SWINTON in Loewe

We begin, as many things do, with SWINTON. It is important to note that this is custom, which means... "swimming in fabric" is basically exactly what all parties wanted it to look like. SWINTON wanted to be SWIMTON. I'd love to see the top tucked into something. The bottom half of this looks like she's the mayor of the Emerald City in a community production and they're just working with whatever people donated.

SWINTON in Schiaparelli

Her presence is undeniable, though. I've struggled with some of her doubling down on the wisdom of taking that role in Doctor Strange, but she's got this undeniable SOMETHING that keeps you looking, although it also might be because it took me a second to realize that's a bird on her shirt.

Rosamund Pike in Dior

This dress is an ode to being flayed.

Complete with the kind of sideboob that's clearly deliberate but poorly executed enough that it might as well have been an accident.

Sharon Stone in D&G

This is a D&G that could as easily have been a Versace. I wish it had been a Versace.

Kat Graham in Gaultier

This is what you get when you're feeling very Fraulein Maria but you like your curtains too much, so you turn to your canopy bed.

Kat Graham in Nicolas Jebran

If you told me that center ornament is the carrier of an otherworldly spirit, and that it glows in the presence of high fructose corn syrup, I'd buy it.

Jean Dujardin

Jean here is leaning with the confidence of a man who will willingly lean his face upon the ground and put some weight on it.

And you thought I was just being random.

Bill Murray

"I TOO CAN DO THINGS."

Fatou N'Diaye

"I don't need to do ANYTHING other than just stand here and be cool."

Fatou N'Diaye and Jean Dujardin

Her waistline here has dropped like my spirits.

Liya Kebede in McQueen

It may LOOK like she has a bunch of TP stuck to her clothes... and she does, but only because she learned after one terrible evening at a bar to ALWAYS have extra with her.

Yseult in Vivienne Westwood

Speaking of Charmin: This is Mary Poppins reimagined as a bride from one of those shower games where people wrap you in TP to make a dress.

Mia Maestro

Gorgeous.

Nathalie Pechalat

It's true that we don't see enough high-fashion camo.

Melanie Thierry

Sharon Stone would appreciate this. I wish the skirt were a rich color, but honestly, she still looks very cool. AND IT'S OPAQUE.

Adele Exarchopoulos in Jacquemus

Well, it could be (and has been) worse, but meh.

Roxane Mesquida

Sometimes, clowns want to be off-duty. It never totally works.

Caleb Landry Jones

It took me a minute to realize I know him from the new Twin Peaks. He looks very different -- and in this photo, kind of like if Willem Dafoe had been reincarnated as a hockey player.

Regina King in Gucci

This is too kitschy for me.

Honor Swinton Byrne

That's a great color.

Suzanna Son

WEDNESDAY ADDAMS, IS THAT YOU.

Cindy Bruna

Funky suit. The shoes and the bra shirt hurt my feelings, but honestly, if I had to keep one... I'd keep the bra shirt.

Cindy Bruna

NOPE. Burberry did not need to have an '80s businessperson moment.

Leonie Hanne in Georges Hobeika

This is exactly what I want out of Cannes.

And oh, sigh, how I missed the aerial views.

And That's a Wrap on Cannes

Starring SWINTON, some glitter, and an umbrella.