Miley Cyrus

But look how great this is for her face shape, and her eyes. She's actually lovelier this way, with the punk 'do, than she was before. Although I will admit, I hate the nose ring. I have officially graduated to But Why Ruin Your Pretty Face?!? levels of fogeyhood.

Miley Cyrus

I'm not sure about the bodystocking, though. Certainly she has the figure for it, and even with the skirt hitting her mid-shin -- usually my pet peeve -- she still looks willowy. But what about the windows?

Miley Cyrus

The openings make it look cheaper -- in the inexpensive sense of the word, I mean. I don't know. Leave laddering to the firemen.

Miley

And then of course she changed into this very aggressive, angry whips-and-chains getup. This is how I imagine Brigitte Nielsen dressed whenever she needed to lay a scolding on Flavor Flav.

Miley Cyrus

Honey. Do not take a page from the Book of Bieber. Besides, it's really just a leaflet.

Miley

She wore this a couple weeks ago and we didn't catch it, so I had to share it with you now. There are few things in the world as awful as those pants, and a zipper that goes down so far that it's actually violating your vulva. Julia Roberts' character in Pretty Woman is thinking to herself, "Girl, even hookers would never."

Decently Played, And Then Miley-ly Played: Miley Cyrus

As with all things, my initial fear of this makeover has come around to affection. Because remember when she had three tons of the world's rattiest, most gnarled hair extensions? That was worse. [Photos: Getty]