova

There is always one. Or, more like 15. But in this case, I kept it to one.

Natalia Vodianova

Okay, two. I kept it to two.

Padma Lakshmi and Salman Rushdie

This is a couple I ALWAYS forget about. Padma had not started Top Chef at this point. They were just two crazy kids in love, one of whom was about to slice through her satin dress.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn

Ah, the thong dresses. This neckline always ends up looking like a chokehold, and the dresses always sit lower than they ought to when they have to be shoved down by a neckpiece.

Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz, at this point, was already CAMERON DIAZ. This should not have happened. This feels like mall shopping gone wrong.

Julie Andrews

Whereas this is everything gone RIGHT.

Charlize

This ALSO should not have happened. It doesn't look appealingly slouchy; it looks like half her dress is melting.

Charlize was also wise to grow in her brows later. So many of us were right there with you, Charlize. Also, GREAT shoes.

Charlize

I just feel like... when it's cut THAT high, it shares DNA with a bathing suit.

Zhang Ziyi, Tony Leung, Gong Li, Takuya Kimura and Carina Lau

Gong Li and Carina Lau look AMAZING.

Alicia Keys

"Yes, of course I threw on the blazer because I don't like the dress. Why ELSE would it be here?"

Ashley Judd

Very glam.

Penelope Cruz

"OUI OUI MADAM."

Tilda Swinton and QT

SWINTON looks like she got cold and borrowed a jacket from a photographer. 

Natalie Imbruglia

Sure! Unlike her hit song, I am not torn.

Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas

I'm sort of sad these two didn't make it. Is that strange?

Brian Cox and Nicole Ansari-Cox

I did NOT know Brian liked to roll up to festivals in his kilt. Also, how was he not in a Harry Potter movie? I guess Brendan Gleeson beat him to Mad-Eye Moody.

Natalie Cole, Alanis, Sheryl Crow

Natalie's earrings are full-on light fixtures in their own right. Sheryl looks like she's growing a middle boob. And Alanis has finished her gown with a fishing net.

Gerard Butler

"Hello, ladies. Anyone need a saucy footman?"

Brad, Jen, and Angelina All Ended Up at Cannes In The Midst Of The Firestorm

This was 2004.