Downton Drawing Room
Aunt Rosamund is visiting (mostly, it's implied, because Mary's off-hand yammering about the wee farmer child with whom Edith's obsessed has got her concerned) and everyone's taking tea and having veiled convos about their percolating engagements or secret children. Let's all admire the way Cora has insouciantly tossed her fab brocade coat over her shoulders like a Fashion Week street-style star of 2014.
Downton Tea Time
And Rose looks lovely in this print as she notes that there's a brand new nudist colony in Essex. (I'm just easing you into the shenanigans with a wardrobe round-up. This episode contains zero nudity. I assume they're saving it for Matthew Goode PLEASE GOD HEAR MY PRAYERS.)
Downton Countesses
You can imagine Violet's take on the nudist colony: namely, isn't it awfully DAMP in Essex to be starkers? "I doubt they were aiming it at you," Isobel says, sweeping past with her tea, and it's all Violet can do not to point out that maybe no one's noticed, but A RUSSIAN PRINCE IS IN LOVE WITH HER.
Downton Bad Ideas
"Hello, darling, I hear this Pig Farmer thing is a TOTAL DISASTER." This is a paraphrase. Can we talk about two things?
a) Rosamund didn't know Edith had given the baby to the pig farmer, right? I only really remember this because of something she says later, but it's sort of confusing. She seems to have known Edith did SOMETHING with Marigold, but not specifically what. Oh, PS: if you thought we'd hear ANY movement on the Michael Gregson: Dead Or What??! front, given last week's conversation about it, you don't watch much Downton. It isn't mentioned, in the name of keeping that plot moving at THE MOST GLACIAL PACE. In all sincerity, I LOVE this show, even when it's a mess, but Fellowes has a tendency to plow through some plots WAY more quickly than he ought (like the time Edith was in love with the mysterious burn victim/imposter for one episode), and then others DRAG ON FOR.EVER.
2) I enjoy Rosamund's inability to resist a jaunty top hat.
Otherwise, this scene is simply the episode's traditional What's Everyone Up To This Week catch-up (so often seen at the lunch table): Rosamund's in town to poke Edith with a sharp stick for a week; Lord G is going to be hosting a party at the end of the week but before that will be gone for a Thingie and away OVERNIGHT PLEASE NOTE THAT HE SAID OVERNIGHT!; Isobel hasn't given Lord Merton an answer and refuses to spoil Violet as to what that answer will be. (Violet snarks that Isobel really knows how to string out a moment. TALK TO MICHAEL GREGSON, VIOLET.)
Downton DOUBTFUL
Let me recap Mrs. Patmore in her entirety here: She's inherited some money, she asks Carson what do to with it (because he's a man), Carson gives her terrible advice (because, penis or not, he doesn't know what he's talking about), she does what she wants anyway, with the help of Mrs Hughes, Mrses Hughes and Patmore come up with a way to tell Carson this without hurting his sweet man-feelings, though there is some harrumping and a LOT of yadda between Hughes and Carson (Carughes? Harson? Hugheson? Cares?) about whether or not they know what's happening in the World Today. THE END!
Downton Lectures
It was in this scene that I noticed how many CURTAINS are in this room. It's a little overwhelming. It's like Rosamund is staying inside someone's beating heart. (If anyone would discover they had an unwanted houseguest taking up room inside an organ, it would probably be Edith.)
Rosamund is, as usual, very nice to Edith, and is the only person OTHER THAN ALL OF US to note that she feels terrible for the family from whom Edith retrieved Marigold. "I wrote to [Baroness Schrader]. She told me she has adopted another baby," Edith sad-sacks. That hardly absolves you of how shitty it was to take the one you gave her back, Edith. "Then she has solved her problem," Rosamund says. "The question remains: Have you solved yours?" Rosamund, she's fighting with a pig farmer on the daily. NO SHE HAS NOT.
Rosamund asks if she can meet the child -- pointing out that she gave up ten months of her own life to make sure this all worked out safely and happily for everyone, and Edith kinda mumbles that Mrs Pig Farmer is trying to drive her off and kinda sorta really hates her. "So. We have a situation of infinite danger to your reputation, which brings you no emotional reward to compensate," Rosamund sums up. Edith says nothing, but her face says, "UGH YES EXACTLY."
Downton Man Drinks
I will never stop talking about how beautiful I think this room is. Here, Tom and Lord G have a cozy little convo about Sarah Bunting: Human Split End, in which Lord G is actually kind of nice about her, and Branson is like, "I know she's a total pain in the butt, but we share a lot of political beliefs." Robert points out that, over the last five years, Branson has grown to understand a lot of people that he would have previously dismissed out of hand, and that's a good thing. I think Lord G is trying to make the point that Sarah Bunting: Hangnail sees the world in a terrible black and white, while Tom is smart enough to see the beautiful nuance of the gray areas, and Hugh Bonneville pretty much sells it, even though the dialogue itself is kind of like, "you should be PROUD of all these posh people who like you now!!"
I just wish someone would point out to Tom that Sarah Bunting: Lost Sock is not the only young winsome socialist in the United Kingdom, and that maybe if he were to start attending political meetings again, he might meet some of the other ones. For God's sake, I suspect Isobel probably knows some saucy politically liberal nurse who has never made a Russian refugee -- AN OLD MAN -- cry at a party. Have her set you up! She LOVES meddling in people's romantic lives!
Downton Gloves
Mary does nothing in this scene, but she does look fabulous in this dress and I figured you'd need to see it.
Downton Feathers in Caps
In which Violet pops over to Dr Clarkson's to warn him that Lord Merton might be about to put a ring on Isobel and -- although not in so many words -- he needs to SAY SOMETHING if he wants to stop that train. She ends up having Isobel and Lord Merton and Dr Clarkson to lunch, and Clarkson's diagnosis is that Lord Merton and Isobel seem well-suited, which they are. He wonders if maybe Violet is jealous. Violet manages not to say, "I HAVE A RUSSIAN PRINCE IN LOVE WITH ME," and also somehow doesn't ask Dr Clarkson if HE isn't jealous. He actually doesn't seem to be. Is the third arm of this love triangle falling off? Why can't Julian Fellowes write a proper love triangle this season? Everyone ought to have suitors FIGHTING FOR THEM, rather than sort of anemically being all, "eh, they seem happy together, it's cool, whatever, guess I'll just go stand over here now." I WANT MORE PASSIONATE DECLARATIONS OF LOVE!
Downton BAD IDEA JEANS
So this meeting went super well and no one got all prickly or weird or squirrelly or secretive or picked up a baby and stormed off to their hovel in a tizzy while the other two women in their amazing coats stood there and tried not to scream. Can we just discuss how it is humanly possible that Mrs Pig Farmer hasn't figured this out? Edith is doing everything short of showing up wearing a button that says "I GAVE MY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD TO A PIG FARMER AND IT'S LITERALLY RUINED EVERYTHING. ASK ME HOW."
Downton Window Seats
So, speaking of disasters, now Scotland Yard is there to question people about Dead Mr Green, The Evil Valet-Rapist. Look how delighted Mary is by this!
Downton Murderers?!?
And see how excited Anna is about this development. WHAT IF ANNA DID IT, YOU GUYS? I guess she and Bates really MIGHT be perfect for each other. Like, sincerely, if this were an episode of Dateline and they mentioned that the main suspect in a murder was married to a man whose first wife died hella mysteriously, we would all be SIDE-EYING THE SHIT out of both of them.
Instead of talking about any of this, Mary and Anna chat about how Mary is going into London to see Blake -- but NOT Gillingham, who may have refused to agree to the break-up last week, but who has apparently been broken up with nonetheless.
Downton MWHAHAHAH. GET OUT
Meanwhile, SHUT UP. Sarah Bunting: Flappy Bandaid literally cannot believe it when Tom points out that she's made it impossible for him to be with her by being such a total juice box every time he asks her for a nice free fancy meal with tons of booze and tiny appetizers. She, like, cannot believe he's breaking it off with her. HELLO. HAVE YOU ATTENDED ANY OF THE EVENTS YOU RUINED?
Branson FINALLY points out that. FYI, his own child is a Crawley, and she's like, "but don't you despise them?" and he's like NO. And she seems STUNNED. And: WHAT. You cannot cause a scene at literally every single family event you're invited to by a suitor and expect him to be gravy with it! And you really can't ASSUME people despise their family members unless they say to you, in advance of the meal at which you plan to be totally rude, "FYI, I despite all these wretched toffs. LET'S RUIN THE AMUSE BOUCHE." All this said: I must admit I really like her scarf.
Downton Jigsaws
In which we learn that Violet's ladies' maid is going to quit, to take care of her infirm mother. Violet is like, "I AM ALSO INFIRM," and Isobel sharply notes, "you're about as infirm as Windsor Castle," which I guess means that Violet's going to accidentally catch on fire at some point, but ultimately be fine. (That is an incredibly specific joke that I literally will never get to use again. Thank you, Downton Abbey.)
We also learn that Princess Kuragin IS working in Hong Kong as a nurse, and Violet is DELIGHTED by the idea of her having to empty bedpans. This should not surprise you.
Downton Alibis
After talking to Mary, Scotland Yard talks to Anna and Mrs Hughes and it's quite clear that Scotland Yard totally thinks Anna shoveled Mr Green under the lorry. They literally tell her not to leave the country. Look at it this way, Anna: If you end up in jail, you will learn all manner of forgery and blackmail and you and Bates can become the Bonnie and Clyde of Hampshire. (Note: you should all be aware that Thomas is skulking about threatening that he might have something to tell Scotland Yard about Bates and this murder and blah blah blah more of the same from EvilButler.com. I'm mostly worried that no one seems to have noticed that his undereye circles are TERRIBLE and attempted to offer him a bit of a homemade salve to fix them).
Downton Meet Cute
Here's what you need to know about Rose. She meets-cute a VERY HANDSOME young man, whose banker father was recently made a Lord. They're Jewish. (Rose doesn't care; I presume this will cause some Social Agita later in the season.) I feel about him the OPPOSITE of how I feel about Sarah Bunting: Crusty Waffle. He's charming and I want her to marry him. You guys, HE SAVE FOUR BOXES OF PASTRIES, and notes that he loves cake. He is a hero and a gentleman, and they are obviously WAY into each other right off the bat.
Downton NO SERIOUSLY GET OUT
Sarah Bunting: Weak Handshake has come by to say goodbye to Daisy (who is WORKED UP about her leaving). She's gotten a fancy new job at a fancier school and blah blah BLAH JUST GET OUT. SHUT UP AND GET OUT. GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK.
Downton Mirror Shenanigans
This screengrab is mostly noteworthy because it's yet another example of a shot in which the Downton directors use a dressing table mirror to great advantage. They do this every episode -- it's the new Aerial Shot Into the Gallery and yes I finally learned how to spell "aerial" -- and I always like it. ANYWAY, Richard E Grant is coming to "photograph their painting," which is totally the new, "would you like to come see my etchings?" and Robert is all in tizzy about it, in part because this visit is set to occur whilst he's gone. Eventually he tells Cora she's not FORBIDDEN to invite REG, or anything, though, and Cora is like, "good, because I already have."
Downton Enough Out of You
In which Daisy tells Branson that Sarah Bunting: Oversized Pizza Box is "an extraordinary person" and he's making "the biggest mistake of [his] life" in not fighting for her. I have much to say about this, but will instead note that I don't believe anyone ought to even consider taking romantic advice from poor Daisy, and that thank God it appears Branson agrees with me.
Downton Headdresses
I just thought you'd want to see Rose's lovely headpiece. (She's waxing poetic about the also lovely Atticus Aldridge, who better not turn out to be evil.)
Downton Jewels
And also, you might want to check Rosamund's GORGEOUS jewelry. There's a lot of chatter about how having a cocktail party at Downton is... oh, you know. The endless theme of The Past v. The Future, Manners v. Modernism, etc. (I think Manners v. Modernism sounds like a course I would have taken in college and LOVED. It obviously would have been all about novels from this exact period.) I am actually quite interested in this push/pull of the changing world -- there is a reason that almost all the books I read are people having romantical problems during wars -- but there's only so often that the show can go there without it feeling repetitive.
Actually, that's not even what I mean to say: they can actually return to that theme endlessly -- it's interesting and there are countless stories to tell with that theme as the backdrop. But there's only so often they can have OVERT DISCUSSIONS about the topic without those discussions feeling like they're treading old ground. There's a wealth of stories to be told about this, but having people announce How They Feel About Our Modern World every episode gets boring. Have Daisy leave and get a job in London and feel out of place! Have Rose marry a sweet hot Jewish banker and not give a shit if people make a fuss about his religion. Have Edith -- well, Edith actually just announces that she doesn't care about ANY OF THIS BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE HAVE REAL PROBLEMS!!!!! and then storms up to her room. Oh, Edith.
Downton Gardens
In which Violet forces the news of PIG FARMER GATE out of Rosamund....
Downton OH EDITH
...and the Pig Farmer himself tells Edith that she needs to go away and never come back or they're going to move and she'll never see any of them again. (Although he doesn't want to her ever see them again anyway, so...) Honestly, at this point, I don't know why Edith doesn't tell Mrs Pig Farmer the truth and damn the torpedoes. She's already going down in flames. Might as well really blow it out.
Downton MURDERER LOVERS
BATES: So....are you under suspicion of murder?
ANNA: I DON'T KNOW.
BATES: AM I?
ANNA: I don't know. ARE YOU?!!?!?!?!
Then they have a convo about all the children they're going to have, as the cervical cap that Anna is hiding for Mary waits to go off in the third act.
Downton NO. SERIOUSLY. BYE BYE.
OH MY GOD JUST LEAVE ALREADY PLEASE JUST GO AND LEAVE US IN PEACE.
The best part of Daisy telling Tom to GO GO to Miss Bunting and DECLARE YOUR LOVE is that when he showed up to tell her goodbye and SHE declared hers, he was like, "well that's nice bye bye good luck hope to see you never." Once again, sweet Daisy has failed to read a room.
Also, I literally almost fell off my sofa and into my bucket of wine when Sarah Bunting: Moldy Cheesecloth noted that she loved Tom. THEN WHY DID YOU SHOW UP AT HIS HOUSE EVERY WEEK AND RUIN DINNER EVERY SINGLE TIME? (I don't know if you guys watch Vanderpump Rules, on Bravo? It's essentially the opposite of this show in every way. But on that show, one [terrible] man has totally written off another [more terrible] man, because he thought Terrible Man The Second was insufficiently respectful to a girlfriend who'd gotten them a free suite at the Hard Rock in San Diego. Please note that Terrible Man 2 SLEPT WITH TERRIBLE MAN 1'S GIRLFRIEND, but it is this unkindness towards a woman who gave them a nice hotel room that has been the final straw. That is how I feel about Sarah Bunting: Extinguished Pilot Light. I dislike her for a lot of reasons but her rampant disrespect toward the sanctity of dinner is too much for me to bear.)
Anyway. These two share a very passionless smooch and she looks longingly at him the whole time, and Branson seriously just seems uncomfortable and kind of weirded out by the entire thing, and I'm thrilled to note that then Sarah Bunting: Party Foul then climbs into her car and sails off into the rain, hopefully NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN. I SAY GOOD-DAY.
Downton Uniforms
You should know that the rest of Lord G's get-up here involves a CAPE.
Downton Dreamy
This is Rose's new love interest, Atticus. He's about to move to London to join his father's bank, but I'm quite sure he and Rose will be eventually reunited. He's VERY CUTE and seems extremely likeable and charming, so I hope it doesn't turn out that he, like nearly everyone else on this show, has someone's death on his heads. (Here, he's being very stoically nice when old Count Rostov is an asshole about Atticus being Jewish. He then promptly asks Rose to dinner when she's in London, because she immediately demonstrates that she's not an anti-Semite. I have decided after merely 10 minutes that I want them to wed.)
Downton Headband One
IT'S THE RETURN OF MABEL LANE FOX. This entire scene was kind of great. Charles Blake has invited both MLF and Mary (both of them GLORIOUSLY ATTIRED) to dinner and not told the other. That scamp. Blake then announces he has an idea that is to their mutual advantage: that MLF, in her words, "takes the discarded leavings of Lady Mary Crawley, dust off the fluff, and put them on [her] own plate." So she's not immediately on board with this.
Downton Dinners
MLF doesn't deny that she's in love with Gillingham, but still storms out, after further sharp words for Mary (who I think appreciates her moxie; I hope they band together to just be snappish together constantly).
"What shall we do with your food?" Blake wonders, as she goes. "Eat it," MLF tells him. "I hope it chokes you." Blake and Mary both seem slightly thrilled by this, and after MLF is gone, he tells Mary that this actually went JUST AS PLANNED. "This is just a scene we had to play," he says, and I think he's totally right. MLF can't take Tony Gillingham back without having a to-do about it, or she looks weak, and she certainly doesn't seem like a person who'd want to look weak. Is it wrong that I love Blake extra now that I know he's a sassy gossip full of plots to meddle in other people's personal lives?
Downton Team Blake
I love handsome meddlers. I, in fact, just basically love meddling. He also uses the word "fricassee" with great panache.
Downton ACT NORMAL
This doesn't seem AT ALL SUSPICIOUS, these faces Cora meets when she comes into the library to collect everyone. (Violet got Edith into the library by noting there was a book she wanted to show her. IT WAS NOT A GUTENBERG BIBLE.) In fact, Cora is interrupting Violet and Rosamund brain-storming WTF they're going to do with The Case of Edith And The Baby She Left With the Pig Farmer. Rosamund points out that Mrs Pig Farmer is going to figure everything out and they have to get the child away (that...also will seem suspicious, but okay). She suggests shipping Marigold off to a boarding school in France. "It'll be...quite managable?" And Violet is like, "it's terrible, but what else are we supposed to do?!"
Well. THIS is going to be A DISASTER. FIRST you take this kid from the Baroness Schraders. NOW you want to take her from the other only mother she's ever known and send her away to a French convent school (I assume, right? Aren't all posh boarding schools for TODDLERS in France convent schools? This is what I've learned from novels) TO BE WITHOUT FAMILY FOREVER THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. AGAIN. I don't even know how Violet and Rosamund think they're going to spirit Marigold away from Mrs Pig Farmer. She is not going to agree to ANY of this and they cannot actually LITERALLY kidnap her. Honestly, if I were Edith, I would just go down to that pig farm and tell Mrs Pig Farmer the truth. JUST DO IT EDITH. SET THE HOUSE METAPHORICALLY ABLAZE THIS TIME INSTEAD OF LITERALLY.
Downton Boot Room of Doom
Oh right: In the Boot Room Where Shit Is Always Getting Real, Molesley is waxing poetic about The Nobility of How Baxter has suffered WRT to her jewel thievery. HOW ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?
Downton Downturns
And I think we all predicted that, with Lord G gone, Richard E Grant would sneak into Cora's room and make romantic overtures. But could any of us predicted how nice his dressing gown is?
Downton POW!
And then Robert comes home early and finds Cora telling REG that she isn't interested in him LIKE THAT and that he must leave her bedchamber. And after REG notes that not every man is as blind to Cora's charms as Robert is, Lord G hauls off and DECKS him and something about it is very funny. I don't know why, but I laughed.
Downton SMACK!
And then they roll around for like twenty minutes, banging into things and grunting.
Downton WHAM!
Until Edith comes to the door.
Downton Dressing Gowns
"Just making sure no one accidentally set the house on fire again?"
Cora makes up some BS story about a game she and Lord G are playing -- I fear Edith left thinking horribly traumatising things about her parents' sex life -- and then REG stumbles off, and Cora's entire response is, "golly, what a night." A BIT OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT THERE, CORA.
And then Robert bustles off in a rage to sleep in his dressing room and Cora just puts her face in her hands. GO TALK TO HIM. DON'T USE THE WORD "GOLLY" THIS TIME. (She does not take this advice.)
Downton Snit
And, ergo, these two are the Bickersons at their cocktail party the next day. Cora is trying to be congenial and chatty and Robert is JUST NOT HAVING IT. He may, in fact, be giving her The Silent. OH ROBERT.
Downton Headband Two
Mary's concerned about her parents' fighting; I'm in love with her whole look, and also with Rose's headpiece, which I rudely neglected to screengrab. The good news is, I'm sure she'll wear it again.
Downton Advice
In which Violet points out AGAIN that this Pig Farmer situation is about to blow up in everyone's faces and then Edith suggests she take Marigold and go up to London. LONDON IS NOT A FOREIGN COUNTRY WHERE NO ONE KNOWS YOU, EDITH. What she really ought to do is tell Mrs Pig Farmer the truth, pay her HANDSOMELY in hopes that she'll keep her mouth shut, take the baby, and then go off to AMERICA, and live there forever. Shirley MacLaine can help come up with a cover story. Maybe Marigold is a plucky orphan Edith stumbled over on the docks as she disembarked.
Downton Uh-Oh
But instead, Edith sneaks downstairs and makes a private call to London while the music thunders ominously. OH EDITH. Is it too much to hope that she's just calling the newspaper over which she's got power of attorney to see if they had any problems at the copy desk? Hey, maybe she's calling to check in on Gregson's Crazy Wife in the Attic. HAS anyone checked on Gregson's Crazy Wife in the Attic since he went missing? Hello? IS ANYONE HOME?