Colin Kaepernick (San Francisco 49ers)
I know nothing about Colin's personality, although I've read flattering profiles of his intelligence in various magazines. But if I had to judge the book based on this being the cover, I would be forced to conclude: total douchenozzle.
Johnny Manziel (Texas A&M)
This is... fine? I like the attempt, but I'm pretty sure my Cabbage Patch Kid had an apron just like that shirt.
Paul George (Indiana Pacers)
Apparently pink ties with blue checkered shirts are all the rage right now. I like this combination better - the stronger colors are, unsurprisingly, more assertive and less like a picnic.
Vince Young
Apparently pink in GENERAL is all the rage. (And where, therefore, is Pink?) It kills me that the photographer cast his own shadow all over Vince Young's plaid pants, shot through with a pink that matches his blazer. You are SERIOUSLY harshing his color-coordination, man. Separately, I know Vince Young has had a rocky pro career, but I hope whenever he's in LA, he stops by the USC campus and just, like, dances around in gleeful mockery.
Chris Berman
Even Boomer is in on the summery pastels. Also, and I said this recently on Twitter: Close your eyes and listen to him. He might as well be Kevin from The Office. Now open your eyes and look at him. He might as well be Kevin from The Office.
Jim Brown
Oh, don't be so cranky, Jim Brown. Your tie is SORT OF close to a summery shade... maybe.
Nick Young (LA Lakers)
... Rarely do you see a person who looks like he's walked right off the runway at a menswear show. I need to buy him a cocktail.
Aldon Smith (San Francisco 49ers)
This is amazing. He looks like he just snapped out of a fugue state and saw his reflection.
Jason Sudeikis
"Yeah, I'm not sure what the hell my suit is made of, either. Just look at my fiance or my robust Keratin handlebar instead."
J.J. Watt (from the Houston Texans)
I love this outfit, and this photo. It's like cocky Ryan Gosling, assuming you don't already think Ryan Gosling is cocky Ryan Gosling. Maybe I should've said fratty Ryan Gosling.
Chance Warmack (Tennessee Titans)
I appreciate a zippy little bow tie.
DeSean Jackson (Philadelphia Eagles)
Rihanna would wear that shirt as a dress. (Also, BOY, does he look tiny compared to some of these other athletes.)
Yasiel Puig (LA Dodgers)
People have been complaining that Dodgers rookie sensation Yasiel Puig -- who is sometimes the team's only offensive engine and is the reason the Dodgers have some fire now -- is too cocky. And the thing is, I would be, too. He's dapper and he's insanely talented and he's only been in the majors for a month and a half, but he has a batting average of .407 and eight homers AND he's already had his own t-shirt night at the stadium. And look at him. So if he's cocky, yeah, maybe try and fix that, but do you blame him?
Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings)
I enjoy you, AP, but that's a lot of look you have going on there under your jacket. I don't necessarily hate it, but it's a bit of a cacophany to my eyes.
Dwyane Wade (Miami Heat)
Those shoes are awkward. And the scarf feels so forced. It's HOT here, dude. Spare yourself anything superfluous.
DeAndre Jordan (LA Clippers)
My favorite thing about DeAndre is that he tweeted a crack about Jon Hamm's penis size, and ESPN ran it as a graphic during the pre-show. The blue linen suit is fun, too, don't get me wrong. But shifting the focus to Hamm's trousers is never unwelcome.
Jon Hamm and Jack McBrayer
Clearly I should have watched the show. And yes, I'm totally trying to guess which way the Hamm is dressed on this night.
Torrey Smith (Baltimore Ravens)
Love the jacket. Didn't realize that, from a distance, Super Bowl rings looked so much like those souvenir coins you can get flattened and stamped at tourist attractions.
Rory Bushfield
So, I love Rory from that ABC diving show, Splash, which he won. (You guys, it was secretly really good, ESPECIALLY all the bad things about it -- like how each "celebrity" had his/her own jingle written specially for entrances, each more inane than the last. But the diving stuff was totally fascinating. They did synchro dives with kids that were kind of fantastic.) And Rory, it turns out, was married to Sarah Burke, the snowboarder who died tragically a year and a half ago, and... sniffle, is what I'm saying. Also, his guest has braces. I'm guessing she's a relative. They are both adorable and I want more diving. Is that wrong?
Sean Puffy P.Diddy Combs
So I guess Diddy is still doing things.
Ben Affleck
"GOD DAMN my hair is robust tonight!"
LeBron James (Albuquerque Electric Shocks)
Oh, Bron-Bron. You somehow look both silly and dashing all at the same time. I have to say, and this will be unpopular: I don't hate LeBron. Yes, the guy made a very large meal out of a decision, but that seemed to be mostly on bad advice (and was nowhere near as flaky nor repetitively obnoxious as what Dwight Howard has since done). He has not, to my knowledge, been in trouble with the law beyond a speeding ticket. He works hard. He has not been the subject of domestic abuse calls, nor arrested, nor even been reputed to have partied too hard and endangered other people. I'm not saying he's a saint, but he's SEVERAL degrees less a sinner than a lot of these people who are exalted as if they have spotless records. Doesn't make sense to me, so I can't hate on him.
Michael Phelps
He looks a lot less goofy post-London than he did post-Beijng. I guess that's what four years will do to you.
Victor Cruz (New York Giants)
Victor looks perfectly dapper -- very Tommy Hilfiger, which is apt since we've seen him at Tommy's menswear shows before. He seems to be deep in fashionable thought about whether Selena's dress is actually the right complementary shade of red.
Reggie Bush and ladyfriend
It remains truly astonishing how much she does resemble Kim Kardashian. Therefore, this either flatters Kim Kardashian, or ENRAGES Kim Kardashian, depending probably on how inattentive/irritating/tabloid-fodder-y Kanye is being in a given day.
Eric LeGrand
Rock on, Eric. You are an inspiration and by all accounts a great guy.