Cheryl Burke

Are you missing Kim Kardashian while she sits at home and tries to figure out how to get out of having named her precious daughter after a direction on the compass? CHERYL IS HERE FOR YOU.

Peta Murgatroyd

Are you missing....ummm. A wayward boob goiter you picked up after one crazy Hamptons summer? Well. Peta Murgatroyd is here for you.

Peta Murgatroyd

I know, I know, the first picture was really partially due to some sassy errant wind. But I gotta say, regardless of weather conditions, this all looks a bit like a formal gown with a built in Baby Bjorn. SPEAKING OF THINGS KIM KARDASHIAN NEEDS....

ESPYs Fug Carpet: The Dancing With the Stars Women

Or, at least two of them. Cheryl Burke is because she won when she was partnered with Emmett Smith, I presume? And Peta because she won with Donald Driver? Sure, that makes sense. What DOESN'T are their ensembles, I am sorry to say. [Photos: Getty]