Crazy Old Easter Cards

Easter postcard featuring photograph of young girl holding bowl of Easter eggs.

We're going to find out that she made these ornaments -- for her... Easter tree?!? -- with the hair of the people whose SOULS SHE DEVOURED.

c. 1900

"There's heads in these here eggs, you know."

My Best Easter Wishes

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 1900: Easter Illustration (Photo by Buyenlarge/Getty Images)

"PRECIOUSSSSSSSS."

This is called "A Glad Easter," which is a very lukewarm sentiment indeed. Unless this cherub is glad she stole that necklaces from a baroness.

Illustration for Easter postcard featuring young girl's faces within flowers. Butterflies.

Absolutely not, no thank you, leave the people plants out of this, please. This feels like weird Yo Gabba Gabba shit.

Easter Tots

"IS this how babies are made?!?"

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 1900: Three baby chicks under an umbrella leaf through a small book in the middle of a meadow. The image is from a vintage Victorian postcard. (Photo by Buyenlarge/Getty Images)

This is a "vintage Victorian postcard" that shows how little respect fowl have for book-learnin'.

"Dearest Mummy, the Amnesia has not yet taken me, but even if it shall, just know this: I will never forget those wretched dinners of pureed carrots and peas. I REMEMBER YOU."

ONE of these altar boys is gonna get reamed later for hiding a magazine in his hymnal.

In which the poultry celebrates that, just this one, the rabbits have to lay the eggs.

"Must dash, LOADS of bunnies complaining of shitting out eggs this morning, it's simply not USUAL."

Illustration for Easter postcard featuring young chicken wearing large hat and hatching from egg.

I'm sorry, but WHERE did this chick find an EXOTIC HAT when it was inside its egg? Is there a Harrods in there?

"Yes, totally, this is JUST for you, I MADE IT MYSELF, it's not at all something we found in our coop this morning, and mummy absolutely was not screaming 'WE CANNOT HAVE MORE CHICKENS, BENNY, THE ONES WE HAVE ALREADY HATE ME.' No ma'am."

Illustration of four baby chicks singing Easter hymns from hymnals, 1910. Chromolithograph. (Photo by GraphicaArtis/Getty Images)

"Hear me out... just this once... what if we celebrated the big J.C. with an a cappella Stairway to Heaven!! Yes? No?"

Illustration of Clowns and Easter Eggs (Photo by Jennifer Kennard/Corbis via Getty Images)

"Shhh. Be quiet. If we move, the clowns will see us, and then we'll have to pretend they're funny."

Illustration for die-cut Easter greeting card featuring young woman leaning on crucifix day dreaming.

"Isn't crucifixion DREAMY??? Siiiigh."

Illustration for Easter postcard featuring baby chicks emerging from wrapped present.

"Okay, who sent us via UPS? It STINKS in here, and I think Marlon may have died."

Temperance And Bible Study Cards

CIRCA 1900: A colorfully illustrated temperance bible study card from circa 1900 reads, "Easter Lesson. 1 Cor. 15: 12-28. Golden Text-- Now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the first fruits of them that slept. I Cor. 15: 20." (Photo by Donaldson Collection/Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images)

"Yo, Jesus is back, bro. Hand to God. He rose up." "Are you KIDDING ME? That's like some season three plot stuff right there!!!"

Dorothy Gulliver as Humpty Dumpty

(Original Caption) Dorothy Gulliver dressed as Humpty Dumpty on the wall in a special Easter pose. Undated movie still. BPA2# 2047

Dorothy Gulliver had quite a few regrets this morning, one of which was that she did indeed have no way down but to risk breaking her crown.