'Inside Llewyn Davis' Premiere

I actually don't hate this nearly as much as you think I do, although it's totally what would happen if Bjork cracked her head on the coffee table and woke up thinking she doing the sequel to Black Swan. And I also don't hate it as much as you think I do despite the fact that I have a bird phobia and she's basically WEARING ONE and honestly, I think this ought to be way, way grosser to me than it is but I'm mostly just grateful she didn't call Thomas Jane to find out where to get whimsical webbed-foot shoes.

Additionally, I can't believe I didn't make an "ugly duckling" joke in here somewhere. I AM going soft!

'Inside Llewyn Davis' Premiere

PROM 2013! The theme is: CANNES YOLO, and it's all about really grasping this Cannes by the balls and living it to the fullest, while knowing that eventually we're all going to end up frozen in carbonite after giving our girlfriends an extremely sexy but also kind of emotionally withholding good-bye.

The Dior Cruise Collection Show

TECHNICALLY, this happened in Monaco. I don't hate it, but there seems like too much field in play for daytime wrt her shoulders and chest, and I am not even a person who has a problem with a strapless day dress. The proportions just seem weirdo.

'Canal Plus TV' in Cannes

I wish this were shorter, but I also wish I owned it. Shh, don't tell anyone.

Cannes Fugs and Fabs: Jessica Biel

I was going to make a snide joke about how I wonder if Biel will ever work again -- I keep forgetting she was in Hitchcock -- and then IMDb reminded me that there is a rumor that the David O. Russell movie she made with Jake Gyllenhaal in 2008 (which was apparently a disaster on several fronts, from financing to problems with SAG to apparently huge chunks of it being unfilmed) is finally coming out this year. Can you imagine knowing that what should have been a total marquee film for your career has been moldering for almost five years? And watching Jennifer Lawrence win an Oscar for her David O. Russell movie during that time? Biel can be annoying -- remember that time she moaned to Allure about how it's been super, super hard for her to be SO BEAUTIFUL, career-wise? -- but that has got to have really stuck in her craw. Insert your own "craw" joke when you see her bird outfit. [Photo: Getty, Splash, Fame/Flynet]