Jessica Chastain in Versace
This premiere is for a restored version of Lindsay Lohan's -- oops, I mean, Liz Taylor's Cleopatra. And it's definitely very regal and thematic and whatnot. I was all het up to be cross with it, but maybe it's not that bad -- her head looks great, at least. I'm surprised to see that she dove into the ocean to retrieve the Titanic necklace, because didn't the dude in Britney's "Oops I Did It Again" video already take care of that? Maybe he hurled it back in after Britney gave him the heave-ho. [Okay, actually, it's from the movie -- or a replica thereof -- and I think we can all blame Celine Dion for the fact that the Heart of the Ocean is now more iconic.]
Jessica Chastain
But the imprecision of the bodice is making me nuts. It's just so bunchy -- less Cleopatra than Princess Leia. And I'm pretty sure I hate the shoes she has on with it, without even seeing any more of them. Per Wikipedia, Chastain is 5'4", which shouldn't be considered so short that she has to wear gigantic platforms under all her dresses. She's JESSICA CHASTAIN. They should be hemming that stuff so that she can wear shoes that actually might look good with it. Then again, she's Jessica Chastain, so she almost never wears shoes that look good with whatever that day's "it" is.
Jessica Chastain
For the post-party she changed into this, which is still very PRETTY, and she looks good, but also I am falling asleep.
Rosario Dawson in Marchesa
The gown itself is sexy, but those sleeves are... a lot to digest, and I think they are giving the whole thing a real linebacker aura that it wouldn't have if they were just simple caps.
Milla Jovovich in Prada
So close. I just desperately wish it were an ACTUAL top and not just a glorified apron.
Araya Hargate in Zac Posen
The long dangling satin point is such an unfortunate reminder of snap-crotch bodysuits. So if there was anything dreamy about this, it's been replaced by nightmares about trying to operate one of those after several beers.
Aishwarya Rai
I didn't know Hubba Bubba started making lipstick!
Beatrice Rosen (?)
Getty captioned this girl by two different names at two different Cleopatra parties, so I have no idea which is right, but let's go with Beatrice for now because it reminds me of Beezus and Ramona. Beatrice is my age, but looks significantly younger. If you need me I'll be out back flogging myself. Also: I like the dress, but it looks a bit like a comforter that's just been yanked out of storage and needs ironing.
Joan Smalls in Pucci
This reminds me a lot of the Givenchy that Rooney Mara wore to the Met Ball. I might like this version a little better? It's just SO sexy on her. Sigh. I need to eat more things that aren't the things I currently eat.
Joan Smalls
And then SHE changed into THIS, and BOOTS ARE NOT PANTS. ALL THINGS THAT ARE NOT PANTS? ARE NOT PANTS.
Chanel Iman
It's riding low, I can see shorts, and there are two beady eyes staring at me from her sternum. Safe to say I'll pass on this one.
Dita Von Teese in Elie Saab
Every single time I see Dita Von Teese, I think, ".... Yep, she looks like Dita Von Teese." It's like I'm incapable of having any opinion on her.
Li Yuchun
This is so hilarrible that I'm personally offended nobody wore it to Eurovision.
Lara Nieto
WHY are you wearing BLACK INTIMATES under this, child? NOW THEY ARE NO LONGER INTIMATE.
Adrien Brody and Lara Nieto
Adrien Brody didn't seem to mind. He could not keep his hands off her (she is his girlfriend, I believe, at leat).
Adrien Brody, Lara Nieto
Seriously, he is really enamored. Or obsessed.
Adrien Brody, Lara Nieto
The part where he grabbed her and bodily moved her around the red carpet freaked me out a little bit, though. Put her down for a second, Adrien, and maybe do her the favor of telling her that you can see her... infrastructure.