Cannes 2018: amfAR

Sara Sampaio

This is so beautiful. I am here for flaunting actual GARMENTS rather than sheer bits.

Hofit Golan

There was also a run on red dresses for this event. Presented in relative order of largest to smallest, we begin with this very lovely number...

Michelle Rodriguez

... to this extremely glamorous one on MichRod...

Elsa Hosk

... to Thigh Town...

Petra Nemcova

... to this hella lackluster version of Thigh Town, like, a semi-decrepit suburb...

Karolina Kurkova

... before bringing things up a few notches in a lovely jewel of a gown...

Toni Garrn

... and then we end in Crackpot City.

Nicole Scherzinger

It could have been so good until THE PANTY LINE. (Coming soon to a bookstore near you: Our horror novel, THE PANTY LINE.)

Alessandra Ambrosio

Well, there's a reason she's a model, that's for sure.

Milla Jovovich

That second leg ... thing... is terrible. It's a leg bracelet. It's a gold-plated hula hoop. And it is PROBLEMATIC, and clearly she can't sit without it digging into her, right?

Maria Borges

Lovely, were it not for... THE PANTY LINE.

Cindy Borges

Mandatory Credit: Photo by David Fisher/REX/Shutterstock (9677809hk) Cindy Bruna amfAR's 25th Cinema Against AIDS Gala, Arrivals, 71st Cannes Film Festival, France - 17 May 2018

If we HAVE to go high-low, I wish it could be more elegant. That's a straight mullet.

Nathalie Emmanuel

She is lovely, and that is underwhelming.

Heidi Klum

I was wondering when she would show up, and indeed, she arrived just in time with something partly sheer. Right on cue.

Winnie Harlow

This is AN EXPERIENCE

Ellie Goulding

She seriously looks like a Kardashian to me sometimes.

Anne Heche

And SHE is all, "Sharon Stone RSVP'd no? TAKE ME THERE POST-HASTE. I'VE NONSENSE TO PEDDLE."

Jason Derulo

He looks great, and also like he's going to do a card trick for you.

Lewis Hamilton

He's the maitre'd at a restaurant called Referees.

Ruby Rose

Much like an unsatisfying sandwich, I would keep the top and bottom and ditch the middle.

Lais Ribero

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Matt Baron/REX/Shutterstock (9677818q) Lais Ribeiro amfAR's 25th Cinema Against AIDS Gala, Arrivals, 71st Cannes Film Festival, France - 17 May 2018

That's a very Kate Hudson dress, to me.

Jacinda Barrett

She's headed to the royal wedding on Saturday, supposedly, because she's married to one of Meghan's co-stars (Gabriel Macht). I SUPPOSE she couldn't have saved this, but she does look stellar in it. I might've gone with a Markle-inspired soft bun.

Laura Harrier

That bodice does not look like it fits. All that gapping on the sides. I don't want to feel the cold sting of air right there.

Shanina Shaik

I LOVE this suit, and wish badly that I a) had occasion to pull it off, and and b) could pull it off, period.

Paris

Oh, girl. I'm not that interested in Paris or her fiance, but I DO treasure that she's making him stop posing in sunglasses to wrangle her train. Your naked dress is terrible -- Beyonce did it first; don't try to follow in those footsteps, girl -- but your bossiness is divine.