Heidi Klum in Zuhair Murad

This is just so... ridiculous to me. The whole reverse-cleavage thing, where it's being squeezed out underneath a top, never does boobs the service they deserve. AND her hair looks crispy-fried. It's all... tired.

And of course, she spent the entire time on the red carpet and the stairs doing this -- there are SO MANY photos -- which is really just putting so much faith in the dress, the boob tape, the universe. Faith none of those things deserved.

I picked a less obvious photo -- to the point where, for a second, I did think it was just a lock of hair, but no. That's her areola. She needed to give herself a fresh tuck. Also, while we're here... the fake lashes along the bottom look very spider-y. This was not Heidi's day.

Kate Beckinsale

At least this is... mostly wrangled?

Coco Rocha

I thought Coco had a bit of a lukewarm start to Cannes, but she's making up for it. This is deeply amusing to me.

And of course the best thing about Cannes is that we get overhead angles, which allows for photos like THIS.

Karina, Giselle, NingNing, Winter from Girl Group aespa

They all look very pretty. I think NingNing's floral Versace dress is my favorite, just as her shoes are the most terrifying.

Juliette Binoche and Benoit Magimel

Apparently these two were a couple for a long time, but are now merely co-stars in the VERY well-reviewed movie they were screening here, The Pot-au-Feu, which -- like Top Chef -- is apparently something I should not watch while hungry. Juliette looks devastatingly cool.

Ikram Abdi Omar

On the upside, she gets PERFECT DirecTV signal.

Petra Nemcova

That necklace is great, but I think it needed a gown with a less aggressive top. It just seems heavy.

Elsa Hosk

If you're thinking this looks like the dress is falling apart...

Elsa Hosk in Viktor & Rolf

... you're spiritually correct. It's fun to see a Viktor & Rolf dress take a turn on the carpet, as it happens infrequently.

Jourdan Dunn in Elie Saab

"Wait, can I slouch off to the side too?" her sleeve begs.

Helena Christensen

Pretty unimpeachable.

Lena Mahfouf in Vivienne Westwood

That's pretty, but she's ALSO coming close to slipping a nip there.

Lais Ribeiro in Nicolas Jebran

I'm going to assume this fits. It's fine, but unfortunately for her, I'm MORE interested in the dress behind her and didn't have a photo of it.

Winnie Harlow

This is striking...

... but not so much from the back. She looks like a peacock whose feathers have been tied back.

Nassib Njeim

That NECKLACE. Damn.

I don't have a name for this guest. I just thought this was strangely chic, in an... upside-down-white-Gumby way that I can't explain.

Oh Boy, Heidi Klum Has Arrived in Cannes

EXUBERANTLY.