September 1999

We begin at the end of the nineties, and nothing says "HEY WHATEVER THE WORLD IS GOING TO BLOW UP WHEN 2000 COMES" quite as much as the chutzpah to wear this out of the house.

November 1999

This is so 10 Things I Hate About You.

September 2000

I think more of her is uncovered than covered by this one. Classic college Halloween party, except that's not at all where she was.

February 2001

A Kardashian would wear all of this now, except the dress would be black.

April 2001

And then we have Twisted Sister, Shredded Velvet.

June 2001

Man, she and Britney were at this time locked in SOME KIND OF RACE to be the craziest dresser.

June 2001

That is so much makeup. And so little shirt.

Feb 2002

This seemed early for her turn into this aesthetic, but Lady Marmalade was nominated and I think her hair was all done up for that performance.

November 2002

THIS is more where we were in 2002. She looks like she's trying so hard not to get crushed by her own styling.

November 2002

Remember when the fly on your jeans was only like one inch long? SIGH. Why did we ever stand for that.

November 2002

And remember when our shirts all had matching neckties and what look like detachable long sleeves, like we were some kind of mafia Brenda Walsh? No, you don't, because NO ONE DID THAT EXCEPT FOR CHRISTINA.

January 2003

Girl, you were both too early and too young to play Maleficent.

Jan 2003

Although I'm very sorry to hear you got mauled on your luxury safari.

This might be one of the most dramatic jaw-droppers. First, her lace-front pants may not actually be drawn entirely closed, and for another; then there's the rise on those jeans and the Plaid patches. It's an astonishing little time capsule of crazy.

February 2003

I have a LOT of questions, but the most pressing might be: Who actually MADE a zip-up athleisure halter?

Terrible, but at least those pants are letting her BREATHE.

April 2003

This is Jeremy Scott. Which makes sense. 

And here we have the beginning of her dark-haired phase, compelte with trying to wear a bathing suit as a shirt... and, in fact, it's one of those bathing suits that isn't actually designed for swimming, or even getting wet.

Please, ladies, talk to your doctors about getting vaccinated against Explosive Crotch Fire.

It can strike anywhere.

Aug 2003

This is, weirdly, better-designed than half her pants outfits from earlier. But she still looks like a hopeful showgirl, in a way that would tug at my heart if she weren't actually hella famous by this point.

I just thought it was worth remembering that this all even happened.

November 2003

"I would LOVE to play tennis, after I make this tie out of shelf paper and then shoot the earth out of my vagina."

November 2003

"Good night everyone! Don't drink and tie-dye."

November 2003

I gasped when this one turned up.

AND THIS. The tan! The toilet paper! THE INSANITY. It's like Cleopatra reimagined as a prank.

February 2004

This is a perfect example of how sometimes, you need to show restraint SOMEWHERE, be it with your bronzer, your body shimmer, your dress, your necklace, your makeup, or your hair. TONE SOMETHING DOWN.

This may have been when her boobs were getting a divorce and had a restraining order against each other.

Feb 2004

This reminds me of the "Thriller" scene in 13 Going on 30, in which Jennifer Garner's excuse is that she's a secret teenager. And even SHE didn't wear fishnets.

Girl. That run in your glove. THERE IS HARDLY ANY GLOVE LEFT. JUST TAKE IT OFF.

I am concerned someone gave her a tube top and she was like, "Yay, a skirt!"

May 2004

And now we're back to blond for her torch-song bombshell period. I enjoyed that one, actually. I'd so much rather have that, than Katy Perry's new singles.

June 2004

I know you can't really see Xtina's dress, but the ecstasy with which she's grabbing Sharon Stone is marvelous. I'd also like to point out that GFY still didn't exist at this point in our timeline. WHAT FODDER WE MISSED.

June 2004

And now a brief pause while Christina garbs herself like a regular human.

August 2004

This was a cute flapper-y look. I think she went overboard on the hair, though.

This is so QUAINT. Nowadays NOBODY would bother with bike shorts.

This was her third outfit of the night and IT IS BONKERS. How she didn't choke herself on one of those necklaces...

Sept 2004

I am going to bitch a second about AGAIN the MASSIVE QUANTITY OF FACE PAINT she does not need. But her tank top? Yeah, that was actually ahead of the 2017 curve.

Sept 2004

... I mean, it resembles clothes. A start!

Feb 2015

Those eyebrows are the MOST 2005 thing. Also her makeup is so heavy she's actually POSSIBLY slightly metallic. 

"THERE FINE ARE YOU PEOPLE HAPPY???"

May 2005

This is actually SUPER CUTE and she should maybe consider pulling it out again someday.

This also happened.

June 2006

But this! Shockingly serviceable.

And this has a pointless belt and a slip that won't hide, but whatever. It's trying something better than the 1999-2004 period did.

August 2006

I fully love this.

Don't you feel like Carrie Underwood would try this now?

Sept 2006

Well, oops. She washed her dry-cleaning pile again.

See, the modesty bike shorts are LONG GONE already

This is the cutest she's ever looked, I think. I STILL would wear all of this.

The scheme so nice, she tried it twice. It had diminishing returns, but still.

January 2007

This is okay on her, too. Apparently I just want her in red all the time.

And then AGAIN WITH THE BRONZER. Some of it is lighting, but not all of it. And obviouslt she hadn't abandoned it totally, but this seems like a very fresh orange coat.

Feb 2007

Whoever the bride was should NOT have paired pink and dung-taupe.

November 2007

Suddenly she veered into Real Housewives territory.

February 2008

February 2008

I would have put down money on this being a bad impersonator.

Sept 2008

I'll say this: At least she embraces brightness.

October 2008

See?

Sept 2008

Hoik, mermaid. HOIK.

Nov 2008

"Check it out -- I made this MYSELF. YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL."

November 2008

This could be worse. Congratulations, Christina!

Sept 2009

And here, her face looks pretty good, but her dress fabric is trying DESPERATELY to pill itself off as fast as possible.

Dec 2009

CUTE hair. The rest of her looks uncomfortable, like she's posing for her own doll.

Jan 2010

Nothing like a little Cher to get you to spiff up your act. (I believe this is when they were finishing Burlesque.)

June 2010

This is TOTALLY ridiculous. But I have to ask myself, if she wore this today with cooler shoes, would I find it charmingly crazy or shredded Hefty? I might slide over to "charmingly crazy." Imagine it on Gwen or Janelle Monae. We'd be like, "Oh, you! What a card."

Touche, Xtina. Touche.

June 2010

THE WORST MAKEUP. It really might be absolute rock bottom.

September 2010

JUST KIDDING THIS IS IT.

November 2010

And then again Christina is kinda toning it down. I wonder if Cher had someting in her contract that was like, "Don't upstage THE LEGEND."

This is actually striking on her, but maybe not with the Heidi braid.

December 2010

So, so much stretchy black fabric here. SO MUCH. It's like a mentor/mentee situation.

Cute! Normal! Can she and Cher make a movie together all the time?

"It's okay, kid. You can step on my territory again once I'm back home in Malibu."

She was in the UK here, so this Joan Collins attire seems like an understandable attempt.

Jan 2011

This could have been okay, but is a GREAT example of why beige is the MOST BORING base for a gown. It's all I can see. Beeeeeeeige. It even sounds boring when you say it

March 2011

It's also amazing how tiny changes in pose, makeup, and hair can make her look like a different human.

May 2011

She, like Britney, may never ever give up her peep-toe platforms.

May 2011

Cute, though. She was onto something

July 2011

This ALSO isn't terrible. Oh, the warm compliments just FLOW from my fingers.

August 2012

This would have looked better without the pants, kid. I'm just saying.

Sept 2012

Fairly understated..

... until the My Little Pony tail. (I don't even really mind that?)

Oct 2012

I keep thinking she's Jenny McCarthy in this one.

Nov 2012

Return the pants to Liza Minnelli, exchange the shirt for one with no picture on it, and put your hair in a ponytail again without the hat. Then we'll talk

Nov 2012

Again: She is almost unrecognizable.

March 2013

But by and large, she's working it out once we creep into the twenty-teens.

April 2013

The dress isn't perfect, but she's trying.

July 2013

Honestly, I kept thinking this photo was from 2006

November 2013

I am really weirdly distracted by how prominent her zipper is.

Nov 2013

I'm giving it to her. It looks sort of cheap, but SHE does not look cheap.

Feb 2015

Lipstick, girl. You're so GOOD at it. But otherwise this works for me

November 2015

This is very, very Paris Hilton. Like, she could be a Paris Hilton waxwork, which as we know does not require much more than a very passing familiarity.

April 2016

Does she have a Rosie the Riveter album coming out?

Nov 2016

And here she is today. This is actually pretty good hair and makeup, despite the chlorinated color. She's settled into partial obscurity whenever she's not on The Voice, and I hope that's bringing her some calm.. but also bringing her voice back to us, because if there's one thing she can do unerringly, it is this: WAIL.

Christina Aguilera: A Fugstory

Further proof the late '90s and early aughts were a dark sartorial time.