Denmark: Fyr og Flamme – “Øve os på hinanden”

One of the things I love about Denmark is that they sang in their native tongue, and that's also what used to make Eurovision so cool. I don't care if I can understand the lyrics! This is a melting pot of languages! Now too many people sing in English. Also, these two look like they're inside some kind of 1980s Karaoke Revolution video game.

I cannot overstate the delights of this man doing a herky-jerky 80s dance on his little dais during a musical interlude. He was like... I don't even know. Michael Buble meets a-Ha meets a Danish Music & Lyrics.

Okay I take back Michael Buble; when Fuchsia Jacket isn't jumping and slightly blurry, it's not valid. Let us also assume his bandmate borrowed those boots from Chloe Sevigny.

This was very forgettable genre pop but they finished with SPARKS that triggered when their bodies collided. It was a nice last-ditch effort to win over the judges, but it didn't work.

Poland: Rafal — “The Ride”

We also had mild sparks from this performance. Unfortunately for them, I do not watch Eurovision for MILD sparks. I want a CONFLAGRATION.

The '80s really are back. This had a very douchey Robert Palmer-meets-B52s look to it. I was not into the song, and he didn't sound great, either. While peppy poppy Denmark may have deserved a place -- I will weigh in on that when I watch the Grand Final -- I feel pretty good about this one not advancing.

However, he has invented a way to catch foul balls that deserves exploration.

Czech Republic: Benny Cristo — “Omaga”

This smiley dude was downright adorable, but even singing over his backing track, you could tell he was out of breath. His mouth was open wide and sounds were coming out, but they were not super inspiring -- the song is not good enough for his vocals to be that boring -- even though he is cute as a button.

No no no, it's the year of PICKING PEOPLE UP, not the year of trust falls! Get it together!

Latvia: Samanta Tina — “The Moon Is Rising”

Well, listen. These ladies won't win Eurovision but if you want to do a human sacrifice and make it zingy, they're here for you. This song goes, "The queen of the night is coming // The blood moon is rising // Pa-ra-ra // Pa-ra-ra // Pa-ra-ra-pa // Pa-ra-ra-pa pa-rade." Okay then! They also all sang a lot about how we should say things to their face, which is ironic given that three of their faces are completely blocked. She was also trying to do vague hip-hop dance moves in an evening gown, which is advanced-level stuff when she clearly has not passed the remedial class.

"HELLO ROTTERDAM! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUMMON ZUUL?"

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! AND HE IS HUNGRY!"

... which she then mimicked in her final pose by giving herself hand-antlers. I highly recommend checking this out. I'm sort of sorry she won't get to do it again in the final. Because here's the one thing about it that was sincerely great: This definitely FELT like a song from somewhere else.

They also made the floor look like a bouquet of grabby hands...

Estonia:  — “The Lucky One”

And then we got the drunk groomsman at your wedding who wouldn't put down the band's microphone, even though it wasn't a karaoke jam.

This was a fine pop song also -- slow, a crescendo, a big finish. A little dull. But in truth, I thought the Netherlands winner from 2019 was also super dull and boringly performed, yet here we are, so in that sense I'm surprised this didn't make it through. Because even though the best he could muster was a bolt of lighting...

Maybe he didn't go through because of the part where he sang in front of a projection of himself... kind of drowning?

... I am PRETTY sure Estonia picked him because they think he's 1.21 gigawatts of hot. "Hello," he is thinking. "I am all of the Hollywood Chrises rolled into one person."

Austria: Vincent Bueno — “Amen”

This is the SECOND song named "Amen" in this contest, and neither one of them advanced. Sorry, Vincent. The good news is, he's ADORABLE, and had a nice voice, and his coat is good. I actually thought he sang very nicely. The song is ANOTHER one that started out boring but I thought it hit its stride halfway through.

But really, all he did was wander around the stage. Whatever THIS is was the most interesting visual he had. Clearly he can sing, and the ending was strong, but I think it lost people before he got that far.

Georgia: Tornike Kipiani — “You”

AND THEN. Friends, I think this may have been the worst Eurovision performance I have ever seen, and you must seek it out and watch immediately. Because it wasn't even joyfully bad. It was PERPLEXING. This guy just walked out there and plaintively yowled his song like a man who is only just figuring out what singing is.

He walked out in darkness both looking and sounding like a total stalker. The song goes: Sunshine, I wanna touch you Wind blow, I wanna see you. I wanna touch, I wanna see, I wanna be, with you. Ocean, I wanna hear you. Mountain, I wanna feel you. I wanna hear, I wanna feel, I wanna be, with you. You’re everywhere, where I am. You’re in everything, that I do. My love, my love, I wanna be with you. You uuu aaaaa." AAAAH is right.

No, don't TYPE at me, dude! I need THEATRICS.

I mean, okay? But the song still had no hook to it. Honestly, it was markedly bad and I felt for him. He's won singing contests in Georgia before and you... would not know it.

Gotta give him credit -- at the end he almost send his forehead veins clear through his skull. It just didn't sound good, and he seemed almost like he was there under duress and was more than happy to leave without ever performing this thing ever again. Maybe he loved the song he had to abandon from last year and he couldn't get over their lost journey.

Thankfully, These Acts ALSO Will Not Be in the Eurovision Final

Part 2 of 2. Onward to the final!