Rita Ora and Clara Amfo

SURPRISE: We're starting with Rita, who is apparently taking Bella Hadid's place doing events for Magnum ice cream bars. Clara Amfo's suit is a great color but it's a mess of fabric; Rita looks like a burlesque dancer who got tangled up in her set. And that top looked even worse up close, although the photo of her saucily dipping ice cream into liquid chocolate is interesting.

Cheeky! Pun fully intended. (Cheek fully intended also, it seems.)

Eva Longoria in Max Mara

Eva is a L'Oreal spokesperson still, I THINK, so that must explain why she's there every single year without fail. I like this sunny yellow outfit on her, conceptually, but the fit seems... bulky and crinkly. It almost reminds me of those old Gap girl sketches from SNL where they told everyone, "Just cinch it," and it was always bad advice. I don't think cinching this did anything.

in Max Mara

This is the long-sleeve, short-pant version of that outfit, and -- surprising even me -- I think it's a lot more successful.

And I guess this is... yacht businss casual? (She as a human looks GREAT, though. Welcome back, Eva. Now get back onto my TV.)

I am going to excuse how much I don't like this slouchy thing because it's PROBABLY supposed to evoke Sir Elton. (Though Sir Elton would likely look at it and say, "Mine would've fit, and darling, my sparkles go ALL the the way down."

Penelope Cruz

This is great, and also very possibly not her usual Chanel, which says a lot about how I feel about Chanel lately.

Romee Strijd in Etro

Okay, I generally ALSO don't like pants cut that way, OR white boots, but this also kind of works for me and I can only assume it's my fatigue + things work in Cannes that don't normally + orange + model.

Romee Strijd in Etro

Gryffindor has some VERY saucy Game of Thrones sketches in its annual talent show.

Cloe Sevigny

So much weird construction. And not in a fun way this time.

Eva Herzigova

I assume that is a romper, and that she's not trying to pull a full tights-as-pants scenario. It's awfully close, though. That crotch seam looks perfunctory at best.

Amber Heard

What an intriging place to put buttons.

This dress, to me, actually ONLY looks good when she's contorting herself to write L'Oreal slogans all over a window.

Amber Heard

Her head is so great. This all looks like she bought it at a costume shop.

Pedro Almodovar

Pedro! Looking SHARP. I love the green.

Lady Victoria Hervey

Reader, it's pants AND a window to her thong. It's somehow both good and terrible to see that she's still on-brand.

Bryce Dallas Howard

She looks so cute at the premiere that I wish she hadn't changed. This dress isn't awful, but it does feel a bit stale, and frumpy with the tights and shoes.

Eva Herzigova

This looks super comfortable. Not a thing one says very often about formalwear. (It might be too daytime for a rockin' Elton John afterparty?)

Taylor Hill

... is this her wedding night?

Elton and Taron Egerton

We saw Taron's suit from the photocall, but as a Fug National pointed out, he and Elton COORDINATED. I hope these two ham it up on every red carpet.

Cannes Grab Bag: Eva Longoria Is Living It Up

Plus another doozy of a Rita Ora ensemble.