Downton HIDEOUS
Let's not pretend this isn't the reason we're all here, after all. I was always going to open with this. Why is this not my view across the dinner table, I ask you, other than the two barely pertinent details that he's fictional and I'm not a time-traveller?
Downton Hideous, Part II
HIDEOUS! And back to the beginning, where Branson is strolling the land, where I assume the Gutenberg bible is perhaps stashed beneath a tree, for safe-keeping, much in the manner of the Immunity Idol on Survivor? Just a theory.
Downton Breakfast
At the Breakfast Reset, Branson continues to be perfect, as he addresses several of y’all’s notes from last week, worrying that he stole Carson and Mrs Hughes’s thunder (he’s assured he did not), and then explains that his job coaching the Celtics (presumably) was really stressful and he’s happy to be back in England. We learn that: there’s some question as to who will be the agent, now that Branson is back; the hospital row continues apace; and…that’s really it. This is one of those weeks where a majority of the scenes are so short as to be barely even scenes. You don’t really notice it until you’re recapping it — this episode just felt like it moved along, when I was watching it — but this show sometimes crams so much in that we only get a line or two in each place. Fellowes is not, shall we say, a fan of letting things breathe.
Downton Business Casual
In which we learn that Branson totally isn’t married to the idea of being the agent, that he’s still not wild about the monarchy as a concept, and that he’s REALLY into American capitalism, especially that whole self-made-man archetype we've got working. He hopes that doesn’t make things awkward for Mary, and she tells him that they all want what he wants. With one quasi-exception: “No more Miss Buntings, if you have any pity. But even in that, don’t please us. Please yourself.” No, Tom, on that front PLEASE LISTEN TO MARY. NO MORE MISS BUNTING: EYEBROW PSORIASIS, PLEASE.
Downton SERIOUSLY AGAIN
Don’t we think that the police of Downton are starting to side-eye the fact that SOMEONE up there is always in trouble with the law? This time, it’s Baxter, and she’s not exactly in trouble. Remember how she stole a bunch of jewels for some hot jerkweed and he let her take the fall? Well, Hot Jerkweed is back and ruining the lives of women all over the country, and the cops would like her to testify against him to show a pattern of behavior. And she hesitates (because, of course, this means that everyone will know she was once a jewel thief in thrall to a hot jerkweed), but Molesley eventually talks her into doing the right thing. Along the way, Mrs Patmore gets butt-hurt because Baxter would rather have Molesley with her when being questioned by the cops rather than Patmore, which is really absurd. Mrs Patmore, OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER! (Which Thomas also points out, to Baxter, and she’s all, “Oh please,” but, really, we all have eyes.) Additionally, Bates and Anna make some crack about how they’re relieved that for once the police aren’t there for them and I have to say: TOO SOON, YOU GUYS.
Downton Misguided Puffy Shirts
In which Secretly Pregnant Anna says Bates has been eyeing her body, and thinks she “ate all the pies,” due to her Secretly Pregnant Weight Gain. Mary and her very prim white turtleneck that she stole from the touring company of Two Gentleman of Verona obviously thinks this whole Don’t Tell Bates I’m Pregnant Until I’m Sure It’s Fine plan is bonkers, but manages not to say so and instead helpfully finagles a way out of Anna having to do any manual labor in front of Bates, whose main role in this entire plotline is to make that smug, wise look he makes when he knows what's happening but chooses to let you remain silent about it.
Downton Tea Time
As regards the issue of The Hospital, I’m sure you’ll be relieved to know that Julian Fellowes gets to use Violet as a mouthpiece for his own personal beliefs about the dangers of socialized medicine, but also that no one else seems to listen to her (although she gets several bon mots). In the name of winning this fight -- which, if they're putting the vote to the board, I think is already lost -- she brings in what she thinks are reinforcements in the form of Lady Shackleton, whom I LOVE, because she’s played by Harriet Walter, who you probably remember for being the best at being THE WORST in Sense and Sensibility as Fanny Dashwood, though she’s been in everything (including The Force Awakens). She is A HOOT and she also doesn’t really agree with Violet, which Violet finds HIGHLY AGGRAVATING.
Downton Daisy
Let me deal with Daisy, as ever, in one fell swoop. She is ENRAGED when she decides Mr Mason isn’t getting Yew Tree Farm DESPITE THE FACT THAT NO ONE EVER TOLD HER ANYTHING ONE WAY OR THE OTHER (at one point, Mrs Patmore calls her “Karl Marx,” and “Madame Defarge” which was very amusing) and goes basically slightly mental, even sputtering to Branson that Mr Mason’s son, HER HUSBAND, died for this country and DOESN’T THAT MEAN SOMETHING and yes, it does, but don’t go pretending that you and William were actually married married, Daisy, especially to a person whose legit spouse who he actually loved is ALSO dead. The fact that William used to work at Downton ought to be enough. And, in fact, it is: Cora realized that giving the farm to Mr Mason is the right thing to do (she falls back on the old question, What Would Sybil Do?) and there you go. All sorted, and just before Daisy really gives Cora a raging piece of her mind. Now, normally I would argue that the really interesting thing to do would be to have Daisy tell Cora off with great intensity, and then have Cora inform Daisy that actually she’s got it all wrong — so awkward! So much conflict! — but I suppose we’ve seen Daisy Tells Someone Off About This With Great Intensity about fifty times already. So, just this once, I will give Julian Fellowes a pass for opting for the path of least dramatic conflict Anyway, good for Mr Mason. He’s set. In fact, he announces that he’s really relieved that now he knows where he will die. So….uh, congrats?
Downton HELLO
La la la look who's FINALLY HERE (he’s Lady Shackleton’s nephew and they're all over for a Traditional Argumentative Downton Dinner, because Downton's favorite way to flirt is by rolling eyes over people being hella rude at the dinner table). And he chats all over the place about his job driving cars at very high -- in fact, dangerous -- speeds and Mary is VERY TWITCHY about this, and no one says anything or even looks at her and it’s so bizarre. Additionally, Henry Talbot is very sexy and also the TINIEST bit condescending, to which Mary responds very well because like is drawn to like.
Downton Chats
This entire conversation was brilliant; Harriet Walter is as good with Maggie Smith as Penelope Wilton is. They’re talking about Henry as a match for Mary – his prospects are “adequate but not overwhelming” — and Lord G (who, make a note, suffers from “indigestion” throughout so SOMETHING is brewing there) scolds them for plotting. “Really, Robert, you paint me as such a schemer,” Violet tells him. “No one has sharper eyes than a loving son,” he says, and she accuses him of having read that somewhere. “Why do you never think I can make anything up?!” Poor Robert is aggrieved. And probably suffering from something that will require hospitalization, bringing Violet around on the matter of the hospital.
Downton Fights
Because every dinner at Downton involves an argument, this one gets into the melee about -- yes -- the aforementioned hospital (what, did you think it was going to be about current events?) Lady Shackleton won’t back up Violet, who is VERY IRKED by this, as you can imagine, as well as Isobel pressing the matter. “I suppose Cousin Isobel is entitled to put up an argument,” Edith offers. “Of course she is. SHE’S JUST NOT ENTITLED TO WIN IT,” is Violet’s response.
Downton Headbands
Just thought you'd like to know that Edith -- here telling a bemused Tom that Violet is "a tyrant" -- looks very pretty in this dress and headpiece. (Tom's consistent love of the Dowager Countess is one of my favorite things about him.)
Downton Delicious
Mary also looks AMAZING in this gold sequined dress that I wish someone would wear to the SAGs, as she and Henry Talbot flirt and she doesn't tell him that her vagina is deadly and its favorite weapon is the motor vehicle.
Downton HELLO AGAIN
Yes, just taking photos of Matthew Goode indiscriminately now. Wait. What was I talking about? I don't know. Just look at him!
Downton Digits
In which Henry Talbot gives Mary his digits and she reminds him that she doesn’t care about cars AT ALL, and he says, “That’s because you haven’t been taught about them. Properly.” OR IT’S BECAUSE ONE KILLED HER HUSBAND I DON’T KNOW MAYBE IT’S THAT.
This is a very ridiculous way to create conflict between them. This show is almost over. Why don't we just have them immediately BESOTTED with each other and get on with it? (All that said, please do not misunderstand me: I am THRILLED that Matthew Goode has arrived and he is eons better than any of Mary's other post-Matthew suitors. AT LAST this show has solved its Handsome Man Deficit.)
Downton Area Rugs
Gotta get in all our aerial shots, you know.
Downton Assembly
So! Do you remember when Rose Leslie was Housemaid Gwen and Sybil finagled it to get her a job out of service? I didn’t, really, but she’s back! She’s come with her husband, who is treasurer at a college for “promising women of modest background,” for which Rosamund (and now Edith) serves as trustee, and they’ve come For Reasons, but primarily so that (a) Gwen can remind everyone that Sybil was the best, (b) Isobel can be deliciously and perfectly Isoebellian in support of jobs for and education of women, and (c) EvilButler.com can take the fact that the family can’t quite place Gwen's face as a way to quasi-humiliate her at lunch, in a move that totally backfires, because it’s super transparent, it makes him look like an ass, it makes the family look terrible, and Gwen handles it very adeptly.
Downton Thomas
Oh, Thomas. You know nothing.
My real issue with Thomas lately is that his evil is very half-hearted and I worry he's turning into a bit of a sad sack, which is no fun for any of us. To wit: He constantly tries to hang out with Footman Andy and Footman Andy consistently rejects his overtures (which he claims are friendly, which would be more believable if Thomas was EVER a friend to anyone, really, although nor do I think Thomas is hot for Andy, who has the lazy appeal of a lukewarm roll). I don't know if I'm supposed to feel bad for him, but I have no idea what Thomas sees in or wants from Andy specifically, and it's just starting to make him look sad. If that's the intention, okay, but Thomas: Sad Loser, is much less fun than Thomas: Evil Butler.com, or even Thomas: Formerly Evil Butler Emotionally Changed By That Time He Saved Edith From a Fire, or whatever. Is his character arc really going to be from Evil Plotty Mastermind to Out-Moded Sad Sack? THAT'S NOT SATISFYING.
Downton Misguided
I felt you should know that Mary wore this hideous shirt. You need more color next to your face, Mar.
Downton Dressing Gowns
Mary is excellent in a crisis, and also in this dressing gown. When Anna starts cramping, Mary makes up some wacky story about how she has to go to London IMMEDIATELY for a medical issue that’s SUPER PRESSING and also SUDDEN but not at all DANGEROUS and for some reason NO ONE in her immediate family seems at all concerned by a story that’s clearly bullshit, or offers to go with her instead of Anna. So Mary and Branson — to whom Mary has confided the truth, because Branson is trustworthy and wonderful — ferry Anna to London to see The Fancy Lady Doctor, who stitches up her Unemployable Cervix (or whatever) and saves her pregnancy. (Mary also pays for the entire thing, obviously.)
Downton Hats
Her going-to-London-for-a- BS-reason hat is good, too. Anyway, this would be so much more thrilling if (a) I wasn’t totally over The Endless Turmoil of the Bates Family and (b) I didn’t find Anna keeping this huge secret from Bates super annoying. (Tom agrees, noting that Anna should have told Bates. But don’t worry, Tom! They’ll never have any kind of interesting emotional argument about this which is satisfying in any way!) That couple has been through TWO instances of being accused of MURDER and THROWN INTO JAIL. Surely at this point, Bates can handle some worrying about Anna’s health, and Anna deserves to have a spouse who can be supportive of her when she needs support rather than someone to whom she cannot tell anything because she is apparently in a constant state of concern that his head will explode. MARY AGREES WITH ME, I JUST KNOW IT.
Downton Flooring
MORE aerial shots! ALL THE AERIAL SHOTS. (As much as I joke about this show's obsession with shooting down into a room, I do enjoy them. It's the best way to eyeball the decor! How else can I truly get a sense of the great flooring in all these places?)
Downton Dates
Henry Talbot is double charming at dinner — telling Mary she’s “the opposite of shabby” in Rosamund’s clothes, and when she tells him she actually -- GASP -- enjoys working, he informs her that he’s “extremely impressed.” He then wonders if she’s “rather at a loose end,” and she wonders if this means he’s “boiling up to make a pass.” Here's hoping. “Probably,” he says. “But will you accept?” Mary smirks. “No. But I shall enjoy the process enormously.” These two are going to have very arch conversations for the rest of their lives (I ASSUME NO SPOILERS BUT WHO CASTS MATTHEW GOODE IF NOT TO MARRY HIM [well, The Good Wife, I guess]).
Downton Dining
BLATANTLY just plying you with Matthew Goode shots now, really. WHY are they always in such dark places? PLEASE put Matthew Goode in direct sunlight posthaste.
Downton Congrats
I’m so thrilled this exciting moment where Bates finds out that he and Anna are having a baby happens IN THE CORNER OF THE SERVANTS HALL, when EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE, where they can’t even kiss. GREAT PLANNING! I know I bang on about this all the time, but seriously, will someone please speak to Julian Fellowes about his habit of having emotional or interesting scenes off-screen, or avoided? This scene was interrupted, all the first moments of Carson and Mrs Hughes’s married life happened off-screen; WHY does this show so often side-step potentially awesome emotional set-pieces? It drives me bonkers, especially because we learned when Sybil died that they’re capable of doing them very well. Not that I need to see Carson and Mrs Hughes getting it on, but it might have been interesting to see them waking up the next morning. How do they feel? Are they happy? Is this weird for them? THERE ARE EMOTIONAL QUESTIONS WE’LL NEVER HAVE ANSWERED.
In other servant-y/sex-related news: I really hope Mrs Patmore finds love — oooh, can we set her up with Mr Mason?! They’re perfect for each other, right? Just this week she was complaining that Mrs Hughes now “knows the secret of the universe,” and she does not, and while I’m not sure I’d classify sex with Mr Mason as being on par with getting the key to the secret of the universe (seems like a lot of pressure on the old man), I’m totally in favor of more characters getting it on. More people in more shows should make out more, is my motto.
Downton Side-Eye
I just had to include this amazing side-eye from Cora.
Downton Side-Eye Two
As well as the matching ones on display here. (Of course, this is the Continuing Question of the Hospital, and Violet is banging on about blah blah time blah blah change blah blah control blah blah our children will regret socialized medicine, etc.)
Downton Blah Blah Blah
Dear God, let this hospital question be settled. Violet has literally brought up the Magna Carta. That said, I must give Isobel the Mic Drop of the week for the following: Everyone is going to the kitchen to welcome back Carson and Mrs Hughes (she is keeping her maiden name for convenience sake) and Violet tells Isobel that she hasn’t been in the kitchen in 20 years. “Have you got your passport?” Isobel chirps. Because she is the best.
Downstairs, Edith announces she’s looking for a woman to co-edit her NewspaperMagazine and Violet snorts that the next thing you know, we’ll have “a woman Pope,” and MARY actually says she thinks it’s a good idea. A woman editor, not a lady Pope. (She rather later dismisses this support of Edith as being an “every stopped clock is right twice a day” thing, but still. We saw this, Mary. You cannot deny it away. YOU WERE NICE TO EDITH.)
Downton Library
Speaking of, I just thought you'd like the full look at Edith's dress, while Branson explains that Mary is annoyed that they made a unilateral decision about Yew Tree Farm without her, but she'll get over it. Wait until she finds out LITERALLY EVERYONE IN THE ROOM has known about Marigold being Edith's baby except her, for years. (I assume.) I can't WAIT for Cora to waltz into her bedroom and drawl to Lord G that Mary's QUITE put out about that.
Downton Poignant
So, the Carson-Hugheses are moving into a cottage on the property -- someone we never heard of is moving in with someone we don't care about -- and Carson is very bittersweet about taking his name off the door in the house. Which is touching and lovely, because he is the best, but also....go live in your cottage exploring the key to the universe with your wife, my good man! GO LIVE!