We begin at the 1999 Grammys, which is as far back as the available images went. This is just accidentally revealing enough that it'd probably get play again today, although we're clearly in an era where Celine either didn't have a makeup artist or needed to fire one.
March 1999
P 370822 01: Celine Dion arrives at the 71st Academy Awards, March 21, 1999 in Los Angeles, CA. (Photo by Liaison Agency)
But I mean, this is what we came for; this is what we ALL come for when we think of a Celine retrospective. Her Galliano backward tux was bonkers. She said in June that it was simply ahead of its time and that today it would have worked. I am here to tell you that today I find it as insane and Mob Queen as ever, although she's right that I might have given it the "Oh Celine, You Just Do You" pass she earned this summer fo rbeing entertainingly bonkers. Worn with a wink, I can take this. Worn with sincerity, no.
March 2000
E366590 3/26/00 Rancho Mirage, CA. Celine Dion sporting a new short do and Australian golfer, Karrie Webb at the Nabisco Championship Golf Tournament. Photo by Tom Hauck/Allsport/Online USA, Inc.
Celine had just cut her hair off here, I guess? I only pulled this because it makes me like her that she waded into the water at a golfing Pro-Am (that's Karrie Webb she's with).
July 2001
This is Rene-Charles's christening, and I pulled THIS because a) the sheer crowds suggest that she IS Canadian royalty, and b) his Unimpressed face reminded me of Prince George's.
Feb 2002
401611 119: Singer Celine Dion attends the 44th Annual Grammy Awards at Staples Center February 27, 2002 in Los Angeles, CA. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
What in the wide world of sandwiches is this dress doing to her chest? It's so bad that I can't even contemplate the weird elastic/buckle thing on the skirt.
March 2002
Celine Dion performs at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles for her new CBS special "Celine Dion: A New Day Has Come", Sunday, March 3, 2002. Photo by Kevin Winter/ImageDirect
Attaching the scarf to her hip feels so 2002 to me. The sheer lace top, though, she could trot out now. She SHOULDN'T, but she could, and a lot of the Internet would probably be like OMG LACE GOALS (but not here).
March 2002
Celine Dion performs during a taping of the Early Show at the CBS Studios in New York City. 3/26/02 Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images
This feels right for The Early Show, although I'm not sure why the SET of The Early Show looks like they were having a wedding.
March 2002
Celine Dion performs during a taping of the Early Show at the CBS Studios in New York City. 3/26/02 Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images
I assume Celine, too, is confused why her sleeves don't attach at the shoulder and yet have so MUCH fabric to spare on her forearms.
April 2002
404002 05: Singer Celine Dion poses for photographers while promoting her new album "A New Day Has Come" April 16, 2002 at Hotel Villamgna in Madrid, Spain. (Photo by Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images)
The sleeves on that coat look more like they belong to a blouse, or a button-down shirt. I want to re-nip and re-tuck that sucker into something gorgeous.
May 2002
OH NO WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
May 2002
Celine is very limber.
May 2002
Celine Dion at "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" at the NBC Studios in Burbank, Ca. Tuesday, May 21, 2002. Photo by Kevin Winter/ImageDirect.
I actually kind of want Law Roach to dip into the Celine Dion Archives and see how he can make them relevant today. I assume Celine never throws anything out, but instead keeps a warehouse in Las Vegas where everything is on racks and filed by year. It's just somehow what I need to believe.
Hugh Grant and Celine Dion at "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" at the NBC Studios in Burbank, Ca. Tuesday, May 21, 2002. Photo by Kevin Winter/ImageDirect.
Hugh was a year off Bridget Jones's Diary, and promoting either "About a Boy" or "Two Weeks Notice" at this point, possibly while also filming "Love, Actually," and for me this is Peak Hugh Grant Hair. I assume Celine is telling him not to grow it back out again, EVER.
May 2002
405715 17: Singer Celine Dion attends the 5th Annual VH1 Divas Las Vegas concert May 23, 2002 in Las Vegas, NV. The concert benefits the VH1 "Save The Music Foundation." (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
Sometimes the early aughts are just so easily identifiable. Pelvic bone was so hot back then.
January 2003
She REALLY did not need to wear a skin-tone shirt under that.
March 2003
I haven't looked up who "Franco Dragone" is, and I'm not going to, because I prefer imagining that it's the perfume Celine Dion is wearing at this exact moment.
March 2003
I would like to go back in time and tell 2003 Heather to go see Celine in Vegas IMMEDIATELY, and that the memories would come in handy someday.
April 2003
BURBANK, CA - APRIL 29: Singer Celine Dion appears on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" at the NBC Studios on April 29, 2003 in Burbank, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
I think this was the first thing Law Roach burned when they started working together, as a purification ritual.
May 2003
Sharon is obviously wondering why Celine would ruin a perfectly normal dress with so much fake tanner.
December 2003
LAS VEGAS - DECEMBER 10: Singer Celine Dion walks off stage during the 2003 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena December 10, 2003 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
I couldn't find this from the front, but I am PRETTY SURE this tells the important part of the story.
Sept 2004
LAS VEGAS, NV - SEPTEMBER 15: Singer Celine Dion, winner of the Diamond Award, poses backstage at the 2004 World Music Awards at the Thomas and Mack Center on September 15, 2004 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The World Music Awards are presented annually to the world?s top selling recording-artists in the various music categories and to the best-selling recording artist of the year from each of the major record-buying countries. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
She really came to regret missing that appointment with her waxer.
Feb 2006
LAS VEGAS, NV - FEBRUARY 20: Singer Celine Dion performs during the Harrah's Entertainment Artists Rally Together (H.E.A.R.T.) benefit concert at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace February 20, 2006 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The sold-out show, also featuring music artist Sir Elton John and comedian Jerry Seinfeld, raised USD2.1M for about 9,400 hurricane-affected employees of Caesars' parent company, Harrah's Entertainment, Inc. Heavy damage from Hurricane Katrina caused the closure of Harrah's resorts in Gulfport and Biloxi, Mississippi and New Orleans, Louisiana and Hurricane Rita closed Harrah's Lake Charles in Louisiana. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
Again: SO LIMBER. She looks fine, and is also showing off serious leg strength.
May 2006
LAS VEGAS - MAY 07: Singer Celine Dion poses with a wax statue of herself that was unveiled before the 500th performance of her "A New Day..." show at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace May 7, 2006 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Dion's statue, created by the Grevin Museum in Paris, France, is dressed in the outfit she wore at the 1998 Academy Awards where she sang the song "My Heart Will Go On" which won the Oscar for Best Original Score. All of the proceeds from Dion's 500th show will go to the Celine Dion Foundation to benefit 10 Las Vegas charities. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
One of these Celines looks much better than the other one. Mercifully, it's the real one.
Feb 2007
HOLLYWOOD - FEBRUARY 25: Celine Dion performs world premiere of ?I Knew I Loved You? in tribute to Honorary Academy Award recipient Ennio Morricone during the 79th Annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre on February 25, 2007 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images)
This looks like her cleavage has been harnessed to her crotch.
November 2007
MONTE CARLO, MONACO - NOVEMBER 04: Singer Celine Dion arrives at the 2007 World Music Awards held at the Sporting Club on November 4, 2007 in Monte Carlo, Monaco. (Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)
This veers a bit close to "overall dress that needs a shirt underneath," but it's also overall a pretty good look on her.
November 2007
LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 18: Singer Celine Dion poses in the press room at the 2007 American Music Awards held at the Nokia Theatre L.A. LIVE on November 18, 2007 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
She really did have a love affair with bronzer that was ALMOST as enduring as that with Rene Angelil.
LOS ANGELES, CA - NOVEMBER 18: Singers Josh Groban and Celine Dion dance in the press room at the 2007 American Music Awards held at the Nokia Theatre L.A. LIVE on November 18, 2007 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
If Josh Groban doesn't have this photo on his piano, then I don't know if I can ever believe in him.
December 2007
LAS VEGAS - DECEMBER 15: Singer Celine Dion, flanked by (L-R) musical director Claude "Mego" Lemay, dancer Jean-Christophe Dasse and dancer Elijah Brown, takes her final bow after the last performance of her show "A New Day..." at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace December 15, 2007 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nearly three million people watched Dion perform 717 shows since it opened in March 2003. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for AEG Live/Concerts West)
This was the closing of her first Caesar's Palace residency. She looks super. Of all the times to pull out a good dress, that's high on the list.
LAS VEGAS - DECEMBER 16: Singer Celine Dion looks at a large floral display on stage during a news conference following the final performance of her show "A New Day..." at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace December 15, 2007 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nearly three million people watched Dion perform 717 shows since it opened in March 2003. (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images for AEG Live/Concerts West)
I hope she either entered or exited atop this bed of flowers.
January 2008
CANNES, FRANCE - JANUARY 26: Singer Celine Dion attends the 2008 NRJ Music Awards held at the Palais des Festivals on January 26, 2008 in Cannes, France. (Photo by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)
I like the cropped jacket, but need to lose the rest. The heavy tights don't work, and the dress needs to be tailored differently to have a chance. Oh Celine
July 2008
MILAN, ITALY - JULY 03: Singer Celine Dion performs at DatchForum on July 3, 2008 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images)
"YES BUT MY QUADS."
Jan 2010
LOS ANGELES, CA - JANUARY 31: Singers Celine Dion (L) and Beyonce Knowles backstage during the 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards held at Staples Center on January 31, 2010 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Larry Busacca/Getty Images)
I would love to know if their outfits were made by the same person, and if there was a SCOLDING somewhere about this, and also if they stuck together like when two kids with braces make out.
Feb 2011
HOLLYWOOD, CA - FEBRUARY 27: Singer Celine Dion arrives at the 83rd Annual Academy Awards held at the Kodak Theatre on February 27, 2011 in Hollywood, California. (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images)
This is for the Oscars, and she looks perfect.
Jan 2014
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - JANUARY 22: Musician Celine Dion attends the UCLA Head and Neck Surgery Luminary Awards at the Beverly Wilshire Four Seasons Hotel on January 22, 2014 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images for The UCLA Department of Head and Neck Surgery)
However, if you had assumed we were entering an era of a better-dressed and sleek Celine, you were indeed wrong. This dress looks a bit drunk.
May 2015
LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17: Singer Celine Dion poses in the press room during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)
The top is crushing her boobs, the slit is too high, and the porthole over her hip was probably impossible for people NOT to pretend to poke.
November 2015
Beautiful.
May 2016
And this is solid, too. Rene died in January of 2016, so this was basically her first appearance, and right AFTER this is when she contacted Law Roach for her Dionissance. She obviously wanted a fresh start, even though she'd wandered into a fantastic dress here on her own, and Law clearly gave it to her. We'll take a look at THAT next.
