Celebs at the ESPYs

Alison Brie

I hooted when I saw this. Alison looks like she is playing the role of Kylie Jenner in a Garden of Eden-themed family holiday kard called Book of Jennesis.

Mandatory Credit: Photo by CraSH/imageSPACE/Shutterstock (13039362dn) Alison Brie ESPY Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, California, USA - 20 Jul 2022

She looks like a walking accessories rack. Is this like that penny dish at cash registers? Have a belt, give a belt; need a belt, take a belt?

Rachel Lindsay

And apparently Alison's dress has a friendlier cousin.

Russell Wilson and Ciara

I know Russell is, in fact, an athlete, and yes, he's wearing a dramatic jacket, but his celebrity wife Ciara is the clear cockamamie winner here with a dress that is built to showcase her chest...

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Broadimage/Shutterstock (13039854bn) Ciara ESPY Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles - 20 Jul 2022

... but which couldn't be bothered to FIT it properly. Imagine if this were a narrow vee with no need for the boob pads. We'd be talking more about her perfect face. (We can still talk about that. It cannot be denied.)

Quinta Brunson

She looks like the BEST fireworks display.

Hannah Waddingham

I thought, "Of course she's there, she owns a sports team." That's FICTIONAL, Heather, sheesh. She looks boring but still glowy.

Verina and Lil Rel Howery

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Chelsea Lauren/Shutterstock (13038670ce) Verina Howery and Lil Rel Howery ESPY Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles, California, USA - 20 Jul 2022

I like Lil Rel's boots, but not with the rest of this. Verina looks like a fancy plant from the Jenndashian Garden of Eden kard that I am apparently willing into existence.

Jay Pharoah

Snazzy jacket, Jay.

Abbi Jacobson

This is okay, but might have needed one more fitting?

John Boyega

YES. Love the red suit.

Jon Hamm, Anna Osceola

Jon Hamm popped up in something the other day, and my kids were like, "Oh, it's the guy from the Apple TV+ commercial. Does he act?" I had to stop and remind myself that they absolutely have not ever seen Mad Men and don't need to for a long time. In the end I was like, "Yes. He acts."

Mickey Guyton

Princess Leia learned the hard way not to wash her dress with her new socks.

Michael-Bella Bowman

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Broadimage/Shutterstock (13039854l) Mychal-Bella Bowman ESPY Awards, Arrivals, Los Angeles - 20 Jul 2022

She's in "The Underground Railroad." This is a very polished and fun ensemble on her.

Aubrey Plaza

And THAT is very bombshell.

Heidi Gardner

This is juggling her boobs in a very bizarre way. It's an amateur juggler. It never took class but taught itself one weekend while watching a really long college football game.

Simu Liu

He is usually so much more colorful than this!

Adrian Dev

Adrian is more than making up for it.