Zdob si Zdub, Moldova
If I ever make it to Moldova, I hope this is what greets me at the airport. Good old Zdob si Zdub. The band's discography includes such unforgettable albums as 450 Sheep and White Wine/Red Wine, the latter of which I feel describes both a prerequisite for listening to their music and a physical challenge for admission into the group. It pleases me to think they are trying to tell us that Moldova is about trombones and pocket-soap and lace thigh-hankies and unicycles and ornate dunce caps. If it is, why am I not there right now? And if it's not, can I sue for false inflation of hope?
Nina, Serbia
This is what would happen if the "It's A Small World" ride took HGH. The singer, Nina -- the one who looks like Carey Mulligan -- apparently did a sixties-inspired song while on a break from performing with her band, Legal Sex Department. I sort of think Sterling Cooper Draper Price needs one of those.
Mika Newton, Ukraine
I think this is how Gwyneth Paltrow looks in her own head.
Apparently, Ukraine's Mika Newton here is often likened to Avril Lavigne (musically, although if Avril ditched the pink-punk stuff in order to wear mullet skirts and feathered sleeves, I might stop yawning every time I type her name). Mika also moved on to Eurovision amid a swirl of accusations of voting irregularities, or somesuch, in the national final. She came in fourth, though, so I'm sure all those people have since shut their pieholes. I was confused about the angel wings until I learned that her song is called "Angel," and now suddenly I am dismayed that she's being so literal, rather than, say, having halos actively shooting out of her shoulder blades while flying puppies in white dresses fly around the stage on wires. I mean, come on. This is Eurovision, people. Dry Ice and a couple of mangy duck wings aren't going to cut it.
Kati Wolf, Hungary
Kati here was a finalist in Hungary's 2010 X-Factor, which basically means that just LOOKING at her is putting cash in Simon Cowell's pockets. She bears an uncanny resemblance to forgotten Top Model winner CariDee English, and she appears to be wearing a satin tree skirt as a sleeve.
Kati Wolf, Hungary
This photo totally looks like Kati is up there singing her heart out, totally unaware that Hungary's Next Top Dance Crew is jammin' on the one behind her, and that she is actually on Hungary's version of Punk'd.
Jedward, Ireland
What can I say? Their full names are John Paul Henry Daniel Richard Grimes and Edward Peter Anthony Kevin Patrick Grimes, as if their parents drew names out of a hat while on speed; they are twins known as "Jedward" from when they placed sixth on X-Factor in 2009; their hair apparently always looks like that; and they once sang a version of Ghostbusters. No, really.
At Eurovision they sang a song called "Lipstick" and apparently did a lot of choreographed jumping. I hope they managed to make this high-five. If they missed, how embarrassing. You don't put on red glittery epaulets just to FAIL. (Although they only came in eighth.) If Katy Perry revived Starlight Express on Broadway, they would be in it. Dressed like this. Doing this.
Jedward, Ireland
And doing this, although frankly this looks less like triumphant dancing and more like a speed-skating crash photographed in slow-motion.
Getter Jaani, Estonia
This girl evidently came in fourth on Estonia's Pop Idol and then played Sharpey -- the Ashley Tisdale role -- in a local production of High School Musical. That sort of fits with her outfit, although frankly, she looks MORE like the doorgirl at a very perky gentleman's club sponsored by Hello Kitty. The look on her face here is priceless, as if she's thinking, "Yes, I know, I'm doing all this grinding against Dorky Estonian Channing Tatum and it will be for NAUGHT." She was right.
Lena Meyer-Landrut, Germany
Lena here had homefield advantage, performing in Dusseldorf, but I suspect her song was too creepy and depressing. I mean, I haven't heard it, but it involves a bunch of former Willy Wonka employees sneaking up to her and it's called "Taken By A Stranger," so... I feel like Germany is all, "Do we really need to make people remember we were once a freaky place? Can't we be all beer foam and oompah bands and giant sausages for a while?" Look for next year's entry to be called, "Beer Foam Bratwurst Oompah-Loompa Sex Jam."
Maja Keuc, Slovenia
The only thing I learned about Maja here is that she was on Slovenia's Got Talent, finally proving that there is no shitty TV contest format that can't be sold to a foreign country. Maja appears to have popped by Eurovision in the middle of her bachelorette party.
Lucia Perez, Spain
Lucia's song title, loosely translated, means something about being happy, or how you can't take the fun away from her. What I think it meant is, "You can't take the Listerine strips from my skirt and you can't take the air guitars away from my dental hygienist friends who are all high on nitrous."
Vlatko Ilievski, Macedonia
"Ladies and gentlemen, the Von Trapp Family singers wish to say goodnight to you."
Dino Merlin, Bosnia and Herzegovina
Dino calls this his Eurovision entry. I call this, "Every Thanksgiving at my house." Seriously, though, can someone please invent Rock Band: Eurovision for the Wii?
Dana International, Israel
OKAY. So this lady won Eurovision in 1998, and - per Wikipedia -- is "arguably one of the most famous transsexual celebrities in the world." I feel like it is a crime that this statement may be true and yet I still have not heard of her. Perhaps that's because she's been living in the world's most picturesque swamp, from which she rose in a gown woven from the weeds to sing her song, "Ding Dong," which... let's just say it's about her struggle to install a doorbell in the marshlands. Wait, hang on, that sounds like it has a filthy double-meaning. UNINTENTIONAL. Moving on.
Anastasiya Vinnikova, Belarus
Evidently this song was called "I Love Belarus," and indicated that if you are a patriot, you will get some serious tail. Expect Bill Belichick and Co. in Foxboro to adopt this as a recruiting tool. Can't you just see Tom Brady prancing around in pants with a crotch frame and matching suspenders? Gisele is probably at home making some on her sewing machine right now.
Blue, Great Britain
Oh, Blue. You might remember Blue from that scene in Love, Actually,, in which Bill Nighy sassily defaces one of their posters while on TV. In two years, we here in the U.S. may remember them as the hottest British-accented strip show in all of Excalibur.
Amaury Vassili, France
I'm sorry, is this Eurovision, or someone performing Les Miserables in its entirety on karaoke night?
Eric Saade, Sweden
Eric here decided to explode through a sheet of ice. Which ... I guess is symbolic of him exploding from the frozen north and into international hearts? He DID come in third, after all. This looks to me like a poster you'd see at a really terrible mall kiosk, presented without any explanation and always on Final Sale for 80 percent off. That, or it's the cover of an old Joan Jett record. Or the cover of his OWN record.
Eric Saade, Sweden
Eric's song on this night was called "Popular," but his previous entry -- which fell short of making it to Eurovision -- was called "Manboy," and I think we can all see why that is now the anthem for every homoerotic S&M club in Stockholm. He looks like a Hindu deity gone pervy.
Eldar & Nigar, Azerbaijan
But the winners of the night were these two crazy kids from Azerbaijan, who were so stoked that their single "Running Scared" took first that they completely forgot Nigar was wearing her grandmother's lucky panties.
Oh, Eurovision, never leave us.