Jesse Williams
YOU ARE NOT AT A BIEBER CONCERT. THIS IS THE ESPYS. PULL IT TOGETHER, MAN.
Victor Cruz
Look, Victor Cruz's pants shrank in terror at the sight of Jesse's shorts. It's tragic.
Colin Kaepernick
So did Kaep's! Jesse Wlliams is ruining hems everywhere!!!
J.R. Smith
And New York Knick JR Smith ALSO has the frightpants.
Russell Westbrook
This. Is. Hilarious. He played hoops at UCLA, and the football team there is based at the Rose Bowl, so maybe the flower sleeves are just... a tribute to... another sport? Or maybe he likes to live like everyone is throwing roses at him and shouting BRAVO.
MIchael Sam
He looks dapper, and he gave a very emotional speech. Somehow, without meaning to I think, the tenor of the stories about him so far are mostly, "He's actually a cool guy," and, "He's totally normal," which... he IS normal! Of course he's cool! None of that has to do with his sexual orientation, but somehow in sports -- and probably in more places than I'd care to know -- the burden of proof is on the homosexual, like it's a condition to be transcended, and I hope one of Michael Sam's legacies is to help eradicate that mentality in more places than just the locker room. But that's a great place to start.
Brian McKnight
This was part of a really long bit where Drake was pretending he'd been off meditating on his new sound, and sang two REALLY LONG parody songs ("Honorable Mention," about people who NEARLY won things, and "Side Piece," about how male athletes are basically cheating man-whores) followed by a DISASTROUS fake-rap (which I think they thought was really smart?) about Donald Sterling that totally shut down the room in a bad, weird way. ANYWAY. McKnight came out and sang the end of 'Side Piece' and Richard Sherman was going nuts for it, and probably not because of the mesh shirt. But maybe that was part of the whole "meditation" vibe? I don't... I don't know.
Richard Sherman
And speaking of Richard Sherman, this looks like a dog urinated on his white shirt and he borrowed someone else's jacket to try and deflect attention.
The Rock, a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson, a.k.a. The Rock
I have a very soft spot for The Rock. I can always smell what he's cooking.
Steven Hauschka
What's up, place-kicker? You look totally uncomfortable and also jazzy.
LeSean McCoy
"I bet NBA star Kevin Durant that I could look more like a shrunken casino table at the ESPYs."
Kevin Durant
"I took that bet, and LeSean won it. Which means LOST, really."
Brandon Flowers
"Whereas I am dressed as the Boise State football field."
Damarcus Beasley
I appreciate this man. I also want it to be that his lapel pin is a banana.
Clint Dempsey, Jermaine Jones
Well, I think scissors beats Thumb War, technically, because scissors can remove thumbs.
Aaron Gordon
Aaron here plays basketball for the Starship Enterprise's league team, The Crushers, which made the playoffs last year along with The Worf Whistles, The Picard-and-Rolls, and Guinan By Voices.
Karl Towns, John Calipari
This kid is the High School Male Athlete of the Year, because what we really need is to make high-school sports stars feel MORE like rock stars.
Akbar Gbaja-Biamila
I vote on the color combo, but yes on saying his last name.
Isaiah Austin and Jalen Rose
It must be hard for Isaiah Austin to get himself all gussied up for an event celebrating athletes doing what he no longer can, medically. Poor kid. He's keeping his head high, though, which is impressive, and he looks smart.
Damian Lillard
Seriously, that blazer is every person's grandpa wandering around campus on Notre Dame football weekends.
Blake Leeper
He's a two-time medalist in the 2012 Paralympic Games and he seems like an impressive delight.
Guilherme Marchi
This guy is a bullfighter, and so this feels about right.