Downton OH THANK GOD SERIOUSLY
I am not even doing this in chronological order right now, because I have bigger fish to fry. First and foremost, I want to give you huge news, and it is that I am psychic. Remember in the recap of the season finale how I said, and I quote me, "Please dear Julian Fellowes, PLEASE open season six with a conversation wherein we learn that they totally found [Valet Green's] actual murderer over the break and everything is totally fine and WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS MEANDERING ENDLESS PLOTLINE AGAAAAAIN?" Well! That is basically exactly what happens. There was some piddly bullshit about how this woman who confessed -- another rape victim who happened upon him in the street, and just shoved him under a lorry LIKE HE DESERVED - might be making a false confession, at which I literally yelled, "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME," surely to the great delight of my neighbors -- but blah blah blah they found someone to corroborate....yeah, I am too bored to even finish that sentence. WHO CARES! The Twenty Year Tale Of Bates And Anna Getting Arrested For Murdering People appears to be over, and I am so pleased that I'm not even going to note that, technically, Bates should be in serious trouble for breaking his parole and lying to the police and GOING MISSING FOR LIKE...no. Deep breaths. Let us leave this in the past.
Downton to Foxes
All right, back to the opener of the actual episode. I just couldn't wait to have done with the Endless Case of Mr. Green -- and if it turns out that this pops up again, so help me God....I will murder. You feel me. So, we start this season off with a fox hunt, primarily because Downton is very good at people in great outfits on horses riding through beautiful countrysides, and also at making me think things like, "I want to go on a fox hunt before I die!!!" despite the fact that the number of times I've ridden a horse is single digits and also fox hunts are probably ethically questionable. Basically, I want to go back in time and go on a fox hunt. Okay, fine, I just want to ride a horse in this outfit. IS THAT SO WRONG? (Lord G, you should know, expresses gentle wonderment at Mary not riding sidesaddle, but she points out in her no-nonsense way that this is much safer.)
Downton Blackmail
As they're all riding off, this woman is lurking about and she might as well be wearing a sign that says I'M SUSPICIOUS, because she is. She also makes Mary fall off her horse -- not through, like, witchcraft, but because she is SO suspicious that Mary keeps giving her the (apparently warranted) hairy eyeball and gets distracted. Good thing she was riding astride! And in short order, we learn that Lady Suspicious here is a housemaid at the hotel where Mary and Lord Gillingham had their sex-cation (when she decided she didn't want to marry him after all), and she can prove that Mary was all shacked up with a dude without the benefit of marriage, and obviously this will ruin Mary if it gets out -- here we go again! -- and she wants a thousand pounds to keep her yap from yapping.
Downton Threats
Mary wisely points out that this isn't even the first time she's been blackmailed -- in addition to being fatal, her vagina is always getting her blackmailed, it's true -- and I really wanted her to point out to The Blackmailer that being a widow who spent the week rolling around in a hotel room with a man sans benefit of marriage is nothing compared to that time a hot Turkish dude died in her bed.
Bonus points to Michelle Dockery for looking stellar in her little veiled riding hat, and also for playing this scene extremely well, both steely and slightly unnerved. (I also can't stop thinking about how sad it is that her fiance died right before Christmas. This must have been a very, very difficult press junket for her.)
Downton Squee!
I just wanted you to see that Wee George and Wee Marigold are still wee and very cute, and that the show's casting director is apparently A GENIUS at casting The Offspring of Dan Stevens. PS: In this scene, Thomas also gives George a piggy-back ride (something that is VERY HARD to screengrab) to remind us that he is not pure evil, even if he is supercilious and plotty. (No better way to humanize your EvilButler.com than to have him be kind to children and also to save people from housefires set in a huff.)
Downton Boot Room of Doom
Despite the good news on the Murder Front, of course, everything is still terrible for Bates and Anna. Here, in the boot room -- WHERE HAPPINESS GOES TO DIE -- she tearfully confesses to him that she's had a miscarriage and it's not the first one. He, of course, is very Season One Bates about it (so, noble and loving and wonderful, and not secretly murder-y), but we do appear to be heading into a plotline where Anna says a lot of things like "WELL MY INABILITY TO GIVE YOU A CHILD IS RUINING YOUR LIFE," much in the same vein of the plotline in which she said a lot of things about her having been raped has ruined her for him, and ergo his whole life. The Anna/Bates relationship is really predicated upon Anna blaming herself for things which are not at all her fault and deciding that these things are going to ruin Bates's life, so that he can then assure her that he loves her and his life isn't ruined. I suppose there is some parity in that he was pretty sure his (a) not being able walk very well (someone at Downton needs to bottle and sell whatever cured Bates's limp; there's the solution to all your financial problems!) and (b) CONSISTENTLY GETTING ARRESTED FOR MURDER had ruined her life, but...look, I'm really just looking forward to Anna's Miracle Pregnancy, which I am sure is coming because I have watched TV before. (DON'T TELL ME.) Enough crying for poor Joanne Froggatt, my god.
Downton Awkward
In further proof that The Secret is real, do you ALSO remember how I said in the recap of last season's finale that what I really wanted to know was whether or not Carson and Mrs. Hughes were going to have...allow me to be delicate...a marriage in all senses of the word? AHEM. It seems this is what Mrs. Hughes is wondering as well, and, you guys, this whole subplot was great. One of my favorite things about this show is how it treats romance seriously regardless of the romancee's age; it's never played for yuks, or as gross because the people involved might not be in the full bloom of youth anymore. It's just human. It's quite lovely. ANYWAY, in a turn-around of usual events wherein Mrs Hughes has someone come into her parlor and note that they're caught in some terrible web of psycho-sexual drama, SHE sits down in her bedroom with Mrs. Patmore and confesses that (a) she doesn't know if Carson wants to bang, or just be, like, really nice roommates, and (b) she's all old and saggy now and she's worried that if he does want a marriage marriage, she will not be pleasing to him. And despite the jokey way in which I just phrased all of that, this was all extremely well done. It is touching and funny and so deftly handled by all the actors involved. (Mrs. Patmore's suggestion: "Maybe you just leave the lights off!")
Downton Awkward 2
And so Mrs. Patmore is the go-between in this very awkward game of finding out if Carson likes likes Mrs. Hughes. Spoiler: Carson is TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH MRS. HUGHES and he thinks she is beautiful and he definitely does not just want to be jovial roommates, and basically he can't wait to see her naked. He, of course, does not put it that way. In fact, he says, "In my eyes, she is beautiful...she asks if I want a full marriage. The answer is yes, I do. I want a real marriage, a true marriage, with everything that involves...I love her, Mrs. Patmore. I am happy and tickled and bursting with pride that she would agree to be my wife. I want us to live as closely as two people can for the time that remains to us on earth." OH CARSON, YOU WONDERFUL OLD ROMANTIC. And, whoops, I just told you that entire plotline. Anyway. It's quite great -- the scene of Mrs. Patmore trying to delicately ask Carson if he wants to have sex with Mrs. Hughes was a delight, and making her the go-between here was brilliant. And I have sympathy for her, because I could barely type the words, "ask Carson if he wants to have sex with Mrs. Hughes." I AM TAKING MYSELF TO THE BOOT ROOM TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE DONE.
Downton Meetings
Herein, we learn that The Royal Yorkshire County Hospital wants to take over Downton Hospital, and whether or not this shall be allowed is going to be this season's cause of conflict between Violet and Isobel (Violet is con, Isobel is pro); and whether or not Cora should interject herself into this is also going to be a point of contention. ALSO, Clarkson is with Violet on this, and Lord Merton with his ex-fiancee. There! Now you're all caught up. My thoughts: This is potentially WAY LESS INTERESTING that Isobel's romantic dramas, but here's hoping that Dr. Clarkson and Violet being aligned here (and Isobel and him being at odds) eventually brings us to a place where Isobel and Clarkson can be bossy together in holy matrimony, because Violet will have plenty of time with Clarkson to coach him, and, of course, being at odds always acts as an aphrodisiac for Isobel (I assume). But as dull as this potentially is a source of contention, I need to reiterate how FREAKING GREAT Penelope Wilton is. There is a moment where Dickie Merton leans over and is all, "I'm so glad we agree on this," and she basically tells him to slow his roll. YEAH, DICKIE. If you were so hot on agreeing with Isobel on stuff, you should have thrown your two terrible children down the Downton well last year.
Downton Confidences
"Anna, whatever shall we do about your infertility woes that I also had but that the show probably has forgotten?"*
"I'm sure I don't know, m'lady. Whatever shall we do about how every time you get to nail someone, something totally terrible happens?"
*I will note that it's POSSIBLE the show will let Lady Mary remember her own issues getting pregnant in order for the two of them to have a nice talk. I complain, but Downton is actually not terrible at remembering stuff that's happened to its characters. I just hope this heartfelt chat includes a reminiscence of the time Matthew was sorta paralyzed and everyone was worried that his penis was broken.
Downton Solitaire
I thought you might just want to enjoy Lady Mary's hair, headband, and Symbolic Solitaire playing. Enjoy your lone card games, my darling, for MATTHEW GOODE IS COMING. (Eventually. He's in the trailer! HURRY UP, MATTHEW GOODE.)
Downton Edith
Likewise, I thought you might enjoy Edith's lovely gold gown.
Downton Chats
And I also just want to note that Maggie Smith looks great this year. As a human, not as a character. I know she's had some health problems in the past, but she must be feeling better, because she looks 10 years younger than she did last season. Long live Maggie Smith!
Downton Lean In
All that out of the way, let's tackle Edith, as she didn't have much to do this week, although she did wear THE UGLIEST AND MOST CONFOUNDING THING, which you shall see shortly. (This, however, I think is rather good, as is Cora's house jacket.) Anyway, Edith is trying to figure out what to do with herself; she has issues with the editor of her NewspaperMagazine -- he doesn't like working for a woman; I hope she solves this problem for him by firing him -- and she can't decide whether or not to keep Michael Gregson: Dead (?) Nazi Fighter's flat or what. Eventually, she basically announces she's going to make a life on her own, to which I say: Good for you! Go meet someone young and hot and hope he doesn't, like, accidentally drown in the Thames, while you run the hell out of this MagazineNewspaper! Live, Edith! LIVE!
Downton Lounging
BTW, I start every day like this. Don't you? And to the matter at hand: Mary's Blackmailer. She is bold, and she is dumb. She talks her way into Mary's bedroom first thing in the morning, and she talks a very big game, and all I keep thinking is that this is a super great way to have yourself murdered. The Bitter Lower Class Blackmailer almost ALWAYS gets killed by the Rich Toff With Secrets To Keep. Don't you read any books, Blackmailer? In other news: Mary's bathrobe is GREAT, as you'll see on the next slide, and there is this wonderful small moment where The Blackmailer takes a bite of Mary's toast, and then tosses it aside with disdain, and the look on Mary's face is like, "HOW DARE YOU TREAT MY TOAST SO DISRESPECTFULLY." Like that is the absolute worst thing this woman has done to date. (I will say that I think the actress playing The Blackmailer was quite good, but she looked so much like Sarah Bunting: Unsatisfying Mealy Apple that I suspect he was very nearly cast in that role, and they brought her back and gave her some work in this one.)
Downton Insults.
See? I am relieved that this show is continuing its rich tradition of great dressing gowns. (This is the look on Lady Mary's face when she realizes she is dealing with a person who DOES NOT RESPECT TOAST.)
Downton EDITH
I TOLD YOU SHE WORE SOMETHING AWFUL. I can't even figure out what that IS. Is it a VEST? EDITH. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. (I am, however, always delighted by Michael Gregson's gorgeous flat where, here, Edith notes that she once briefly met Virginia Woolf, and Aunt Rosamund offers basically no helpful advice at all.)
Downton Pay-offs
Back at Downton, the Blackmailer eventually talks her way into see Lord G -- right before Carson was about to toss her out on her ass; steely Carson is a delight -- and when Mary gets home, she learns that Lord G actually got it right this time, and that, as I mentioned, the Blackmailer is real dumb She signed a confession of blackmail (!!) and he gave her fifty pounds, but told her that if Mary's Sexcapades ended up in the paper, he was taking said confession to the police. And somehow this makes him decide that Mary will be good at doing Tom's job now that Tom is living in Boston and coaching the Celtics. (I don't know. It's not clear what he's doing for work.) This is...patently ridiculous. Having the intestinal fortitude to allow yourself to be blackmailed does not mean you know jack shit about running an estate. That said, Mary DOES know how to run the estate and I'm sure everything will be fine, but that was exactly the kind of great reasoning that led Lord G into losing all of their money in a Ponzi scheme that one time.
Downton Denker
FYI: I am sure it will shock you to hear that one of the subplots of this season is These, Our Changing Times. Namely, Lord G is pretty sure they're going to have to let some staff go (not even because they're poor, but mostly because it seems weirdo to him to have so many people working for him In This Modern Era), and this is causing a great deal of consternation that I am certain will bleed over the entire season. That said, this week, it led to a plotline between Violet's lady's maid, Denker here, and her butler, Spratt, which was totally delightful and satisfying. All three of those actors are great -- Spratt makes me laugh just walking into frame. Essentially, Lord G makes all these noises to Carson about how they're going to have to let people go at some vague point in some mythical future, and he says as much to Violet, as well. And Violet comes home and tells this to Denker, but makes her promise not to tell anyone. And Denker promptly goes over to Downton and is like, "Aren't you all worried about being let go? OH DIDN'T YOU KNOW WHOOPS GOTTA GO BYE," and then goes home and does the exact same thing to Spratt (noting that Violet cannot live without a cook, or a lady's maid, but she could totally do without a butler). I love Denker. She is THE WORST.
Downton Spratt
And when Spratt spills to Violet that Denker has spilled to him, Violet -- OBVIOUSLY -- makes Denker pay for all this, by brilliantly intimating that, actually, it is SHE who shall be jobless. "I'll miss you. OOH, forget I said that," she purrs. It's great. (She points out that Isobel, after all, manages to dress and underdress herself all alone.) Denker goes scampering off in a chastened tizzy -- Spratt intones that he has a copy of The Lady that she can use to look for a new job -- and, in the Mic Drop of the episode, Violet tells Isobel that "sometimes it's good to rule by fear." (She isn't even going to actually fire Denker. She's just effing with her. NEVER CHANGE, DOWAGER COUNTESS.)
Downton Isobel
Isobel -- who was really just there to make sure their Hospital Disagreements aren't going to ruin their friendship -- is, as you can imagine, mostly amused by getting to be yet another prop in one of Violet's household machinations. She's also wearing an excellent coat.
Downton Rubber-Necking
In other news: Remember when Daisy married William The Tragically Dead Footman, and then spent a lot of time visiting his father on his farm, generally whilst wearing HIDEOUS hats? Turns out the estate next door (or whatever), which owns said farm, is being sold, and Mr. Mason is being (potentially) evicted. He asks for Lord G's help, and it all comes to pass that said Estate Sale is both the sale of the estate and, like, an estate sale: These beloved neighbors we've never seen before are selling all their shit, and everyone from Downton goes over to eyeball this/pick up some sweet art at a discount/see if they can save Mr. Mason's farm for him. And, I must note, it's a bit hilarious. Bless Julian Fellowes, but subtlety is not his strong suit. The Estate Seller does everything short of scream "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE" to Lord G. He's all, "our way of life IS DEAD" and "YOU'LL BE NEXT" and "EVERYTHING IS OVER LIFE AS WE KNEW IT IS UNTENABLE WE CANNOT GO ON!" and "IN 20 YEARS ALL THESE HOUSES WILL BE INSTITUTIONS EVEN YOURS EVEN DOWNTON PRECIOUS DOWNTON ABBEY," like, we get it. At least four people from Downton note that this could be them, this will be them, what if this is them, etc. etc. etc., so just prepare yourself for Lady Mary to sell the estate at the end of the series. At least everyone's hats are FANTASTIC while this is happening.
Downton Daisy
Well, maybe not this one. Although it is an improvement on history! Anyway, whilst at the estate sale, Daisy goes all Sarah Bunting: Unruly Cowlick on the new owner, REALLY reading him the riot act about evicting tenant farmers who've lived and worked there for YEARS and the reason it works here when it didn't in last season's Dinner Parties From Hell is that Daisy is totally right and also we love and know Daisy, so we're automatically sympathetic to her, and also she's not a guest at this dude's personal dinner party but attending a public event. Daisy may have learned maths from Sarah Bunting: Ink-Stained Fingertips, but she has a wee bit more sense of occasion than her teacher when it comes to these things.
Downton New Neighbors
THAT SAID. The Downtonites are horrified by her outburst and it seems to have hurt poor Mr. Mason's cause more than helped it. I must confess that I had hope that The New Owner was going to turn out to be a socialist (because of the beard) and be all, "Why, young lady, you are right. I merely turn out these farmers to give them the opportunity to BUY their land. I APPRECIATE YOUR MOXIE." But no, he's a total dick about the whole thing. And there's this whole yada yada about whether or not Daisy will get fired over this -- Carson thinks she ought to be, but Lord G and Cora rightly note that she should just be reprimanded and she DOES feel terrible. Personally, I like Loudmouth Outburst Daisy SO MUCH MORE than lovelorn Daisy. Can we keep her?
Downton Cheers
It is post-Estate Sale that we finally actually get the news that The Murder of Mr. Green is finally solved, and everyone is delighted and runs down to the servants quarters and opens a bottle or four of Veuve and toasts to the fact that, once again, one or more of their servants has been cleared on murder charges. (I will also note that there were A LOT of lines in these scenes in the manner of, "Thank God this is finally over," and, "Don't you feel like this has dragged on FOREVER!!!" that felt like they had to be tongue-in-cheek about this particular storyline. Fellowes hardly ever does that sort of self-referential, meta stuff with Downton [and thank God; it's not that sort of show] but I think it was called for here, and it was gently amusing. Cheers, indeed!)
Downton Snacking
And this party down in the basement gives us a very charming scene with Cora and Lord G, where he's rummaging around in the fridge and they're eating chicken drumsticks and being cute. I love Lord G when he isn't trying to be in charge of anyone's financial or medical decisions.
Downton KISSING
AND FINALLY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: KISSING.
This scene was lovely. Mrs. Hughes and Carson FINALLY talk about The Patmore Conversations, and Carson is like, "Well, I totally understand that you don't want to marry me now that you know I'M A BASE ANIMAL WHO WANTS YOUR BODY," more or less, and starts planning how to let the staff know they're breaking up, and Mrs Hughes is like -- I paraphrase -- "You are a lunatic. LET'S GET IT ON." Except in Mrs. Hughes speak, which means she says, "I was afraid I would be a disappointment to you. That I couldn't hope to please you as I am now. But if you're sure?" And he says he has never been so sure of anything, and she says, "Well, then, Mr. Carson, if you want me, you can have me -- to quote Oliver Cromwell -- warts and all." And then they make out, because NOTHING is more romantic than Cromwell. To which I say: YAY AND AT LAST.