Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Upholstery? Maybe, but it's also really funky. I may want Shailene Woodley to bust this out during one of her marquee premieres.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Zhang Ziyi.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Stick someone from Game of Thrones in this. It feels right.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This causes me a great deal of pain. IT'S HIDEOUS.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Congratulations, folks, on making red satin seem dowdy and depressing. TWICE.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
It's lingerie AND it's like armor. It's Joan of Hustler.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This is in the same fashion show as the other one. Let that sink in.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Seriously, some of this stuff is so staid, and then...
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
...BOOM, out comes something straight out of Kristen Stewart's last Fug Madness run.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
I mean, this is a glorified death shroud...
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
... and this makes it look like her crotch is detaching.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Schoolmarm.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This isn't even PRETENDING to be anything other than a labia frame.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This is like the gateway item. Staid buys this item and then suddenly two months later Staid has changed its name to Sexstick and wears only windows.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Well, I assume the new Mary Queen of Scots show on The CW will be turning to Valentino for all its Nighttime Shenanigans needs.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This reminds me of that horrible FOX movie-making reality show "On The Lot," on which one contestant presented a horror film made from the point of view of a tree.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
And this is a tree having a nightmare about that movie.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Look, even the Garden of Eden gets chilly sometimes.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Okay, we might be in business here. Too plungey for Zooey Deschanel? Or just what she needs?
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Rooney Mara.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Rooney Mara, if she taught weaving on a farm in New Mexico.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
This is your brain stuck on a level of Candy Crush for over a week.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Parts of this show do have A Very Young Monarch From Olden Times feeling to them.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Oh, I don't know. Nicole Kidman might do it.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Oops, someone spilled on grandpa's favorite armchair.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
I want Gwyneth Paltrow to wear this. Can you imagine?
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Interesting, but it also looks like an infection that's spreading.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Is this collection inspired by a museum of antiquities?
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Finally, something reasonable. And even so, the skirt pattern is like a very expensive poster from a very poncey science museum.
Valentino: Runway - Paris Fashion Week Haute-Couture F/W 2013-2014
Did anyone ever send failed young novices to walk the plank? Because that's what this feels like.