Downton Post-Coital
First and most importantly: Mary really needs to invest in a nightgown that's a more flattering color. Can I suggest a pale pink? On the other hand, if the color of this nightdress is supposed to reflect how Mary and Lord Gillingham's Covert Week Of Banging Went, and the answer is "it was bland and colorless," then I take my hat off to you, Costumers of Downton.
Second, and of equal importance: that eiderdown is FABULOUS but these two must be very still and unmoving given that someone's dressing gown is STILL LYING THERE ON THE EDGE OF THE BED. I feel like this bodes poorly.
Downton Sexual REGRETS
I mean, seriously. Does this look like the glowing face of a woman in love and/or lust, who's just spent a romantic week rolling in the hay with the man to whom she plans to cleave, body and soul, until the day her vagina's curse visits him and takes him from this mortal coil? IT DOES NOT. And indeed, Mary spends all of this episode grappling with the fact that it's VERY AWKWARD to tell a man, "you know how I said I couldn't decide if we should get married until after we Did It? And now we've done it, and I really don't want to. Sorry about that. I didn't want to give you sexual insecurities for the rest of your life, but....here we are. Maybe Mabel Lane-Fox is still available?" It's extra awkward given that Gillingham totally assumes that she is going to marry him now and he keeps yapping on about setting a date and whatnot.
Downton Coat Porn
But regardless of all that, this coat is still everything I long for in a coat and I love it. Their assignation at an end, Gillingham sees Mary off into her car with a chaste kiss, and then looks around furtively. (He's said he doesn't care if they're rumbled, as they'll be down the aisle "before you can say Jack Robinson," but Mary tells him she's had her rep sufficiently tarnished already, thank you very much. PS: No, they won't.)
Downton Snob Spies
And it seems they escaped without notice EXCEPT WHAT HO. Across the street, 'tis SPRATT, The Dowager Countess's Snooty Butler, recently spied rudely refusing to give cake to Dr Clarkson. AND HE IS SCANDALIZED! Arguably the best part of this bit is that I think the music cue is from the part of Ghostbusters where Dana opens the fridge to find the Temple of Gozar.
Downton Breakfast Bickering
Cora is going up to London to see some art at the National Gallery with the Flirtatious Mr Bricker. Please note that this invite was also extended to Lord G, who was like, "oh, you go, boring, I can barely manage to care."
Additionally: there's some blah blah about a man in Leeds who wants to build houses on some of their land, which is not resolved in this episode and which I can only hope drags on for EPISODES AND EPISODES AND EPISODES of boring blather about real estate.
Downton Old Lady Verbal Sparring
VIOLET: Oh, what is the latest from your aging Romeo?
ISOBEL: HE HASN'T CALLED I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY I DON'T CARE.
The actual purpose of this scene, however, is merely to give all the best lines to Maggie Smith again, a habit for which I cannot fault the writers. If you have Maggie Smith, it would be almost impossible to resist giving her the MIC DROP line in every scene. For example, Isobel asks where Spratt is, and the DC explains he was off at his niece's wedding and it's been quite a trial to do without him, and Isobel notes that servants are "human beings, too," and Violet retorts, "yes. Preferably only on their days off." MIC DROP.
But arguably the best bit of that very good bit is that then Violet chortles at her own witticism and rings a bell, as if to dismiss Isobel. I do love her.
Downton RJ-C Must Be Doing Something Else This Week
Let's take care of Thomas right now: He's gone this whole episode, basically, having lied that his father is dying (his father makes a "miraculous recovery") and he needs to spend some time at home. In actuality, he's called some ad in the paper to inquire about something called CHOOSE YOUR OWN PATH, which I assume is a Ponzi scheme but which I hope means we get to watch as EvilButler.com lives out a kind of Choose Your Own Adventure where he dies at the end when, after time-travelling to long-ago southern Mexico, the Mayans rip out his heart. (I actually don't want Thomas's heart to be ripped out. That was just my favorite Choose Your Own Adventure novel.)
Downton SHUT UP JUST SHUT UP
Sarah Bunting: Ingracious Dipstick comes by Tom's office to have tea/announce that Daisy is smart and Sarah Bunting: Aggravating Faceplant wants her to sit for some exams. If anyone else was discussing these exams, I would look them up and see what they are and give you the historical info, but I mostly just want Sarah Bunting: Ridiculous Plot Device to STOP TALKING EVER. (I also want to apologize to my friend Sarah Bunting, who must suffer from having her name associated with this person. SHE is Sarah Bunting: Lovely Smart Lady.)
Downton Uh-Oh
So, here's the scoop: Some girl heard Dead Valet Green say something before he "fell" under the lorry that took his life, but she didn't see the person to whom he said the damning and shocking words, "why have you come?" And the only reason the police have come back to Downton to stir up this old pot was because Green told people at Gillingham's that they had it out for him at Downton. (Presumably because, as is obliquely put forth in a conversation between Bates and Anna later, he was covering his bases to make it seem like a lie if anyone at Downton, oh, say, accused him of something sincerely horrible). Carson is like, "huh, the only person here who really disliked him was me. NOT THAT I MURDERED HIM."
Downton Views
I really only included this shot because we hardly ever see the view outside of that particular window. There's the Folly! Hello, Folly. Is Evelyn Napier still wandering out there? I miss him.
Later in this scene, George and Sybie come in and Edith gives them her usual pained expression that no one else notices...OR DO THEY???
Downton Take Off Your Hat and Stay Awhile
In case you forgot: Rose is working with the Displaced Russian Aristos, and she's very nice and sympathetic to them all, and surely feels bad that they're all basically hanging out in the same Dickensian Workhouse into which the show essentially shovels anyone who doesn't live at Downton. She eventually decides to bring them all back to house for tea, and to show them Lord G's freaking priceless Russian artifacts that he ALSO could have sold to save the place, along with his Gutenberg Bible. (#NeverForget) YOU GUYS, THERE ARE TWO FABERGE DAMN EGGS.
Downton Downstairs
Okay, so let's take care of Mrs Patmore's plot right quick: Remember her nephew who was shot for cowardice during the War? (He had shellshock.) The mean people in her sister's village won't put him on their war memorial, and she wants to have him put on the one in their village. Mrs Hughes goes to bat for her with Carson -- Mrs Patmore points out that Hughes has Carson "wrapped around her finger," which Hughes pooh-poohs -- but Carson says no, and they're cross with each other about it. THE END.
Downton Free Skate
First of all, Violet is wearing ILLUSION NETTING. I am having the vapors. Second, this scene is hilarious in that Violet has to fairly DRAG the news that Spratt spied Mary and Gillingham at a hotel out of him -- "I do not appreciate a man of mystery. If you have something to say, say it," -- and then she announces that OF COURSE she knew all about this, because they were there for A CONFERENCE and it's TOTALLY ABOVE BOARD and if Spratt thought it was something "vulgar" and "beneath the dignity of a butler of this house," she is SHOCKED, SHOCKED. Then he scuttles off, ashamed, and she makes this face at her sherry.
Downton Scrambling
In which Mrs Hughes and Anna discuss AGAIN whether they think Bates knew that Green was Anna's rapist and if so, if he killed him. GIVE ME A BREAK. YOU GUYS TOTALLY THINK HE KILLED HIM. The entire conversation is like, "do you think he...?" "I don't know DO YOU?" "IF HE DID, maybe they won't be able to prove...?" "WHAT COULD THEY PROVE?" "I DON'T KNOW but I don't think they'd be able to prove that thing I don't think they'll be able to prove if they do try to prove it."
Downton Eyeroll
It won't surprise you to hear that Isobel is delighted by the idea of having any kind of refugees of any sort within her circle of influence; I am also going to reiterate that Cora AGAIN invites Lord G to come with her to London, AND Edith (who is babysitting Marigold), so she is 100% certainly not going up there to try to have it off with Richard E. Grant.
Downton MURDERer?
BATES: Should we take a mini-break, for fun?
ANNA: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to go to a place where no one knows us? A PLACE WHERE WE COULD ASSUME DIFFERENT NAMES AND NEW IDENTITIES? Like if one of us had DONE SOMETHING that required FLEEING? DID YOU EVER WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE BECAUSE I HAVE.
BATES: What are you even talking about?
ANNA: NOTHING.
Downton Shawl Shenanigans
In which Cora tells Baxter that if she doesn't tell her the rest of her Jewel Thief Story tomorrow, she'll fire her. OH MY GOD, the only possible way they could drag this out longer would be if Cora told Baxter to tell her ONE WORD of the story every day for the next six months.
Downton Birth Control Disposal
In which Mary is like, "Anna, I don't want to talk about anything about Lord Gillingham and also please take my cervical cap and sex book and hide them in your cottage." Anna agrees, but she's not that excited about it (she gloomily notes that she's "aiding and abetting sin" and she hopes she "won't be made to pay") and no kidding: Bates is totally going to find them and it will cause Major Bates Dramz. ALSO: I am QUITE SURE that Downton Abbey has about a kajillion more hiding places for some birth control and a book than Anna's wee little cottage. STICK IT WITH THE GUTENBERG BIBLE.
Mary does, however, assure Anna that she thinks it's very unlikely that there is any evidence of Bates killing Green, IF HE EVEN DID which come on. WE ALL THINK HE DID. (Which means he probably didn't.)
Downton Vistas
I LOVE this coat on Mary. It's purple velvet and I covet it. (Lord G has announced he's going to London to surprise Cora; Mary wisely thinks this is a bad idea. She has NO IDEA.)
Downton Beige
As much as I love the previous coat, that's how much I hate this blouse on Lady Mary. But I love this expression on Michelle Dockery's face when Spratt is all, "HOW WAS LIVERPOOL???" and Violet sweeps in and notes that she's sure Mary found THAT CONFERENCE she was attending TERRIBLY INTERESTING. Didn't she?
Downton Mic Drop
After the DC gets rid of Spratt, she gives Mary a talking to, and VERY NEARLY says that it's a "nice change" to know that at least MARY won't get knocked up. She's also very relieved to know that Gillingham has proposed (banging one's fiancee is much more elegant than just banging some dude, after all) and advises that Mary lock him down, now that she's given the milk for more or less for free. Mary's face essentially says, "meh. He can have that batch of the milk."
Downton Cora
Cora's dress, for the FINAL REVELATIONS OF BAXTER, is gorgeous.
Downton But Let's Talk About That Tapestry
As is this bedroom. Rosamund's house is THE BEST. I covet every room. Anyway, FINALLY we get the scoop: basically, Baxter was seduced by an evil hot dude into stealing jewels for him, then he left her high and dry to take the fall, which she did, because she was too ashamed of herself for falling for it to name him, and she won't tell the police about him now because she doesn't want to stir it all up again. Not surprisingly, Cora agrees to let Baxter keep her job. I assume Hot Evil Servant may one day show his Hot Evil Face, if the show needs him to do so.
Downton Murder Murder Murder Murder
Turns out Green told people that "the valet" at Downton hated him and now the cops are asking Bates questions about The Day of the Lorry Pushing and Bates of course has an alibi, but both Mrs Hughes and Anna are worried that his alibi is TOO CONVENIENT. OMG ONE OF YOU JUST ASK HIM IF HE'S A MURDERER OR NOT.
This of course makes me wonder if perhaps the valet that PUSHED Green was in fact EvilButler.com, because there has been more than one valet at Downton in the past. Although it could have been anyone -- Green was covering his ass with Bates, but who knows who could have actually pushed him? WHAT IF IT WAS EDITH?! (It wasn't. But I'd like to see Edith get to literally push someone in front of a truck instead of consistently being metaphorically shoved underneath one herself.)
Downton Art Gallery
In short: Richard E. Grant is totally hot for Cora, and she loves it -- she is not wrong to enjoy people showing an interest for once, and she tells him that when she was young, she was a pretty American girl with a Jewish father and loads of new money, and her mother realized she'd make a much better match in England than in New York (i.e., the song and dance of Million Dollar American Princesses, a docu-series narrated by Elizabeth McGovern on Smithsonian) -- but she very very gently basically tells him that their relationship can go no further than friendship. Poor Richard E Grant.
Downton But Let's Talk About That Statue!!!
Only to get back to Rosamund's to find Lord G, who's come up to surprise her, and is enraged that she was out with the Flirtatious Mr Bricker all night, and who says all kinds of nasty things to her, including that it's impossible that Mr. Bricker actually cares what she thinks about anything. Rightly cheesed off by this behavior, Cora storms off and leaves him to drink in this FABULOUS ROOM. Don't be such a blockheaded dink, Robert. SHALL I REMIND YOU OF THE TIME YOU MADE OUT WITH THE MAID?!?! Cora proceeds to freeze Lord G out for the rest of the episode and HE DESERVES IT.
Downton OH EDITH
UGH.
Downton Tuxedoed Hotness
First of all, FINALLY: Tom wonders if Mary has noticed that Edith seems very distracted and Mary is like, "who can tell?" BUT THANK GOD SWEET TOM BRANSON IS PAYING ATTENTION.
In fact, this was a good scene altogether with Tom and Mary, wherein she tells him she'll be supportive if he decides to move to America, because she loves him, and also spills her guts about her "so-called sketching trip." (Branson is possibly the only observant person at Downton.)
Downton Saucy Widows Association
The Dowager Countess Mic Drop Line of the Scene is as follows: "An unlucky friend is tiresome enough. An unlucky acquaintance is intolerable."
Downton Lackluster
IS THIS NOT THE FACE OF A BEAMING BRIDE? Let's send him packing and get on with it, Mar. (Clearly also what Branson is thinking, back behind her.)
What's Violet's take on Mary's waning post-bang interest in Gillingham, you ask? "In my day, a lady was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she'd been instructed to do so by her Mama." No one can fight the MIC DROP of the Dowager Countess, not even Mary's eloquent "that's complete BS" face.
Downton Arial Shot APB
First of all, I terribly miss the Traditional Camera Shot Into This Room From the Gallery Above. If it's been axed from this season, I shall be cross indeed! Anyway, all of the Exiled Russian Aristos are at Downton, having a lovely time, until....
Downton THE HORROR
Sarah Bunting: Worst Guest Ever ruins everything. She was invited to the Refugee Tea (the RefuTea?) because she basically had to be; she'd come to the house to tutor Daisy, but Daisy was too busy to be tutored, and it would have been SO RUDE for Rose to have not then extended an invite, which she does VERY RELUCTANTLY. Which Sarah Bunting: Rude Nitwit accepts and then promptly goes upstairs and tells this OLD REFUGEE FROM THIS WAR-TORN COUNTRY THAT HE BASICALLY HAD IT COMING. This is WHOLLY UNACCEPTABLE, I AM SORRY. If you are invited to a tea for Sad Displaced Aristocrats that's meant to cheer them up, it's very rude to your host, whom you presumably like and/or respect, to waltz in and insult them.
The truth is that I probably agree with Sarah Bunting: Etiquette Nightmare on any number of items, but if, say, I were invited to a reception for George W. Bush's newest set of paintings, and I chose to go, I would not, for example, storm in yelling about Dick Cheney. If someone turned to me and said, "Are you madly in love with Dick Cheney?" I would not lie, but nor would I be rude, and I would not belabor the point, and all Sarah Bunting: Stubborn Headdesk DOES is be rude and belabor the point, and she's not helping herself or her ideals with this plan of attack. Sarah Bunting: Tutoring Rucksack seems to have no ability to READ A ROOM, which is actually very important if you want to seduce people over to your way of thinking. The other week, one of you noted that she does her cause no favors, and it's true. BECAUSE SHE IS THE WORST.
Downton Despair!
While Sarah Bunting: Dinner Party Nightmare is making old displaced men cry, the Pig Farmer pops up to tell Edith that she can't come back to see Marigold, because Mrs Pig Farmer is REALLY OVER the way it seems Edith just might be angling to STEAL HER CHILD, and Edith bursts into tears and runs away to her room to sob and everyone downstairs feels sorry for her and let's just reflect on what it means when Anna is like, "man, she has it rough." Oh, Edith.
Downton Princely Lovers
These are the "Russian things" they have at Downton, dating from when The DC and her husband went to visit in 1874 (for the wedding of Prince Alfred and the Grand Duchess Maria.) And then we learn that one of said items is a fan of Violet's -- I half expect her to take it home with her; I would have -- given to her by an admirer. WHO IS THERE. IT'S PRINCE KURAGIN and it's implied they may have been EVER SO BRIEFLY IN LOVE. The Prince seems perhaps to still be smitten with Violet, which is THE BEST and also delights Isobel as much as you can imagine.
Downton Patterns
Additionally, I LOVE this dress on Mary.
Downton Expressions
ISOBEL: (smirking) Have you made plans to see your admirer again?
VIOLET: [irritable silence] ISOBEL CRAWLEY MIC DROP.