Carrie Underwood at the 2017 CMAs

Carrie Underwood in Fouad Sarkis

She looks stiff enough in this that I keep expecting a machine to scan her and then 3D print her as a Barbie.

Carrie Underwood

And then she pops out on stage looking like she poked her legs through a zingy carpet bag.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Andrew H. Walker/REX/Shutterstock (9212750gq) Carrie Underwood 51st Annual CMA Awards, Show, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

"Yes. I did just crawl out of the sea. King Triton is a generous but time-consuming lover."

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9213002et) Carrie Underwood speaks at the 51st annual CMA Awards at the Bridgestone Arena, in Nashville, Tenn 51st Annual CMA Awards - Show, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

"And I lived happily ever after. Good night everyone! Except we still have another two or three hours here, but you feel me."

with Brad Paisley

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Andrew H. Walker/REX/Shutterstock (9212750kf) Carrie Underwood, Brad Paisley 51st Annual CMA Awards, Show, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

"Can we discuss why Brad is dressed as Brad, and I am dressed as a contestant in the Miss Britney Spears pageant who's trying to mix eveningwear with her iconic Toxic catsuit? Which one of us do you think misread the memo?"

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Andrew H. Walker/REX/Shutterstock (9212750bg) Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood 51st Annual CMA Awards, Show, Nashville, USA - 08 Nov 2017

Not gonna lie: This makes me sad I didn't watch. I don't know how Carrie Underwood can stand there carrying off a figure-skating costume and matching full-body cape, but a blue evening gown blands her up. Such are the powerful mysteries of Underwod. Well, that, and why she wears clothing brands I have NEVER heard of, and not in an "I just want to be a platform for emerging designers" kind of way. She could be in Herrera, Delpozo, Jason Wu, Kors. Why isn't she?