Downton Wardrobe
These two old bats are highly amusing in this opening scene — when Mrs Patmore notes that Mrs Hughes is hovering on the brink of wedded bliss, Mrs Hughes notes that it’s been ages since she was on the brink of anything, “other than the grave;” Mrs Patmore explaining to Mrs Hughes how a catalog works, and Mrs Hughes being like, “DUH” — and the long and the short of it is that the Carson/Hughes wedding is on the very near horizon and Mrs Hughes hates her dress and hates the plans but is being resigned to both, in her sensible Hughesian way. And Mrs Patmore, whose meddling in the sexual well-being of her friends/co-workers went so well, begins to wonder if she might need to meddle in their reception plans as well.
Downton Dusting
I laughed out loud at this small moment of Violet checking for dust. Other than that, all you need to know about this scene is that the Question of the Hospital continues; Violet wonders if Lord G could maybe just never discuss it with Cora, and he notes that it might be difficult to pull that off, given that they're married. “I know several couples who are QUITE HAPPY and haven’t spoken in years," Violet announces.
(At this moment, allow me to confess that while I understand Isobel's position on The Great Hospital Debate of 1925 [she's pro], I have no idea what Isobel’s position actually IS at the hospital — alminder? Almonder? Olmindar? Ollivander? — because I don’t know the word and am simultaneously far too lazy to look it up. To me she is like Chandler Bing. She is the Transponster of the Downton Village Cure-U-All, and that’s good enough for me. There. Now you know.)
Downton Philately
Of course Spratt collects stamps. “I think it’s silly,” Denker sniffs. “It’s because you understand NOTHING,” he grits in response.
This week, the Dowager Countess’s Servants Drama is as follows: Spratt’s nephew has been in prison, and is now on the lam, and the police think Spratt is assisting him in fleeing from the police, because EVERYONE IN DOWNTON GOES ON THE LAM and the whole town is apparently a hot bed of escaped criminals and also potential murderers. The ins and outs of the judicial system of this village are nearly as fraught with misconduct and wild accusations as Making a Murderer. Just so you know, it all comes to pass that Denker is (quite amusingly) suspicious that Spratt is helping his Scofflaw Nephew (hiding him, obviously, in the potting shed), but does not sell him out to the fuzz, although she tortures him the entire time about it, and might be vaguely blackmailing him, which, honestly, seems just about right. I’ve decided that I also want THESE TWO to get married.
Downton Pregnancy
There is, naturally, yet another problem with Edith's editor, and she has to storm up to London again. "I can’t think why she doesn’t just sack the wretched man, and find someone else, unless she enjoys rushing up to London in a swirl of crisis and drama," Lady Mary narrates to Anna, and (a) of course she does. Edith secretly THRILLS to drama. Remember when she was in love with that burn victim con-man? Or the time she had the affair with the dude who couldn't marry her because his crazy wife was locked in the closet AND MIGHT STILL BE THERE, FOR ALL WE KNOW? Or the time she gamboled with the farmer? Or the time she ruined that OTHER farmer's life by making him foster her child and then taking it back? EDITH LOVES DRAMA. And (b) Lady Mary and I are of one mind on this, because we are both cold practical bitches who appreciate a good haircut and who are dying to know where the hell Matthew Goode is already, and both of us would storm into that office and sack that pain-in-the-ass editor and get on with it. In other news, Mary’s had “rather a sad letter from Branson,” whose gig coaching the Celtics (????? I'm assuming) has apparently not worked out, since he’s written that all he does now is have dreams about Downton and cry in his sleep.
Branson news thus imparted, Mary then wonders what's the latest with Anna's uterus, and Anna says she MIGHT be pregnant? “Lord knows, the problem isn’t Bates,” is Mary’s VERY DELIGHTED reaction and, Mary, please never make me think about Bates’s sperm motility again, thanks. Mary next basically tells Anna to stop working and go sit down and let that embryo latch the hell on, but Anna doesn’t want to rouse Bates's suspicion because OF COURSE SHE DOESN’T, because she and Bates never tell each other anything because they're both terrified of causing the other any sort of feelings, ever. Anyway, Mary is totally thrilled, and can’t wait to make up some reason for them to “whizz up to London” in three months so Anna can get her cervix sewn shut. (Anna is, predictably, a bit more measured in her enthusiasm.)
Downton Wedding Planning
Isobel comes up to dinner, and we get the following rather delicious exchange: “I don’t want Cousin Violet to think I’m plotting against her.” “Aren’t you?” “Yes. But I don’t want her to know.” Well plotted, Isobel, but trust me: VIOLET KNOWS EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.
Anyway, after dinner, Cora basically forces Mrs Hughes to admit in front of everyone that she doesn’t WANT a Downton wedding, she wants a Big Fat Servant’s Wedding, with a real meal (at this, Mary is like, “WHO EATS ANYMORE?”) and essentially a entire to-do that’s unsuitable for the Great Hall, and she, indeed, gets her way because Cora steamrolls over anyone else's possible objections. Which, good for Mrs Hughes (and Cora is correct to help her pave the way), but I sort of wish they could have worked this out without Cora having to intervene after Mrs Patmore puts a bug in her ear. That said, Mrs Patmore is REALLY proving to be quite facile at negotiating people’s interpersonal issues, which bodes well for Mrs Hughes ever being able to take a honeymoon without worrying herself to death that someone's going to get stuck in some spot of psycho-sexual blackmail without anyone there to supervise tossing the blackmailer down the well.
Downton Contractually Obligated Gallery View
Later, Mary tells Carson that she is worried he’s being denied his just desserts, but he assures her that as long as she’s at the wedding, that’s good enough for him. I really do love the platonic love affair between these two uptight old cranks, especially as a fellow uptight old crank.
Downton Upgrade
So, EvilButler.com has an interview at this glorious old pile, which is a shithole in this incarnation, but which surely is not actually a shithole in reality (I thought this exterior was Blenheim at first glance, but now I think it might not be. It's 2am as I type this; I'm going to trust one of you sharp-eyed readers to ID it for me properly.) It seems that it's really fallen apart since the lady of the house has died, and the owner's sons were killed in the war -- but also it’s basically an excuse for Julian Fellowes to give us long, loving shots of deserted beautiful old rooms, which is basically his jam in general.
Downton House Tours
That said, new material for the Aerial Shot of a Gallery Gallery is not something about which I will ever complain. As you know, old houses are also MY jam. Anyhoodle, this old sad man now rattles around this beautiful old house by himself and it’s actually really beautifully shot and very melancholy. The owner has no staff left and lives very much in the past and is slightly delusional about the future and also concerned that Thomas is a Republican and, essentially, in case you haven’t heard, Times Are Changing and It’s Hard Out There For a Butler, evil or otherwise.
Downton Grand Houses
Snarkiness aside, this subplot was very well done -- this shot alone was worth it, really. I don’t know if we needed the storyline in the episode prior to this for us to understand that Thomas’s job prospects are grim, post-war, because this was very eloquent on that subject in a way that last week’s detour was not. That said, Julian Fellowes never made a point once when he could make it five times, so I'm not sure why I'm surprised.
Downton GO EDITH
Edith runs into that dude she met at Lord Sinderbey’s! The one I wanted her to hook up with, Bertie The Agent! He remembers details about her and is complimentary about her Modern Lifestyle and asks her to get a drink with him later and is generally lovely. MARRY THIS NICE COMPLIMENTARY MAN, EDITH.
Downton KISS EACH OTHER
And, in fact, Edith’s NewspaperMagazine Editor continues to be The Worst, and, to the delight of his secretary eavesdropping outside, she FINALLY FIRES HIM. But she has to get the proofs to the printer by 4am, and she has to do it herself (because...no one else works there?). “I refuse to be defeated by a petulant and overweight tyrant,” she says. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE, EDITH? THINK OF YOUR LONELY VAGINA. And, indeed, she runs out and tells Lovely Bertie The Agent about her work drama, and he comes back to the office with her and helps her. EDITH. THIS MAN IS HELPING YOU WITH A DEADLINE BY BRINGING YOU COFFEE AND SANDWICHES AND GIVING YOU CLEVER EDITORIAL ADVICE AND BEING LOVELY TO YOU. You must marry him. All I want in the world is a helpful kind man who brings me coffee and sandwiches whilst I am on deadline.
Downton Study Session
Let’s deal with Daisy now; Molesley helps her study for her exams, and also lets it slip that he thinks Mr Mason might get Yew Tree Farm now that Edith’s Shenanigans with the Pig Farmers have led to them being forced to flee the premises. Daisy assumes this is a done deal. It is not. Although things have not gotten to the Hella Awkward Stage with regards to this, we're on that train speeding into the station. Someone PLEASE GOD needs to pull Daisy aside and tell her that she needs to learn when to keep her yap zipped.
Downton Cranky Meetings
Hospital update: Cora approves of them merging with the Royal Yorkshire. Violet and Dr. Clarkson are pissed, and he and Isobel bicker that he’s only against this merger because it will make him a small fish in a big pond, which is TRUE but probably an unkind thing to say.
“Did you DRINK at luncheon?” is Violet’s query, when Isobel says this. “NO I DID NOT,” Isobel snaps. “Which you know very well, since we were together.” Violet sniffs. "Not all the time," she says.
Downton Vests
I thought you should know that (a) Edith is wearing this thing, (b) Lord G is VERY proud of her work with the NewspaperMagazine, which is gratifying, and (c) earlier in the episode, he also wondered if Mary might figure out the Marigold thing. I want to give Lord G credit for what seemed like a throwaway line there, but probably isn't NO SPOILERS.
Downton Wardrobe Betrayal
There’s been much chatter about getting Mrs Hughes an appropriate wedding gown. For example, Mrs Patmore orders one, but it proves hideous. Mary tries to save the day by loaning Mrs Hughes one of Cora’s coats to be married in, but doesn’t TELL Cora and of course Cora walks in on Mrs Hughes trying it on, and the music is all DUM DUM DUM DRAMAAAAA and Cora is pissed about it and cranky from her hospital meeting and kicks them all out of her room and this feels totally manufactured. Mary would have told Cora, and if she hadn’t told Cora, Cora’s reaction would be, “oh, lord, I can’t believe she didn’t tell me. Of course you can borrow something!” Even in her cranky mood, this seemed out of character to me. It was just an annoying meeting with Violet. No one even accused HER of drinking (although the running throughline in this hospital plot vis a vis Cora IS that everyone seems to think she might be too stupid to have a real opinion, which IS rude).
Downton Cranky
Anyway, Anna tells Mary about this and Mary feels terrible, and storms upstairs and scolds her mother for being such a B about the entire thing. And Lord G is like, “well, my mother accused your mother-in-law of drinking at their meeting. You know, the usual,” and Mary says, “does that excuse insulting a woman who has served us faithfully for many years, who simply wanted something nice to be married in?” INDEED.
Downton Coat Offerings
...And so Cora, of course, comes downstairs and admits she behaved badly and apologizes very sincerely and gives Mrs Hughes a fur, and everything is going to be fine and that crisis, which should never have been a crisis in the first place, was averted.
Downton Brides
Before we get to church, there is some very charming conversation between Carson and Mrs Hughes about how they have to be careful not to see each other the night before the wedding. I personally always thought it was just the day of the wedding, but regardless, they’re very sweet, and it’s very sweet to see them each go to bed alone FOR THE LAST TIME, and then wake up to find their friends helping them -- Baxter and Anna and Mrs Patmore dressing Mrs Hughes; Molesley and even Thomas acting as ushers for Carson -- and then, YAY, they get married. I, of course, cried. (There is a bagpipe. I’m only human.)
Downton Guests
Everyone looks lovely -- I love Mary's coat -- and Mary doesn't appear to be thinking, "I remember when I got married here and was so happy, before my vagina claimed its second victim, my most favorite of its victims," and Edith doesn't appear to be remembering the time a huge-toothed old man left her here at the altar.
Downton Guests
Likewise, I am pleased to inform you that Daisy's Out of the House Hats are 35% less hideous than in years past.
Downton Hospital Yada
And as everyone files out, Isobel apologizes to Dr Clarkson for being snitty with him -- “I was exasperated with Lady Grantham and you got in the way,” she says -- and he wonders if maybe Isobel is right, after all. When he tells Violet that he thinks maybe they ought to reconsider merging with the Royal Yorkshire/Town/Ville/Whatever, Violet sniffs, “IN MY EXPERIENCE, SECOND THOUGHTS ARE VASTLY OVERRATED,” and then sweeps out, leaving a mic on the ground for him to trip over.
Downton K-I-S-S-I-N-G
I cannot tell you how relieved I am to note that this episode involved kissing. But, seriously, are we calling her Mrs Carson now? I can't do that.
Downton Toasts
At the reception, Mary apologizes if she made things more difficult, and Mrs Hughes (I can’t) notes that Carson would forgive Mary if she “attacked him with a brick.” That seems like a thing that might happen at some point, to be honest. Mary WOULD regret it, though.
Also at the reception, Bates and Anna are eyerollingly schmoopy; The Nameless Schoolmaster notes that he thinks Molesley has missed his vocation, as he has taught Daisy so well, and Molesley molesleys that he’s “missed everything, but Daisy doesn’t have to;” Daisy proves what I told you earlier about her being A MORON and has told Mr Mason that he’s getting The Pig Farm, though that is NOT settled; Carson tells everyone he’s the happiest and luckiest of men and he’s unworthy of the fine love of his glorious bride, and I cried a little bit AGAIN because CARSON, I LOVE YOU; and then...
BRANSON!!!!!!!!
...BRANSON SHOWS UP WITH SYBIE JUST IN TIME FOR THE TOASTS AND YOU GUYS I TOTALLY BURST INTO TEARS and also clapped with delight. I have never been so pleased to be unspoiled. I really didn’t think he was coming back in this episode. (I suspected we might see him again, given that Alan Leech has done a ton of PR for this season, but not so soon!) BEST WEDDING PRESENT EVER. In fact, were I to get married, I want to register for a Branson.
“I’ve come back and I’d like to stay for good," he tells everyone, all of whom are THRILLED to see him. "If Lord Grantham will have me,” he adds, and OF COURSE HE WILL. (But what is Mary going to do for work now?) Branson continues to say that he had to go all the way to Boston to realize that Downton is his home, and they are his family. “I didn’t know that before I left. I know it now," he announces, as all the children hug and I totally cry. Never leave me again, Branson!